Most of us parents want to be grandparents some day. You know - that day. That far off day, when we have a bit of silver in our hair and our children have finished college and enjoyed a few career-driven years before finding a decent mate and making a home with them. We can enjoy those grandkids, help out a bit and watch our own children transition into mature parents who make the same mistakes we did, and hopefully do many more wonderful things to compensate.
But what happens when our daughter isn't done with college. When she isn't even half way through high school? And she tells you she's pregnant?
None of us will be happy. None of us wants our son or daughter to be a parent in high school. The statistics are dim. The percentage of teen moms who graduate high school is very low. College, even lower. The odds of them living at or below the poverty line are high and the odds of their own children being teen parents are also increased. Indeed, they are at great risk of having a second child soon after the first.
So how to we keep our kids from becoming parents? One way is to put our daughters on the birth control pill before she becomes sexually active. But most 13 or 14 year olds are not rushing to mom to tell her she's ready to have sex "so let's break out the pills so that we're all set!" Boys don't want to tell their parents either, so they use condoms incorrectly (or not at all), or believe that you can't get a girl pregnant the first time, or that pulling out guarantees she won't get pregnant.
And all of this leads to teen pregnancy and disease.
So do we insist on abstinence? Many teens will disobey that rule, whether we like it or not. And abstincence-only programs have not seen a decrease in teen pregnancy.
So we need to be involved. Do we put our daughters on the pill? What age is acceptable? 17? 16? 14?
We have decision to make, as parents. Do we tell our children that real responsibility is to not have sex until they can physically (pregnancy/disease) and emotionally (breakups/stress) handle a sexual relationship? This is essentially saying that abstinence is best. It's safe to say many parents feel this way about their young teens.
Or do we agree that sex and teenagers is a reality and that it happens - all the time. And unless we prepare our children (birth control/condoms) the alternatives are teenage parents, abortions or leaving newborns in a toilet stall.
Is there a real-life solution to the dichotomy of parents wanting their kids to abstain from sex, and their kids wanting to engage in it? Where is the line drawn? Is putting a 13 year old girl on the pill allowing her to take sexual responsibility, or is it giving her carte blanche to have sex anytime she wants? Will it teach her responsibility or will it set her up for failure? After all, parents think - taking a pill once a day is easy, until she forgets. And a 13, 14, or 15 year old will forget. And they won't care. And they won't get pregnant. And they are invincible and it'll never happen to them. Until it does. And if it's not pregnancy, it's herpes or HPV or HIV. Diseases that can maim or kill.
Many other parents believe that the pill (or condoms) are better than nothing at all. And if their kids are going to have sex, at least they'll be protected.
Tell Us
How do you feel about younger teens and birth control? How young is too young? Have you - or will you - put your daughters on the pill? And at what age?
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Add a Comment28 Comments
Think teaching sons and daughters about sex and the consequences at an age where they are mature enough to handle it, is the best idea.
July 23, 2012 - 10:53pmThis Comment
Hi, i am 13 and i have really heavy and painful periods. My sister started The Pill at about 15. I feel so sick when i get my period that i cannot concentrate on school or anything else...at all. It's awful! I want to ask my mum but i'm scared she'll say no but i really want something to help with pains. Help?!
April 24, 2012 - 10:29pmThis Comment
I find that it's helpful to look at this this way. We don't ask teens to wear seat belts because we are encouraging them to drive fast, we ask them to wear seat belts in the frightening situation that there is an accident.
When considering contraceptives, it's best to provide youth with the full range of information to protect themselves against teen pregnancy, STI's, and HIV/AIDS. We are not encouraging them to have sex in any way, but rather preparing them to protect themselves, educating them to make informed decisions about their bodies so they can become the future leaders they are destined to be.
Most schools begin teaching about sex-ed in middle school and throughout high school. So if children do have access to age-appropriate comprehensive sex-ed, including information about abstinence and contraceptives, naturally this would be the best time to talk to them about sex, and contraceptives if it hasn't already come up in conversation. This becomes difficult however when schools do not provide sex ed, and when parents do not feel comfortable talking about it with their children. This is the case in the South, where we have some of the highest numbers of teen pregnancies, STI's and HIV/AIDS in the nation.
I was 16 when my parents first provided me with the opportunity to go on the pill. Perhaps it is important to keep in mind I was raised in the Midwest. I went on it to benefit my skin rather than because I was sexually active. Still, when I did become sexually active soon after, I was already protected and had the information I needed to be safe.
