Facebook Pixel

Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
Rate This

I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

Add a Comment246 Comments

(reply to Christine Jeffries)

i will try councelling. i think i really need someone to talk to. i know he wont agree, he doesnt believe in councelling or sharing his feelings in any way as he considers it a western way of thinking.
the links helped me understand a lot more and gave me alot of tips on how to make me and my husband better. i dont want this issue to ruin my marriage. i dont want to be one of these people who are divorced, no offense intened. i want to be strong with my husband and after the help i have received on this website, i feel stronger and more willing to work on my marriage.
i reaslied from this site that i am not alone in this issue and by trying to just talk to my husband about how he makes me feel when he doesnt touch me or make love to me made him realise that this relationship has 2 people in it , and he is really trying in every way, emotionally and physically. sometimes i think just sitting down with one another, with no distraction, no tv, internet or people around,helps as the other person will really take in what your saying. the advice i can give is write down all your feelings on a piece of paper over a month and sit down and then sit down and tell him this is how you make me feel. sometimes their unaware of how they make you feel. so communication is the key, and one should go to what lenghts is neccessary to make them listen.
i hope my advice helps others.
please dont just except that you have to be in a sexless marriage. do what ever it takes to make your partner realise your needs and wants. its a huge part of life and not having it affects your life.
again i hope it helps, as i know this website really helped me understand my issues alot more.

January 6, 2011 - 2:36pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm a 60 ish year old who has put up with what you have for 43 years. I've been without sex, intimacy, affection for 26 of those horrible years. It was my fault for not leaving my husband. He had E/D problems and other issues early in our marriage. And he was really happy that he couldn't have sex with me. I explained my needs and he just said find something else to satisfy my needs. I really hate where I ended up. I'm such an ass for not seeing the forest for the trees. To him were just friends, I just feel like his trash. I could have made a real man really happy who appreciated me. One who enjoyed sex any time and when ever and where ever.
Go find a man who will treat like his own personal woman of the evening. Dump your current man.

December 14, 2010 - 3:52pm
EmpowHER Guest

Okay ladies, pay attention...my ex husband did this to me and we are now getting a divorce...if he is doing this he is either:
1) having sex with someone else
2) gay
3) no longer in love with you (and no you cant win him back this is not a curable disease).

One a man gets into this mode, there is no turning back. He isnt interested.

Now that we got that settled, DONT TAKE IT PERSONAL. You are a woman and no matter what your shape, personality, history, status or whatever excuse they gave you for not having sex, ITS IRRELEVANT. MILLIONS OF MEN OUT THERE WANT TO LOVE, HAVE SEX WITH AND SHARE THEIR LIVES WITH A WOMAN EXACTLY LIKE YOU WITH EXACTLY YOUR IMPERFECTIONS. REJOICE! BE HAPPY! DONT CRY ANYMORE. GET UP OFF YOU SEAT RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT AND TELL HIM ITS OVER, PAY IT UP AND MOVE OUT OR KICK HIM OUT. The longer you wait, the longer it will take to finally move on. My ex husband tried to destroy me, crush my self esteem and make me feel worthless, but his utter bullshit had the opposite effect. Ladies, you can choose to live in heaven or live in hell...which one do you choose?

November 29, 2010 - 11:30pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Raylene,
If I understand you correctly, you do not have an intimate or mental connection with your roommate, is this correct? I would definitely agree to call him more of a roommate than a relationship as there appears to be no communication emotionally, mentally or sexually. Can I ask you something? Why do you stay with him?


