Facebook Pixel
Q: 

Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
 
Rate This

I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

Add a Comment246 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi,

I have experience something same, i am 24 and my husband is 32, we are newly married, he loves me, i love him, he find me beautiful, But when its comes to bed........ its a horror story... I can't arouse him, even when I try, he starts laughing as if i am cracking a joke, no smooches just peck of kiss, always, I am really fond of passionate kissing.

For him honeymoon is a hiped up thing, after marriage we went to a
family party far from home, we shared the room with his parents.
We don't go to pubs or frd's coming over n all. We just go to his parents home every weekend, a long weekend if we are not going to his parents is gym, mall, redbox movie.

We want a baby, that makes the reason for having sex so its focused around my ovulation. That too, it is tough for him to ejaculate inside with that kind of motion so i had to manually Masturbate him so that he could ejaculate. for the sperm n egg thing.

We have had proper sex without Masturbation is only 2wice in 10 months.

N worst now new is since he can't be stimulated so porn on computer, while I am lying like a sextoy.

Hating every minute of it...

December 12, 2011 - 2:38pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I'm 21 and have been in a relationship with my now husband since August 2008. We have a two year old with a muscular/skeletal disease and are expecting again in June 2012. We only got married in October 2011,and I know it was only because I got pregnant. We always talked about marriage while he was in the process of getting a divorce from his ex,but when the time came he just didn't want to do it. In 11 weeks we've had sex 4 times. I have initiated it every time and even get turned down on most occasions. This has been happening for years. He never wants me, I even try to give him blow jobs and he rolls on his back and says no. I'm a cute girl, a good mother and a great house wife. I care for our daughter alone despite her chronic medical condition. I've tried looking at his phone a few times, and he literally wrestles me over it, or has a death grip on it. He even sleeps with it in his pocket with his hand over it. We fight often, everytime i try to talk,he says I'm always bitching. We barely socialize with eacother. I admit I don't have much to talk about, I have zero friends because they all spoke negative things about my child. The only person I see and speak to daily is my mother. He ignores constantly,even if iaskhim to feed our daughter before I to the store I come home to a full bottle and when I confront him he says i never told him to do anything. If we fight he blames all of our problems on me. He leaves for hours or is very late coming home from work at least twice a week and if I ask where he was he just blows me off. I feel like a maid and nanny. He never wants to go out on the rare occasion when my mom can babysit, and in public if I try to hold his hand he pulls away and walks ahead of me. I try so hard to be a good wife. He can't even kiss me without rolling his eyes and he doesn't even pucker his lips. If we do have sex and I'm on top he pulls my head down so my face is in his shoulder and he's not looking at me, or a position where he can't see my face at all. I love him more than words can say but I think any love he once had for me disappeared. I'm accused of cheating, although I only leave our home for less than an hour maybe 4 times a month. He always says he's sorry after we have sex. And he never wants to just be by me. I'm at a loss. I don't know what else I can do. He's a good father and a great provider and gives me anything money can buy. I'd much rather have love, intimacy and attention. I just don't know.

November 29, 2011 - 11:15pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am 22 and have been in a relationship for almost 3 years now. I have been married for about 6 months now. About a month into our marriage and I started having the same problem. I feel disgusting and ugly and it sort of makes me regret getting married! Skimpy outfits, parading around naked, it gets no reaction! I can't understand this... He is also in his early 20s so it shouldn't be a health issue... Before marriage we couldnt keep our hands off each other. I work out and take showers and not trying to sound full of myself but I gets compliments (just never from my husband). I feel terrible and he makes me feel guilty for always being "in the mood". There have even been times when he doesn't respond to oral sex. Please help!

November 27, 2011 - 3:15pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am glad to find I am not alone. I have been with my husband for 8 years, since I was 18, married almost 2 years now. We had great sex in the beginning,he wanted to try diff. things etc. About 3-4 years ago it slowed down. Weeks went by without sex. Then he would not last long nor try to continue to please me after he was done. I tried to talk to him about it, but he didn't want to continue to please me when he was done. He felt bad that he didn't last long, but I said we could do other things and it was okay.
Eventually I got upset because he appeared not to want to please me. It seemed like he wanted to be satisfied and didn't care if I was. So this went on for a while and of course the sex decreased. There was a period in there where it got better. But recently, we went 4 months without sex and I broke. I actually left him for a few days, but returned.
He says he feels that he isn't good enough in bed. I try to build him up and tell him we can do other things and I don't mind, practice makes perfect. I try to be understanding, but he says he is nervous because in the past i have been upset when he hasn't satisfied me.
We grew apart and affection was little to none. I tried everything, of course making the cycle worse, because I tried to "Fix" it by dressing up, surprising him, and only to be rejected, which made me feel worse, which in turn made him feel worse.
So we have been in this cycle, then i just let go. And that's when we didn't have sex for 4 months. He was fine not talking about it or dealing with it. He doesn't want to go to counseling or anything else and doesn't want to acknowledge there is a problem. So I'm giving it maybe 6 months and continuing to feel the pain every time I am rejected. He says it will get betterand we will try. So we had amazing sex a few weeks ago, and now he is rejecting me again. I know I am only 26, young, and I can't take it, but I do love him and will work it out if it can be. But I also know I can't wait around for his self-esteem to get better. I have tried complimenting him, and all sorts of things to help his self-esteem. I have physically pleasedhim and expected nothing in return. I don't know what else I can do, but I feel as you all do... "2 inches tall". It's good to know we aren't alone.

