So we all know that early in the year, singer Chris Brown beat the living daylights out of singer Rihanna. He has admitted it, and is serving out some minor slap on the wrist with community service. The man apologized and his fans are sticking by him. Rihanna took a long time to talk about it (she waited until her album was being released, causing some to say she was cashing in) but she too has her fans at her side, and has moved on, stronger.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving. Tiger Woods has a car accident near his Florida property and the rumors are flying. His wife found about his transgressions (transgressions that Woods has pretty much 'fessed up to at this stage) and more and more women are crawling out of the woodwork with tales of affairs and sexual trysts with the world class golfer (and father of two very young children). The rumors are filled with talk that his wife, Elin, beat him and possibly went after his car with a golf club. Not to save him from his car wreck, as implied, but to beat him more.
We do know that Tiger made sure she was not associated with the 'accident' in any way, and that she was only there after the fact. We'll probably never know what really happened, unless one of them talks about it. With a lot of money at stake, that's unlikely. Both have the right to privacy. However, both lead public lives and must understand that the less spoken by them, means the more spoken by us.
Saturday Night Live had several skits this past weekend, most of them showing an obviously terrified "Tiger", hiding from his wife. The implication? "Elin" is going to whoop his ass. When the actress playing her isn't looking at him, the actor playing Tiger holds up signs to the media, that says "I'm scared!" "Help me!" and "She's strong!" . The more he sticks his foot in his mouth at various press conferences with her by his side, the more he lands in hospital and return to the press conference with more bandages and more injuries. The audience howls in laughter. So do many at home. Tiger turned Cheetah and lots of us think he got what he deserved. Bloggers yelled : don't all cheating men need their butts kicked?
You can see the skit here. http://www.hulu.com/watch/113210/saturday-night-live-tiger-woods-accident
Nobody did skits on Rihanna. Her interview was somber, almost religious. No background music, no fanfare. Just one beaten woman being interviewed about the horror she faced. Rumors on that story indicated that she was in her boyfriend's face, screaming at him as he drove, calling him a cheater and that she pushed him. Nobody yelled : don't all screeching women need their butts whopped?
We assume Tiger got his, and Rihanna is a victim.
We may never get the full story of what happened with either couple. But we do know that we find a woman being beaten by a man to be outrageous, and a man being beaten by a woman as....funny....payback....justifiable. And even if we don't, the media does...and then some.
Tell Us
Do you think there is a double standard in domestic violence? Do you think society views men beaten by their women as being less of a victim than the other way around?
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There is a double standard, but for me, it is not quite the way I think that you are saying above - my son has a relationship with a woman who hits him and rages and storms and goes 'berserk' sometimes when she is upset. This makes me very sad and I said to him that this is domestic abuse, such as I suffered from my first husband. My son was very understanding with me, and explained to me the difference as he sees it - I am not at all sure that I see it quite like him, but I can very much understand what he is saying.
May 13, 2011 - 6:32amI spent years of terror, living with a man who used to lash out without warning or provocation, I walked on eggshells for years, I was hunted, beaten, raped, insulted, humiliated and in some ways will never recover, though I live a full life now I have the legacy of Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis as well as Dissociative Identity Disorder [which is the result of a very traumatic childhood]. I still have PTSD and am still sometimes triggered into flashbacks that leave me wordless and terrified. And that is the difference - as my son sees it, he loves his partner very much, he understands how hurt and damaged she has been from her life before him, and - here is his point - HE is NOT afraid of her. He has no fear. When she becomes too violent, he holds her arms, or holds her to him so that she cannot attack him. They are working through this together, and he loves her, and accepts her pain and her inability to cope without flying into a rage, and they talk about it, and she knows she is wrong. My situation was quite different, and my life was a nightmare of uncertainty, pain, fear, misery. There is a real difference here.
I think that the law here in Oz is that anyone, male or female, who assaults another person is liable to be arrested and dealt with. I cannot condone the violence done to any spouse/partner, but I can understand what my son is saying, in that he is not being abused, nor is he afraid or vulnerable - which is a huge difference. Of course situations vary, and this is just one - but it is a point to consider.
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Susan, this IS a good topic. And yes, there is a double standard. No doubt. For many years there have been documented cases of battered husbands; but domestic violence committed by the woman is just not reported very often because it embarrasses the men. ("What, you can't control your woman?")
I think that Rosa and Pat are right. I also think that there's a double standard because in so many couples, the man has a significant strength advantage, and often height and weight as well. It's not a fair fight, regardless of which side was wrong (or wronged). I would feel the same way about a couple in which the woman was much stronger and larger than the man -- it's bullying to use your strength to hurt another person. But when the smaller person fights back, we see it differently.
I agree with Rosa. If Elin had simply smacked Tiger Woods with a golf club (or, for that matter, a baseball bat), and he called the authorities, she would have been arrested. The car accident muddies everything up (but is also the reason it all went public).
December 10, 2009 - 8:23amThis Comment
Susan - Yes, there's a double standard. The Saturday Night Live skit is making fun of the very idea that a woman would be capable of dealing with a man who had caused a problem. It puts the woman down with humor, while also poking fun at the man. Is this right? Of course not. There's nothing funny about domestic violence whether committed by a man or a woman. We just live in a society where it's still okay to make fun of women no matter what the reason, and one that only very recently started taking female victims of domestic violence more seriously. There's still a very long way to go in recognizing the true nature of this crime and the impact on victims and the family.
December 8, 2009 - 6:44pmGood topic, thanks! Pat
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I think there is a double standard but I'm not sure if Tiger Woods and Rhianna are comparable. It was assumed that his wife beat him because of the breaking of the window with the golf club but he has called those accusations completely false. The fact that he has denied it will keep her out of jail because he was also in a car accident that night. Now, of course the media is going to make jokes out of it because he has "allegedly" cheated on Elin with who knows how many other women and getting beat with your own golf clubs makes good humor in Hollywood.
Rhianna, on the other hand, was punched repeatedly in the face by her boyfriend after an argument they had in the car. I hate to say this because it doesn't make either case right but Rhianna was no match for Chris Brown. Neither was Tiger Woods for a gold club but if she was beating him with a long golf club I find it hard to believe he couldn't make the attempt to take it away from her and be successful. KWIM?
So yeah, there is a double standard but if you punched or hit your husband with an item and he called the cops on you, you'd spend the night in jail just as he would if he touched you. So, legally it is punishable equally.
December 8, 2009 - 6:43amThis Comment