November 28, 2010 - 10:17am
(reply to Anonymous)

I am asking myself that same question over and over again. I know I love him, he says he loves me. But I just dont feel as if we are truly a couple. How do you tell a man to go when you feel as if your heart is being ripped in two? I admit, this would be easier if he wasnt living with me, I can also admit I would have taken the easy way out and left him while he was at work on day.
I have told him to leave, but he can't leave right then. I think if he was able to just go, when I have finally built the strength to let him go, I wouldnt back down and let him stay.
Maybe that is my solution, I need to make sure he has enough money to just go when i say you need to go.
And yes, I know where he goes is not my problem or worry, but I cant help feeling some sort of responsibility for him. He left all he knew to move here and be with me. He is now in a new town with no friends, no family. I just find it so hard to be so cruel to him and say, Go, I dont care what happens to you, just go. Truth is I care what happens to him. I appear to be in love with someone that does not desire me, what a kick in the A**.
I pray for the strength and fortitude to let him go. May I one day find it, cuz I cant keep going on like this, it is making me physically ill to want and not be wanted back.

November 29, 2010 - 8:40am

Wow I never realized this was such a common issues. So I guess my question is, how do you shut down ones sex drive and not shut down completely. I desire him all the time, I touch him I tingle, I look at him and want him. But I know it will go nowhere, so I have learned to not touch him, I go to bed at night now and just turn over and go to sleep, cuz I dont want to create a desire within that will not be satisified. I dont beg him for sex, i dont ask him for sex. But now, for me this relationship as begun to feel like we are simply coexisting. And so he gets upset when I do things, like have my kids come over, and didnt discuss it with him. Or I plan get togethers with my family and dont discuss it with him. I understand his point, but I dont feel the need to discuss things with him. I honestly feel like we are no more than roommates now. Is that all I can ever expect, am I better off admitting to myself that in my mind, a true partnership has to be intermixed with a good sexual compatibility. Is it, that for me, sexual compatibility is what makes the mental closeness grow? Do I need to admit to myself, that I have to have someone that is as sexually compatible in order to be mentally close where I feel we are partners and not just roommates? Does any of this even make sense to anyone?

November 28, 2010 - 9:55am
(reply to raylene1211)

Hi Raylene1211,
Thanks for your comments. Maybe I missed it somewhere in your posts, but have you tried talking with him about your sexual challenges? Do you think he may have a physical/medical problem that's prohibiting him from being intimate? It is not easy when you are merely co-existing. What changed? I understand how you would feel responsible for having him move to be with you. In that regard, have you done your due diligence to try to get to the bottom of why things are how they are now. I'm assuming things weren't always this way. Are you intimate in other ways? Do you date? I agree sexual compatibility can be a deal breaker. But before you decide the relationship has to end, have you discussed the issue with him?

November 29, 2010 - 9:10am
(reply to Christine Jeffries)

