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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

This is the first time I have been to this site too. I'm 39 and have been married for just a few months. Before I got married, my husband and I lived 6 hours apart. We would visit each other on weekends, and might have sex once during our weekend visits. I figured it was due to the long drive and just being tired. We dated for a year and then I moved in with him... hoping that it would get better. It basically didn't. I tried to talk with him about my feelings, but he said that he was adjusting to the change of me moving in. He had been alone for 6 six years and I have a teen daughter. I'm a counselor and really thought that this might be the case - but I have been quite disturbed with what I recently found on his computer. He has hard core porn sites with women that do NOT look like me - very large breasted women and sites that show "teen" (18 year olds) porn. After our talk, it really didn't get any better. We get along in every other aspect, but I have found myself needed to satisfy my own sexual urges... something that I did when I was alone. When we do have sex, I cannot have an orgasm because I am just so hurt/sensitive that I really cannot enjoy it. I'm debating on wether I can continue to live like this for ever.

November 29, 2010 - 5:45pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anonymous,
I'm sorry you have been going through this. Am I to understand that for the duration of your 4 1/2 year marriage you haven't had sex with your husband? Have you ever asked your husband why he married you? Do you think the way he is treating you is healthy? Do you think he would ever consider marital counseling? Do you work for a living? Do you have health insurance? Sorry to ask so many questions. I don't want to scare you away.
I understand how this all may be difficult for you. Your husband's unrealistic expectations no doubt have impacted you. You may want to ask your doctor about referring you to a therapist. Emotional abuse can be helped, and step-by-step, you can get through this. Here is information about getting help and protecting yourself:
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Do you have friends or family close by that you could lean on if you decided to leave your husband? Would you want to investigate ways to set yourself up to be more independent?
Take care of yourself, and let us know if you need further help to find resources, or if you need support.

November 24, 2010 - 8:23am
EmpowHER Guest

I have been married for about 4 years. My husband says he really loves me and cares for me but we haven't had sex since we got married. He tells me that he loves me like a sister/family member but on the other hand calls me his wife (all the time). I am totally confused. We are trying to have a baby but might need to go to a doctor and figure out other options to have a baby (i.e. test tube) instead of through sex. I am really disappointed but we do love each other very much. Anyone been in similar situation? Any advice?

October 21, 2010 - 6:44am
(reply to Anonymous)

You and your husband have not ever had sex in four years?

Can you tell us more about this...what have your conversations been like regarding this topic? Are there medical or health conditions, or do you both agree that you would rather not have intercourse? Are you physically intimate in other ways?

October 21, 2010 - 2:16pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm going through the same things. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have three kids and don't want anymore. Our sex life has always been healthy until this year. We never have sex unless he wants it. And if he's the one that instigates it it's always in his sleep. He will wake up just rubbing on me. That really only happens maybe once a month if that. I feel so ugly, fat, and very self conscious!!!!

October 10, 2010 - 9:42pm
EmpowHER Guest

Wow anon 30 years. It is so sad that this is going for so long. I am 25 and my husband of almost 3 years is into porn too. When I confronted him, at first, he denied. Even though I couldnt prove it, I knew it. He ended up admiting it and also promised not to do it again. That was about 3 months back and there is no much of a difference in our sex life. But how do I know if he is keeping up his promise of not using porn to satisfy himself?? I dont know how to check in the computer, I dont know a lot about computers.
Honestly, I think that he might still be doing it. That is one bad habit that must be hard to break. My hopes are that he stopped that back when he told me he would. But if he did stop, why he still rejects me so often?? I have asked him a couple of time and he said that he is not doing porn anymore. I NEED to know if he did stop or not. These are the reasons why I need to know: if he is still into porn, I need to know so we can both fight that and build up a rightous and healthy sex life, I want to find out if he is being honest when he says that he stopped, I need to know if he is an honest man/husband, I need to know if he would come to me for support if he is having trouble quitting, I need to know because if it is not due to porn, then why is he rejecting me?
For me it has been almost three years and I feel like I cant take it anymore. I really admire you Anonimous for putting through this for so long. I hope that for you, all that effort will pay off and he will quit that habit and choose you instead.
For me I wish the same. I love my husband and I am willing to work things out if he is willing to make porn part of his past. I want to be right next to him, very tight, and never separate. But I need to know if he is still into porn or not. I he is, I need to know if he is willing to give it put for me, for him, for our marriage. If he is not willing to give it up, I rather go my own way.
I heard before that about t 30% of all divorces are caused by pornography. I dont want this to be my case. It is sad but this whole thing has to do a lot with trust which in my opinion is key to a good marriage. I want us to start trusting each other and make our marriange strong. I want to be there for him, the rest of my life. I just need him, to be mine as well or at least he needs to try and show that he still cares. (caring not by saying he will change but by doing something about it)

