I’ll never forget the following story as long as I live.
My husband and I were on a boat trip with a bunch of our friends, and someone brought along this game called “Sex for Dummies.”
This was one of those conversational-type games where everyone turns asking questions from a card, and then people are supposed to answer them truthfully. As you can probably tell by the title, this game just happened to be all about sex.
So we’re sitting around the table having a margarita or two and playing the game, and one of the questions was about orgasms, and what you need in order to have one.
One of my friends, bless her heart, went into this long explanation about how if her husband kissed her in just the right spot on her neck, then she would have an orgasm. The other women who were playing had similar stories to share.
Then it was my turn. To say that I was uncomfortable was an understatement. I just wanted to crawl into my stateroom. I felt like I was the one who was the real dummy. I remember making a joke like “boy, do I feel dysfunctional here!” because I knew there was no way these things would ever have that kind of effect on me, and I really didn’t know what to say.
Actually, what I wanted to say was “are you kidding me?!?” To me, there was just no way what my friends were saying was true. I mean, if it was true, then so be it. But in all of my years of having female friends, not one of them ever said that she could have an orgasm through a kiss on the neck. I hope for her sake and her husband’s too that it was the truth, but I wasn’t buying it.
The truth of the matter is, 80 percent of women can’t have orgasms through sexual intercourse, let alone a kiss on some magical spot on the neck.
Of course, while my girlfriends were busy earning their Academy Awards for acting, our husbands were listening quite intently to what we were saying. I mean really, you should have seen the looks on their faces -— talk about your shock and awe! They were sitting there looking like “I have the most sexual women ever.” It was like sitting with a bunch of King Kongs.
Here’s what I’d love to see happen: when we end up playing a game like “Sex for Dummies,” we’d feel confident enough to give a tactful yet truthful answer about what works for us in the bedroom, and our husbands would truly feel like the king of the jungle. What do you think?
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I can relate to your post. Many of us (myself included) fake orgasms so we can spare our man's feelings or because we feel there is something wrong with us if we don't orgasm through intercourse. But the truth is most women need constant clitoral stimulation. Its nothing to be feel ashamed about, just an anatomical reality.
In my relationships, I have found that if I praise him for what he does do right and then gently guide him and then lavish on the praise when he does it, he does what I need and gets better and better each time.
You are so brave to bring up this topic. That is what I love most about this site, we share honestly and can talk about subjects we could never talk about face to face.
March 23, 2008 - 10:52amThis Comment
I can relate to your post. Many of us (myself included) fake orgasms so we can spare our man's feelings or because we feel there is something wrong with us if we don't orgasm through intercourse. But the truth is most women need constant clitoral stimulation. Its nothing to be feel ashamed about, just an anatomical reality.
In my relationships, I have found that if I praise him for what he does do right and then gently guide him and then lavish on the praise when he does it, he does what I need and gets better and better each time.
You are so brave to bring up this topic. That is what I love most about this site, we share honestly and can talk about subjects we could never talk about face to face.
March 23, 2008 - 10:32amThis Comment
I agree, these types of games don't really promote intellectual conversation or connectedness with friends, but rather, competition. And not the good competition where each "team" becomes stronger from the game itself, but it sounds like it was a competition of "who's better", and that was realized by "who's better at acting" than the other.
It's frustrating that when misinformation is perpetuated (like a woman having an orgasm from being kissed on the neck by her husband, and multiple other women having this experience too is hard to believe), that other husbands wonder why it takes THEIR wife 20 minutes to reach an orgasm...he thinks it's WORK...and that there may be something less "sexual" about his wife. I just re-read what I wrote, and I don't like talking in such generalities and stereotypes, but I do "feel" what Michelle went through during that game; women trying to out "sexualize" each other, instead of truthfully talking about sex. Even humorously talking about it taking 5 hours to reach orgasm would be better than saying, "just a mere peck and... pow"! And, most likely, most of the women participating in that game (statistically speaking) are not able to reach orgasm, which might make them feel really awful. And, I'm sure there were plenty of questions that made the men feel sexually inadequate, too.
But, the good thing is...games like this can help people talk about sex, and maybe each couple was more likely to continue the conversation in private (hopefully, not continuing the fabrication, though!)
March 22, 2008 - 12:37pmThis Comment