I want to be sure and answer your questions so I am going to use your post in my answer: U said"but have you tried talking with him about your sexual challenges?" Yes, talk, pleaded, begged for understanding. Then you asked'" Do you think he may have a physical/medical problem that's prohibiting him from being intimate?" No, in all honesty I dont think I even please him when we have sex. I am not some young naive girl, I can tell when a man has been satisfied and I just dont see this with him. He says he is, but I dont see it.
What changed? "I wish I knew"
You go on to say: "I understand how you would feel responsible for having him move to be with you. In that regard, have you done your due diligence to try to get to the bottom of why things are how they are now." Yes I feel as if I have, I have asked him whats wrong, what can I change, do we need counseling, does he need to see a doctor, and all I ever get is. Its not you.
You ask " Are you intimate in other ways?" I am going to assume do we hold hands, do we cuddle, do we sit and watch TV or movies together. To answer this, hmmm, we do things together, but I never feel as if we are doing these things as a couple, I feel as if we are two friends hanging out. He says he feels different. So my only response to him is, well then we have two completely different ideas of what a relationship is about. As for kissing, we no longer seem to even do that.
Then you asked, " Do you date?" Yes we do, we are going out to dinner tonight. We went to the lake the other day. We went to the movies over the weekend. Finally you asked ,"Have you discussed the issue with him?" My answer, when have I not discussed it with him.
I do realize he is trying to make this relationship work, and I have read enough posts to know that this is not an isolated situation. We date, he is sweet in things he does. But for me, He could put the world at my feet, but if I cant be kissed more, held more, and simply physically loved more, I would rather be alone. It is not the things in life that make me happy. I could live in a shack, as long as I felt that connection with the person. And for me part of that connection is love making. I realized today, its been over a month since we have kissed, I mean really kissed. I get pecks, a blow in the air, but I want a kiss. A kiss that makes me swoon. And I know those exist. I have had them with him.
Honestly, I am beginning to think he is a man that is gay and is denying it. And if he is, then fine, go find the love of your life, man or woman. As every day passes, I realize more and more we are not meant to be together. And this does not mean I dont love him. Here I sit now tearing up at the thought of him leaving, but here we are entering a holiday of love. We were given a great gift of love from above, and i cherish this season and want to be surrounded by people that I love and that truly love me. And maybe he does love me, but not in the way where I feel it inside. Every day we grow further and further apart, and I tell him. I tell him why things are growing ever so distant between us. I tell him, I feel unloved, undesired, and unwanted. I am not bashful with how I feel. But nothing changes. If his actions do not change, how can anything improve. If his inactions continue, it is only making the distance grow, the pain in me grow.
The pain I feel each night when I go to an empty bed knowing he will not come to join me until I am so sleepy, I can do nothing but sleep assuredly means we will end. We will ultimately go our seperate ways. And its breaking my heart.

December 1, 2010 - 3:59pm
(reply to raylene1211)

Hi raylene1211,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel like I have been in your shoes at least in part. You are good friends. My one thought is this, if you continuously tell him how he's not measuring up, he will live up to that expectation. From what I've seen and heard, it is natural for relationships to turn platonic to a certain extent over time. It takes a lot of work to keep the flames of passion glowing. Sounds to me (and again, I'm not a certified therapist), you may need some physical distance to let the chips fall where they will. In this time, you can focus on yourself and surround yourself with family and friends you can count on. It is heart-breaking, but you can get through it, regardless of what that means for you and your current boyfriend. Maybe it will come back around, maybe it won't--it's up to you and your boyfriend. This can be a growth period for you both. I know that pit-of-the-stomach feeling you no doubt have. I won't pull any punches in saying it sucks. Good luck, and let us know if you need further support.

December 2, 2010 - 8:33am
EmpowHER Guest

This is the first time I have actually been to this site and now I realize that I'm not alone. My husband and I got married about 4 1/2 years ago. During the first week of marriage he stopped all physical contact with me. He said that there is a condition and that I must lose weight. I have an extra 50 pounds on me and this is how he met me. I actually started losing weight, lost about 20lbs. but he still told me that I'm fat and that he can't be with me. According to him, it's simply impossible to be with me being over weight. He tells me, "I can't do it, I don't even know what I'm doing when I'm with you"...of course he's referencing my womanhood. I have tried losing the weight but it's really hard for me. I am polycystic ovaries and that makes it a bit hard, not impossible but hard. however, i have never been a size 2 and that is what he wants. he wants me to be a size 2!!! I don't think that is even physically possible for me.
So it's been more than 4 years. every now and then i try to entise him or arouse him...he gets aroused, then i do all the work and he's released. but the last time i tried doing even that, his body didn't respond to me. so i gave up as of 6 months ago. don't know what else to do... i have even told him he can go and leave... but after a fight we make up and go back to the same routine. i can't move forward ... i feel trapped.
I'm 38 and am looking at early menopause due to my condition. I want a baby...and he's not budging... i have even begged him not to take the dream of motherhood from me...but all he tells me is lose weight...then we'll see...
What if it's too late by then? What if I can never be a size 2?
I need strength to leave...but I'm so tied to him emotionally...he's a good man...but not good enough for me to depend on, I guess...
DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE IT IN ME...and where would i go?

November 23, 2010 - 4:25pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!