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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

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EmpowHER Guest

I am about to be 36 years old. I have had problems with my sex life with my husband for about 2 years now. We have been married for about 3 and a half years. It started before my ex got out of prison, and the lack of attention drove me to the attention of my ex. I didn't have sex with him, but I wanted to. My husbands excuses vary. He is tired. His testosterone may be low. I lay like a lump on the other side of the bed doing nothing to start the sex. I don't know what to do. We have a daughter that came from him, and my first daughter came from my ex who left me after 11 years while I was 7 months pregnant.

May 2, 2011 - 5:40pm

Dear fellow members.
I hope you do not mind a male sharing his depressing story here as im so desperate to talk and share my story and feel you ladies will understand.

I have been viewing this post for a while and been reading the comments. Heart Breaking stories that i shed my fair share of anger and frustration at the screen that you all should have to feel so alone.
I've started searching the net in desperation to somehow try and find a solution to my sexless marriage. I'm now not so sure what the internet could bring since i see so many others in search of answers. I'm marriaged to the most beautiful girl in the whole world. I have been married to her since 2007 and have one child with her. btw im 28 she is 27.
Its come to the stage that my wife is no longer intimate with me or even affectionate. Its been almost a year since we made love and was another 6 months before then. She don't even touch me. She has insecurity issues big time, If im with any girl or dare to be in her house sample- my little girl made a mess in her clothes, a women from her nursery invited me to her house to change my daughters clothes and my wife hit the roof when i told her about this nice women. I lost all my girl friends because she did't want me to talk to any of them. I feel depressed and lonely due to the fact i lost my friends but mostly any physical love with my wife. She had a bad ordeal when she was younger Which i accepted but she has shut me out of any kind of love and i feel Like i have become part of nothing. Its not all about sex, some contact would be nice. Yes we kiss, but only routine kisses. Im desperate to find some kind of medication to stop my body from aching of love. I don't wanna suffer the way i am now and wish i could just hang the old chap up instead of feeling constant rejection. I had managed for a whole 9 months to go without asking but now the urges of physical need are so strong its causing problems. She has every excuse ready at hand and appartly all i do is think of sex. WTF I'm a full on Dad and husband, i do the ironing, i clean, look after my daugther and my wife to the point im only sleeping 5 hours a night. Im so tired of loving her and wishing thats tonights the night she will touch me, or just even to hold me. I'm emotionally drained. Its beginning to wear me down, I donno what to do, every time the subject comes up im the one feeling guilty she is telling me go if u can't handle this shit. Yet she tells me she loves me. I only wish for some tender loving care, i don't feel loved and im tired of working so hard only to lie next to her at night like to buddies. How can ppl do this, my wife knows im not happy, yet i do not see her making any slight effort and im lost what to do. I'm in love with her and thats the problem. How can i shut these feelings of sexual desire off so i can match her low libido.

April 26, 2011 - 12:41pm
EmpowHER Guest

We have been married for 40 plus years and after our first year of marriage he started to become disinterested in me. And after 10 years he came right out and said that I was not interesting, boring and a prude. So with that announcement he further added that sex,love, intimacy was over. He began working mid night shifts which included weekends so he wouldn't have to be with me . I worked days and had normal weekends. I told him I have needs and I want children. The answer was go else where for your needs and he wasn't going to father any kids. If I wanted kids adopt some or go out with some one to make you pregnant. He did not care what I did. So to add further insult he built himself a shop and small appartment down stairs. He only comes upstairs when I need something fixed. Other wise he lives down stairs and I have the up stairs. We haven't really talked in years and sometimes we go for weeks without seeing each other. Now with all the lonelyness I've been through I distrust all men and have developed a hatred toward them. Some of my friends don't even know I'm married, I took off my wedding ring years ago. I hate to admit this but I have a couple of intimate girls I spend time with I need these ladies for support,love,hugs and togetherness. I must say my husband is not into porn or gay. He hasn't any friends. He hasn't a computer or phone, I have the only computer and the only cell phone.

