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The Raw Truth. Wishing for the End

By January 11, 2017 - 3:51pm

It is comforting knowing that so many women are in the same situation that I am in. My husband's two kidney transplants, dialysis, aortic valve replacement, femoral artery replacement, and countless other problems have led to 25 years of suffering for both of us. Our marriage is loveless, too much to endure most of the time. We are roommates at best. I bet he feels the same way.
I want to run away, to start a new life before it's too late. My life is half over and there are so many things that I want to do, but I feel trapped, for better or worse. Do you feel the same way?
My dreams for my life have been smashed. I hoped we would earn a living together, retire together, travel together. I thought that I would stay so in love that I longed to be with him. But these dreams have died a slow death because of his illness and I know now that my hopes and dreams must change course now.
I am too selfish to languish with him. I fight every day to be happy in the midst of prolonged anguish. There are things that I have been waiting to do, longing to do and now I have to do them for myself. I only have one life to live and I have been so stifled for so many years, choosing to not do that these things because he was unable and I didn't want to leave him behind. Now, I don't want to be old and feel regretful over not doing these things. But ... the guilt is killing me. It is sad that we cannot do the things together that I once dreamed of.!
I'm afraid that God will be mad at me, that He would expect me to sacrifice my happiness to care for my husband, but I can't. I've sacrificed so much already and now it's time for me to think of me. God please forgive me.
The vicious cycle of wishing for the end, then the tremendous guilt that follows those thoughts, is more than I can bear some days. It has turned me into a cold-hearted person. The only way that I feel I can cope with this is to separate myself: to turn my back on the daily grind of all of these issues and forge ahead and find my own success and happiness. This is something that I have to do, that I must do for my own mental health.
Sisters, thanks for listening. I know now that I am not alone in my feelings, and I am eternally grateful for that. It does ease the guilt somewhat to hear that my feelings are ...human.
I would love to know if anyone else is struggling in the same way.

By October 24, 2017 - 8:07pm

Dearest Hikinggal,
I read your post and my heart broke for you. I have had the exact same feelings when my husbands cat scan came back negative for cancer. My friends and family were crying tears of joy and they assumed my tears were for the same reason. They were not. I just want this hopeless life to come to an end. I've had horrific thoughts of wishing he would die. From what I have read from many of these women in this group including you, I think most of us have experienced thoughts like that. I cannot believe I am in this space in my life or that anybody else should be, like you. You are not damned. You are just trying to survive this life that has been dealt to you and no one including any form of god could damn you for that! I wish you peace like everyone else.

October 24, 2017 - 8:07pm
By September 8, 2017 - 7:18pm

I am chronically ill myself, with a mental illness that rears its ugly head when I least need it, but I work very HARD at controlling my symptoms. I exercise, take vitamins, eat as healthy as possible, see a therapist when it's bad, and take psychiatric medications when it's bad as well. I also have chronic pain from a near fatal car accident where I broke my spine (amongst other things). I have neuropathy and it can be very painful! Recently I was diagnosed with vestibular migraines so there are times I can hardly function. The thing is I TRY. My husband hurt his back badly being a contractor, and he just treats everyone in our little family like shit. I can't take it anymore. I work so hard to help my illnesses, to mask when I'm feeling really bad, and to have as normal a life as I possibly can. He just says how horrible everything is all the time, gets mad at me if I'm having a hard time since his chronic pain is now the worst thing ever and nobody else seems to have any issues except him (sarcasm). Tonight I saw a couple going camping in the grocery store. When I got into my car I started crying because I longed so bad for a relationship like theirs. I feel like I married a lie. Now I'm in grad school, doing everything I can to finish, so I can get a decent job and have a decent life. My husband is a slob and a mope. After everything I've been through, I'm still standing and I'm still trying, while he sits around playing computer games all day, and yelling at our kids. I just want to get a good job, pay for someone to help with the kids, and live a separate life from him. He's toxic and I hate him! This is the first time I've gotten my feelings out after 8 years.

September 8, 2017 - 7:18pm
By September 8, 2017 - 9:55am

My husband's biopsy results came back negative for cancer and in that very quiet part of my soul, the part that I never allow to have a voice I was disappointed. I was secretly hoping for an end in sight - an easy out. Like several of you, I worry about eternal damnation for these feelings. He was never an easy man to live with before the chronic illness. Much of our 28 years (22 married) together was wrought with emotional and verbal abuse that left me feeling helpless and isolated. I should have made my escape before he became ill. Now, I am in this marriage to the bitter end. This feels so good to get these feeling off my chest. I am truly sorry to read all of your stories. I hope that you will find your peace.

September 8, 2017 - 9:55am
By July 14, 2017 - 9:32pm

Hi Tony22,
I'm not sure if we can do anything about the guilt feelings. One of he regrets that I have is feeling for so many years that I had to be held back from my own life just because he is sick. I am just now realizing that was not necessary. Make sure you find things that you enjoy, try new things, make friends. People who have not been through this don't realize that the spouse who is not sick often gets very depressed as well. Life is short, take care of yourself. Maybe one day we will better understand that feeling guilty is nonproductive and can contribute to depression. Maybe over time we will fully understand that God knows that we are human and he will forgive us for our faults!

July 14, 2017 - 9:32pm
By July 14, 2017 - 8:43am

Sorry for all you've gone thru KatyKate, I am new to the whole caregiver spouse thing. I am not good at it at all. I love my wife, and have been with her for close to 6 years. 5 of which she has been sick. I am a selfish person, that thinks stuff revolves around me, but find myself feeling anxious/confused/angry, and everything else that comes with this. We have gone thru many ups and downs, and have even split up for some time, only for me to ask her to forgive me and I will do better. I know I need to be the helper, and giver, but just like you, I know "for better or worse, in sickness, and in health" was a vow I made for my life. I am also afraid GOD will be mad at me for hoping for the end, but this has only been a few years. I get that condemnation as well that I cant ask for such things, she is suffering more than I am, and having to be strong for everyone. I can't imagine going thru this for 25+ years. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest, and see if people have advice to look forward?

July 14, 2017 - 8:43am

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