I am a 54 year old woman and have been married 3 times. I am in a relationship now and we are very seriously considering getting married. My problem is, I have never had children vaginally and have a small vagina. My boyfriend is larger than any of my previous husbands and we cant seem to get very far in the bedroom. We used a lubricant but still it is tearing me. I know since I have been through menopause that I have lost alot of elasticity in my vagina. Do you have any suggestions on what we can do in this case, as we do love each other dearly and would like to consumate our love. So far, he has been very patient and gentle with me in trying. I hate to disappoint him in this area of our relationship. Can you please help. Thanks for listening. Pam
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hey there..I'm 23 and also newly wed. my 1st night was horrible(i'm a virgin) and terrifying as i bleed like hell when penetrated. we didnt rush or force it,but my vagina hole seems to be very small and became painful during intercourse(if it was one). His penis barely went through my vagina as it became more and more painful. I thought i'm still a virgin after 2 weeks of marriage,but his finger went through my vagina quite deep. I lubricate quite a lot so i dont understand why is this happening. I'm taking pregnancy pills as i'm still a student and not expecting any family addition for the meantime. do u think the pills are causing the bloody rush or maybe the vagina walls are bleeding because of his penis size? but it really bled so much for 2 minutes non-stop like urinating.and also a bulky blood came out like jelly-thingy.i just hope that its not a cyst or anything dangerous.
April 8, 2009 - 3:13amThis Comment
Pam,
Have you talked with your OB/GYN or another health care provider about your pain during intercourse? There are several possible "causes" for painful intercourse, and you may want to rule out any medical causes.
MedlinePlus article suggests: if you are going through menopause and lubricants don't work, talk to your doctor about estrogen creams or other prescription medications.
Other options:
You and your partner may be able to minimize pain with a few changes in your sexual routine:
* Switch positions and try different positions
* Communicate. Talk about what feels good and what doesn't. If you need your partner to go slow, say so.
* Make sure you feel very aroused before you start intercourse. It is only when you are highly excited that your vagina expands to its fullest length and width. As women go through menopause, it may take a longer time and more touching to get fully aroused.
* Use lubricants. A water-based lubricant, such as K-Y jelly or Astroglide. If intercourse lasts more than a few minutes, you may need to stop briefly and smooth on some extra lubricant. Put lubrication on your partner's penis and on your vagina.
* Vaginal Moisturizers. Replens and Lubrin are vaginal moisturizers that you can use 2 or 3 times weekly to help keep your vagina moist and at a more normal pH. Their effects last longer than those of lubricants, and you can buy them without a prescription. Vitamin E gel caps can also be used as a vaginal moisturizer. With vaginal moisturizers, you can still use gel lubricant around the vulva or on the penis if needed. Talk with your doctor before using any new products!
]]>Medications and therapies]]>
* Treating underlying conditions. If an infection or medical condition is contributing to your pain, treating the underlying cause may resolve your problem
* Medications. In some cases, your doctor may suggest an oral prescription pain medication or injections of pain medications into the site of the pain.
* Desensitization therapy. During this therapy, you learn vaginal relaxation exercises that can decrease pain. Your therapist may recommend pelvic floor exercises (Kegel exercises) or other techniques to decrease pain with intercourse.
* Counseling or sex therapy. If sex has been painful for a long time, you may experience a negative emotional response to sexual stimulation even after treatment. If you and your partner have avoided intimacy because of painful intercourse, you may also need help improving communication with your partner and restoring sexual intimacy. Talking to a counselor or sex therapist can help resolve these issues. You can find a therapist in your area: http://www.aasect.org/default.asp
Relaxing the Vaginal Muscles and Kegel Exercises
Once a woman has felt pain during intercourse, she often becomes tense in sexual situations. Without knowing it, she may tighten the muscles just inside the entrance of the vagina. This makes intercourse even more painful. Sometimes she clenches her muscles so tightly that her partner cannot even enter her vagina.
You can become aware of your vaginal muscles and learn to relax them during intercourse. Exercises that teach control of the vaginal muscles are called Kegels, and practicing Kegels can help you decrease pain during intercourse.
If intercourse is painful and difficult, you or your partner can stretch your vagina with a finger before you try penetration. Lubricate a finger and slowly slip it inside your vagina. Use the Kegel movements to tighten and release your vaginal muscles as you slowly move it deeper in. When one finger is no longer painful, try using two fingers, and then three, before you try your partner's penis. Remember to use plenty of lubrication, and go slowly.
If you try most of these ideas but are still having genital pain, you may need some help from a gynecologist or sex therapist. There are also vaginal dilators in different sizes that are available for purchase, but please talk with your doctor about this---I am not sure about their safety and health benefits/consequences.
Does any of this information help?
July 8, 2008 - 2:09pmThis Comment
HI!
I read your answers and they were very helpfull. I am having the same problem with my husband. We are newly weds, since I decided that I wouldn't have sexual relations with anyone until I married. Well, you pretty much guessed i was a virgin. I was really looking foward to experiencing these event with my husband, but to my much amaze it was so painfull that i screamed and cried. After it I went to my OBGYN and consulted him. It turned out he actually teared me and on top of it I had an vaginal infection so he prescribed some antibiotics and an anesthesia (haha english in not my main languages sorry if i wrote it wrong) that helped a lot. However after leaving the anesthesia it seemed to be painful only at the intercourse (penetration) I consulted my doctor and I had an urine infection I treated it, but it seems to still be painful. I am barely 20 years old and i think i lubricate well ontop of it I use lubrication. Do you think I should use anesthesia again? I will try this kepel excercises for now. I HOPE YOU OR SOMEONE WILL ANSWER SOON!
August 13, 2008 - 12:17amThis Comment
I had a similar issue (I'm 20 as well), and my OB/GYN gave me a sample of a cream called Estrace. She told me that my vagina did not have enough elasticity due to a deficiency of estrogen. I used it, and the pain has since completely disappeared.
April 5, 2009 - 10:08amThis Comment
Pam,
I am sorry that you are having pain with intercourse...sex is supposed to feel pleasurable, so that is extremely frustrating.
I am looking up some information for you, but have a follow-up question: you mentioned that you have a "small vagina", and I have to ask, compared to what measure? The actual vagina is meant to stretch to an incredible width as the birth canal. You said the pain feels like "tearing", which I assume is upon penetration, on the outside or near the front opening (instead of the pain being from thrusting and something being "bumped" inside). Is this correct?
Here is what the ]]>Kinsey Institute]]> says about vaginal size:
"In regard to the vagina, it is important to know that vaginas can change in size during sexual excitement thanks to a pretty amazing process called "vaginal tenting". What happens is this: vaginas start out at about 3-4 inches in length (during an unaroused state). During sexual excitement, muscular tension pulls the uterus upward, which has the effect of making the vagina both longer and wider. Now, instead of being 3-4 inches in length, a vagina may reach approximately 5-6 inches in length – big enough to more comfortably accommodate penetration with a man’s penis, a sex toy or a partner’s fingers".
According to the Mayo Clinic, researchers estimate that up to 60 percent of women experience episodes of genital pain that occurs just before, during or after intercourse. Painful intercourse, or dyspareunia, is common. Most women with dyspareunia complain of superficial pain, which occurs upon penetration (the "tearing" that you are having).
It is interesting that you said lubrication is not working, as that would be one possible solution. Depending on how much your body is naturally lubricating, and how much lubrication you are using, your partner's penis can FEEL bigger/smaller! What type of lubrication are you currently using? There are many great brands on the market that I can suggest trying.
I'll write again soon with some more information and helpful suggestions...
July 8, 2008 - 1:21pmThis Comment