March 27, 2011 - 10:12am
(reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anonymous,
I'm sorry you have been dealing with this for 40+ years. Have you ever talked with a therapist? It may do you some good to help you get back on your feet emotionally, and to learn how to start living a fuller life. It is up to you to take charge, and to get the life you need. Seems like you have been putting this off for a long time. When is it time to say, "enough!"?
The volume of women who are in this community thread should tell you that you are not alone in the least sense. However, you are your own person. You've got to take care of yourself. It is unfair that you place your husband's behavior toward you on all men. Yes, there are some mean, sick and twisted men out there, but there also are some nice ones who would love to be with a woman who has something to offer, even if it's just love and companionship.
A therapist can help you get the to bottom of how your life up to now has affected you, and how you can get past all bad feelings and to start working toward a brighter future. If you need help locating one, ask your doctor for a reference.
Good luck, and let us know how else we can help.

March 28, 2011 - 8:15am
EmpowHER Guest

Same thing happen to me right now, my husband and i have been married for 3 yrs but living together 1yr for his immigration status, when we first got married we started having problems because he would'nt touch me i know he loves me and he cares about me but i have to do something to get him interest about me and just doesnt work at all, i ask him all the time whats going on and he says is not me that he is just stressed out, tired or sleepy, and when i get him to be with me he can't hold it for long we have to finish quick before it goes down, he just had 3 days off and since he always says he's tired i figure he was gonna be relaxed and i was gonna be able to be with him, waited those 3 days and nothing. so last night i told him i was tired of not being desired and being treated like his sister and couldn't stand it anymore because my self steem is getting worst i feel ugly and fat, and what he told me is that he has always had problems trying to keep it up i need help please i dont know if there is a treatment for him... Thank you

March 12, 2011 - 9:58am
(reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anonymous,
In this situation, all you can do is be supportive and suggest he see a doctor about his condition. If he does in fact have erectile dysfunction, the doctor may be able to help with treatment. Try to focus on what's good in your relationship for now, and in time perhaps the sex will come back. For your own sanity, you may need to set your own realistic expectations in your mind, and if those expectations don't match up with what is happening, then you can decide how you plan to react at that time. This way, you are taking a proactive role, and not being made a victim. Do what you need to for yourself to focus on love and improving your own self-image, and hopefully, everything will eventually fall in to place.
Please bear in mind we are not therapists or doctors, so take this with a grain of salt. If you don't agree, then do what you feel is right.
Good luck, and let us know how you're doing.

March 14, 2011 - 8:28am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm in the same boat like everyone else here. Except my husband hasn't had sex with me for almost 30 years. I don't really know why we stayed together. He dosen't kiss me,hold hands or touch me in any way, I wanted kids and he told me that was not going to happen. For years I've been depressed and lonely. He refuses to help himself, he thinks everything is ok. He prefers to be just left alone and don't bother him. I think hes uncaring, cruel, and pig headed. A word to the wise and all of you get help, communicate, get your love problem straightened out and don't ruin your entire life.

February 8, 2011 - 12:04pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am sorry to all that are going through this feeling. I also am going through the same thing. My hubby to be does show any sign of him wanting sex. But when we go out he checks out every girl in sight. I try to ignore now because it causes a big fight. I find it rude but he doesn't seem to understand. I think we have had sex 3 times since October. And thats only has been when we were both drunk. And not even then did we really have sex. I am 35 and he is 30.
I have not brought it up but it does make me fell less and less about myself. The one thing that gets me is, when I leave town and return. I sometime find shirts of cum in it. So I know he has been masturbating but if he is doing this and not with me? It just confuses me and I feel very hurtful from it. I have address this but he gets in a standoff mood. I just do not understand.

January 19, 2011 - 9:36am
EmpowHER Guest

I would like to apologize to the moderator and anyone else as to my feelings toward my wife. Ruffling anyones feathers is not good. I have no intention on changing my attitude toward her and I think I will leave it be. I don't think I'm name calling and I also welcome the conversation with the other folks in this group. Again I apologize.

January 14, 2011 - 3:48pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

By the way have you suggested an open marriage? I did. It's kind of put pep in my step a little. I may even start doing yoga again :P I've told him to get get laid. I'm sick of him moping around.

May 30, 2013 - 5:30am
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