Self-Loathing and Sex
I honestly dont know where else to turn for advice on what iv ebeen having problems with except for here. I cant talk to my friends about it and definitly not my family.
I struggled with depression while i was at school this past school yeah and since being home as of May I have slowly been coming out of it, or so i thought. I am unsure of the topic my actions would fall under whether it be alcohol, sex or simply low self esteem/self loathing, or if its another way my depression is manifesting.
Heres my story so far and why im concerned about myself.
I have always been a free spirit when it has come to sex, anmd having fun. For the most part I am usually very controlling and am a high achiever when it comes to my academic and social life and my hobbies. But lately I have been out of control. My eating habit have been not as good as they usually are. i logically know i am no where close to fat because I am 20yrs old 5'6 and 125 pounds but I find myself looking in the mirror and detesting what i see. When i go out and drink I barely remember the night and usually end up in the bed with someone I dont even want to be in bed with. I have always had fun having sex with various people, usually quite attrative looking men, but lately I dont even have control over who I choose to have sex with. I get drunk and wind up having sex with someone im not even into or attractied to. I never really get attached to the people I have sex with in the first place, but whats bothering me is that I have tried to stop this behaviour and cannot. I keep doing the same thing every night I go out. I used to be in control and now im not. I have such a deep self hatred for this behaviour and how it makes me feel, i get depressed and cant even stand to be in my own skin. I literally hate myself and everything about me. I think sometimes I never do get close with some of the people that ive conciously made the decision to sleep with becsause i know they wouldnt want to know me, and that im really not even worth getting to know so I shut any idea of them getting to know me down before they even have the chance to make a move either way. It is so bad right now that I cant even write properly and I want to not ever be me again. No one understand because they say im a very attractive young girl who has a great personality but I cant even accept these compliments because I feel so contrary to them. I despise myself and cant get out of this vicous cycle. I need someone, anyone to talk to because my self hatred has never been this bad before and I dont understand why I am so out of contorl when I used to be so in control all the time. Im afraid no one will ever even want to get to know me because i am just not worth it in everyway. It helps getting all of this out there but I dont know what else to do.