Hello all. I came across this group by accident, but now I'm a little relieved that I found it. My husband currently deals with a multitude of chronic illnesses, including but not limited to diverticulitis, kidney stones and gout. He also has high blood pressure. I'm pretty convinced they are all related and caused by the fact that he has high levels of uric acid in his blood. Every six weeks or so, he has a "flare-up." Often, they are "small," but sometimes they are very severe to the point where he must go to the hospital. Even though he is in tremendous pain, he often still goes to work. But if it's really bad, he'll stay home, or go to the emergency room. We've been to just about every emergency room in our region due to his health issues. I live in constant fear that I'll receive a phone call that something terrible has happened to him, like he needed to have emergency surgery, or he's collapsed at work or something.

To top it off, he works a retail job, which means he very often isn't home until at least 7:30 or 8 at night and never around on weekends. We have a 2-year-old son, and we are expecting a daughter in March. Even when he isn't ill, I carry a lot of the responsibility on the home front. When he is there, he is fully present and helpful. But because of work, he often isn't there. He's never around on the weekends until the evenings. He takes care of our son on his days off during the week.

I feel so helpless, and worst of all, selfish -- it's gotten to the point where I immediately know by looking at his face whether or not he's in the throws of an "attack" of some kind. I used to feel sympathy. I used to pour over research. I used to meticulously plan out low-purine menus because of his body's high uric acid levels. A while ago he told me he wanted to try being a vegetarian so I did it with him for a while. I wanted to stick with it more than he did.

Now, it's gotten to the point where he'll tell me he's not feeling well, or in pain, or whatever, and it fills me with dread and resentment -- because this means I will once again have to go through a bout of picking up all the slack in our household, on top of everything I already do to support the reality of his work schedule.

Right now, it also means that I might have to take time off from work, which means I will have less paid time for my maternity leave. In addition, it means we will have to rely on daycare, which is extra money out of our pockets.

Add the fact that I'm 31 weeks pregnant, and, well...let's just say the most recent "attack" -- which we're still in the middle of, isn't going so well. Over the weekend, he promised me that I could sleep in on Sunday since he had the day off. We went to his work holiday party the night before and he had two glasses of red wine. He spend most of the night throwing up and basically went between sleeping and throwing up all of Sunday morning. Then my son woke up at 4 a.m., so no sleeping in for me. I finally got to take a nap in the afternoon...but our whole Sunday was completely shot. Instead of accepting it I just cried with anger.

Then, my husband is set to spend the day with my son tomorrow and he comes home tonight in pain, saying he's having another diverticulitis attack. My reaction just made me sad. I just said, "Well, I guess you won't be able to watch him tomorrow," and made plans to call daycare in the morning. Then I went in the bathroom and cried. I talked to him about how I'm feeling, just saying that I'm tired and stressed, and really emotionally drained from his illness. I apologized, and he told me I have nothing to apologize for, and that he'll be OK. It's like whenever he gets sick I just go on autopilot because it's all I can do to keep from completely falling apart.

I have family I can ask for help, and I do ask for help, but my mother is dealing with her own "health issues" -- basically, depression. She went from being my son's daycare provider when he was a baby to being my last resort when I need a babysitter. She is another family member who takes a lot of my energy, just trying to help her deal with her issues and get answers from her doctors. My father passed away seven years ago. My sister has been a tremendous help to us, but she can only do so much.

I love my husband very much. But sometimes I feel like a single mother with two children...and a third on the way. Am I a terrible person for feeling like this?

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A year after my boyfriend moved in with me he had a heart attack. A month later he lost his job and has not been able to find a job since. He has had a good career and has always supported himself (until now). It has now been 3 years since the heart attack and since then he has been diagnosed with Chron's disease, has had a back surgery and is now about to have a second back surgery. Between the surgeries and illnesses and no financial support, I am overwhelmed. I go back and forth with what I should do. It seems as if we go from one bad situation to the next and I don't feel like I have an equal partner but I sick anchor that I am dragging along. I now have panic attacks and high blood pressure. His parents have paid for his health insurance but I am picking up all the housing and living expenses. More importantly, I don't see an end, better times, etc. I am 55 years old and self-employed. I have spent over $30,000 of my retirement to keep him going and (dwindling down) and want to buy a house again. He has a friend who has offered to take him in after the surgery to recover there (should be 3 to 6 months). I am torn as part of me feels that I am obligated to take care of him (in sickness and in health) and a part of me just doesn't know if I can go through it again.

Any thoughts?

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