October 9, 2010 - 9:44pm
EmpowHER Guest

My husband and I have been married for 30 years. When we were first together my life was in happy land. He showed his love for me, we connected in all the right ways, and our sex was loving and fulfilling. We had a baby out of wedlock but still I didn't ask him to marry me. I felt his love and commitment every day. Then our baby nearly died, but was saved do to costly hospital care. I realized how vulnerable I was so I asked him to marry him. He immediately agreed, but all of the hippy wedding pictures show him with a look of stunned resignation. Not a smile in one of them. Soon afterwards he became distant then began a behavior that has haunted our entire married life together. He obsessively stares at beautiful, young women in public, right in front of me! This staring is both rude and compulsive. On our first year anniversary he did it and I decided then to retaliate with an affair...I was young myself and very stupid. The affair was a disaster. I was consumed with guilt, finally confessing everything to my husband, you forgave me. It told him that the lack of passionate sex, affection, and the horrible staring made me do it. For about two years afterwards he controlled his impulses a bit, but soon they began again in earnest. Our lives became stressed. I pursued a degree in design, we remodeled a home for 12 years, and do to sleep issues, we slept in separate rooms. Then it was my job only to initiate sex. I have always hugged him but he never hugs me, checks me out, initiates sex, or compliments me in any way except for the most mundane of ways..."you always know how to pack a car." I promised him and myself that I would NEVER have another affair, and his staring of very young women told me that he no longer desired me, so I did what many women on this list have done...I closed up shop...I stopped being a sexual being. I entered public life, ran for office and won, and made many new friends. He has made no new friends since college. All he seemed to want to do was watch TV until both of us had passed out. Then he would take the laptop to bed with him and close the door. Not until last month did I realize that he was watching a lot of porn...lovely college girls ( and we live in a college town!) besides many pickup sites. When first confronted he denied it all until I found the cookie files that told all. He has started to be nicer to me, hold me and caress me, and we are finally having loads of sex. I am in dreamland over the sex, but knowing that he has lied to me all these years, that he has wantonly stared at very young women in my presence for years, and that he is a hopeless fantasy addict makes me very mistrustful of him. We are luckily in marriage counseling, but now that my buried anger has been released I have become dangerously depressed and anxious. I lost 15 lbs. in 3 weeks so I am now worried my health. I keep thinking that we will be in a restaurant, I am dressed very sexy, I leave to go to the bathroom, and when I come back he is doing his staring at a lovely woman at the bar. At that point, I don't know WHAT I will do. When I say that he stares at young women, it is something to see. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE else is staring at these young women like he does, except, maybe, time to time, a horny teenager. My hurt is so deep, 30 years deep, that there are days that I can barely function. I think I can forgive him because we are best friends, but I don't think I will ever trust him. What am I doing wrong? How can this all be over?

October 6, 2010 - 10:10am
(reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anonymous,
Thank your for your comment and for being a part of the EmpowHER community. I am sorry for all the pain you seem to have in your life. It is completely understandable in my mind that after 30 years of marriage, there may be some things you both need to work out. Bad habits are hard to break for sure. What concerns me most is your mention of anxiety and depression. Are you being treated for these conditions? Are you going to counseling for yourself? Have you been to see a doctor about your weight loss, just to make sure there isn't a condition you're not recognizing.
You say your husband is your best friend but yet you don't trust him. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't trust my best friend. Has he ever cheated on you? Or is his gawking and internet behavior your major concern? Does he chat with the women on the websites? Does he have a porn addiction? Has this come up in counseling?
Regardless, you personally can work on your trust issue, etc. by reading self-help books, or focusing on it in you own counseling. You have everything to gain in self-confidence, improved health, etc. by working on improving yourself. I sincerely hope you and your husband can work it out, but as a woman who has been divorced, I know sometimes it's better to walk away. My experience is very different. I was only married 2 years. My current marriage is 6 years.
If I overlooked a particular question you were wanting a response to, please let us know. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

October 6, 2010 - 12:56pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Christine Jeffries)

Thank you, Christine, for your concern. This list is a lifesaver. When I challenge him on the rude staring of women he answered that, "maybe this is just who I am." I can't get this comment out of my mind. I responded, "what if I had an addiction to giving men oral sex in our home right before you came home from work so that you would 'catch us in the act'. That these men are always handsomer, more successful, and have larger penises than yours? Could you accept that as 'just who I am?' ...well, of course hot!" He has recently told me that he spoke out of turn and that he really didn't mean that. I am no therapist, but the way I see it, when he is stressed and depressed he goes off by himself to fantasy land instead of turning to the person who loves him...me. His fantasies involve very young women as ideal partners...partners that do not demand anything for they are fantasies. All women will demand something from a man, but he likes to imagine a woman that does not. He further falls into this "alone" state by watching endless TV and looking at online porn. I have taken away all of the porn potential in the house and I am trying to bring him back from his alone place with loads of sex and hugging. He needs to turn to a real live woman and learn to work with me to handle his fear of intimacy. If this sounds very mature of me, I must admit that there are moments when I can't stop screaming at him for all that he has done to me, which does not help things. I have been prescribed xanax (sp?) and when I have an anxiety attack before bed I will take only a half tab as prescribed. The depression meds only made things worse. I have been diagnosed with temporary depression and anxiety based upon my husband's recent revelations. I can't say enough to the entire list that marriage counseling, if you can get your spouse to attend, is invaluable. If he agrees to go then both of you are on the way to recovery. Why I put up with his behavior is key to me. My guess is that I felt guilty for my affair but I also think that I was following in my mother's footsteps. My father was a hopeless philander...a loving dad, but he would emotionally abuse my mother every night and she took it. To all of the wonderful women on this list, don't have your story last as long as mine. Think better of yourself, keep youself up (for your own sake), and show him that a loving family life with a healthy sex life if a blessing only the stupid guys pass up.

October 7, 2010 - 6:32am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi there. I'm a 27 year old woman married to a 28 yr old man. We've been married almost 5 years, and have been together in total 7 years. We used to have an amazing sex life, but recently, like within the past3 months, he doesn't want me, and gives me all sorts of excuses (ie: too tired, too late at night, too early, child is still awake (even though we would lock our door while she was playing so we could "play" too, I go to bed after him, etc etc) I'm always met with an excuse whenever I try to be intimate through any means possible. I don't understand why he is pulling away like this. I just left our bedroom after another rejection and am sitting here crying wondering what I did wrong. I miss the intimacy so much, and just want to reconnect, but he keeps avoiding it. I'm so hurt. I try to talk about it and he either acts annoyed or its not a big deal.

October 4, 2010 - 10:59pm
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