Fast forward 10 years later, I now have a son who is 2, and I am already thinking about how I want him to feel as comfortable about his sexuality as I did growing up. Sexuality is in fact, a part of who we are. It only makes sense that we learn about that part of ourselves, and protect that part of ourselves.
If I had a daughter I would think that 16 would be a good time to introduce the pill because it was for me. However if she expressed interest in it sooner, it would be flexible :)
Overall, since abstinence is not the reality for many teens, contraceptives are the best, and smartest option to protect youth. Condoms should be free at any health department. There is always somewhere in the community where providing access to the information youth need.
This Comment
I am a 15 year old girl who recently became sexually active, I have been in a very close relationship with my boyfriend for 9 months and just started birth control. My mom is unaware of my sexual activity so I told her I wanted birth control to regulate my period. I have ALWAYS, every. Single. Time. Used a condom, and even on birth control me and my boyfriend still agreed to always use a condom. No condom = No sex! I am aware that some girls (and guys) are not as cautious but I feel that it is a generalization that ALL girls are having unprotected sex. I am also positive that there are girls who are just as careful as I am. I am and always have been aware of the consequences of sex and that's why I choose to be so careful to minimize my chances of contracting an STD (or STI) or from becoming pregnant. I know from personal experience that it was hard for me to work up the courage to ask my mom for birth control (even though I lied), I truly believe that the huge problem stems from lack of communication and understanding from parents. I think that girls should be given the option of birth control, with-out consequence from the parents, but she should be able to choose WHEN she begins the contraceptive.
December 6, 2011 - 3:48pmThis Comment
Good for you, I'm glad you're well educated and well aware about the consequences and dangers of having sex.
You may feel like you "take a load off" if you speak to your mom about it. How would she react and what is the worst thing that can happen if you were to tell her? It's better that she knows so that she can take you to the gynecologist for regular check ups and so that you don't have the burden of having to lie to her. Just something to think about.
-Rosa
December 7, 2011 - 7:14amThis Comment
Wow. I'm so glad I found this today. My daughter, who will be 15 in February, just told me that she and her boyfriend have had oral sex. I was shocked, but I tried to be non-judgemental and gave her some more facts that I wanted to make sure she understood. This is her first serious boyfriend and they love each other.
I told her that sex may happen sooner rather than later and that I do prefer that she waits until she's married. This is what she wanted, too, until she fell in love. I remember what it was like to be 15 and I didn't have the same relationship with my mom that my daughter has with me. I was very close to my mom, but we didn't discuss sex openly like I do with my daughter.
She texted me this morning that she thinks she does want to go on the pill. I told her I'd make her an appointment, but that I'm also going to make sure she and her boyfriend have more supervision than what they've had. They are never alone in my house but have more privacy at his house. He doesn't have his license yet, so they are not in a car together. I know that where there's a will, there's a way, but I'm trying to make it as hard for them as possible.
Sorry I rambled so much. I just wanted tosay "thank you" for helping me see that I am not alone.
December 21, 2011 - 7:08amThis Comment
teen sex become popular.. especially without protection. it reports on the largest std support community Positivemate that 1 in 4 teen girls got stds in US. just cant believe it.. but teen sex education becomes quite important now.
January 20, 2011 - 7:47pmThis Comment
As a teenage girl who ISN'T sexually active, i'm probably in the minority. The majority of people use protection. Seriously, if there's an answer to teenage pregnancy, it ISN'T education. We are given education on methods of contraception, pregnancy, termination, reproductive biology, puberty, etc etc etc; weekly from years 7 to 10. Gardasil shots are given out to everyone in schools, in year 9 as part of the vaccination schedule. The problem is an open relationship with one's parents, and parents that will work with their child. Does your daughter have a boyfriend? They're discussing sex. So should you be.
December 25, 2010 - 10:54amThis Comment
Thanks for your feedback. I was a teen not that long ago, and while I agree that education doesn't solve teenage pregnancies, I do think it helps and is 100% necessary. Can you imagine a world where none of us knew what STD's were?
That being said...education, experience, and communication with the people that we love and trust all have to blend in together as one. One without the other is pretty much useless. Kudos to you for being a teen that isn't sexually active. I'm proud to say I was also a teen who chose to be abstinent- it's my imaginary badge of honor. :)
December 25, 2010 - 4:16pmThis Comment
the peole want,s to become a young aftar to be olda but they can t
December 5, 2010 - 9:49pmThis Comment