October 23, 2011 - 7:51pm

Same situation here ladies, new marriage in a 2 year relationship where we had split twice before over this. His 3rd marriage, my 2nd. HIs firs wife cheated and his second wife 12 years younger. Sex is always great for a few months geting back together than stops, many excuses but cant control his wandering eye when we are out and has a pornography/masturbation issue, he is never too tired, etc for that though he works hard to hide it from me (now has it at work in his work van where I cant see it). He is otherwise a great guy though, great dad to his and my older kids as well as my 11 yr old. Before when this happened it destroyed me and my sense of worth, value and sexuality (I am very attractive). Before we got maried this June though I told him I could not promise monogamy to him if he falls back to old patterns. He said he understood, we'll see. Just dont want to choose to live without my best friend or be the "bad guy" with our kids and I do love everything else about him - hard to find these days actually. Thanks ladies for being so brave and speaking up for yourselves and for all of us going through this gut wrenching time. Its a challenge to be mentally present and care for children or others when our spirits are so low. Never doubt that you are very loving, sexy and desireable in every way. Make choices for the best interests of yourself and consider your children if you have them. When my affair happens, if he is hurt and leaves me, at least he will know that I did all I could to work with him first because I would have much preferred a healthy monogamous relationship with him. Dont take such a risk if your SO is prone to anger though. I have noticed so far that these types of men are not usually angry violent types but do be careful in your decisions and remember, as long as you have us "sisters" you are not alone in this.

October 21, 2011 - 12:24pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I wonder how many of these husbands are into porn? My marriage is going on 2 1/2 years w/o sex. So many men say that porn is just a natural male thing, but I wonder if for some, it crosses over into an addictive behavior that then makes it so a real woman cannot compete with the fantasy images.

June 16, 2011 - 8:46pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

oh my god, i am going trough the same thing... to be honest its pretty hard to live with a man that can be bothered to have sex but he goes on the porn sites, i really dont know what to do.... sometimes i fell like i need to find some1 else but i cant cheat nor dump him... helppppppppppppppppp

June 3, 2011 - 10:46pm
(reply to Anonymous)

mine is addicted to porn and doesnt want to have sex with me either, i cry all the time and have tried counseling didnt work, I feel suicidal all the time, I am glad to know that i am not alone though

July 25, 2013 - 9:15am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hello everyone,
I have been dealing with feeling really sad lately and really hurt almost lost the desire to live but I most go on. But he pain are very real . I feel unwanted and I don't know why, I have been married w/ my husband for about 15 years and for many years our sex life was perfect than I don't know what happen but the past 4 years all the passion is gone. I still love him and I still have lots desire for him, but he pushes me away each time I ask for his attention. I have try everything, I have fought, I have cry, I have been waiting without asking or try, I have pray, I have talk to him time and times again, but so far without success. I am so much in love with him and I am not ready to called quit. He can be a very good man at times, he is a perfect father to my children and he his very smart.Please help! Any advice or any knid word at this time will help me so much! Sorry about my writing but English is not my first language.

May 9, 2011 - 5:44am

Hello, I am almost 36 years old. My husband is almost 38. When we first met, I had just gotten out of a 12 year relationship. My ex took it upon himself to find someone else when I was 7 months pregnant. My little girl will be 4 in june, and my husband has been raising her like his own since she was about 2-3months. We are in the process of having him adopt her. Since we have been together, we have had another child. For about the past 2 and a half years, we have grown apart sexually. To the point of me wanting attention from my ex. A while back, about 2 years ago, I spent the night with my ex, but had no sex. I wanted to though, because I wasn't getting touched anymore from my husband. It now is going on six months without sex. He has a variety of excuses. He says he thinks his testosterone is low, but when I tell him to see a doctor, he finds excuses not to. Then he says he wants me to make the first move. When I tell him that after so many months of no touch, I am embarrassed to make the first move, which he calls infantile. Once he said I didn't deserve his touch. Another time he just expressed how evil I was. I wanted everyone to know I am not perfect. I did go to my ex for the emotional comfort. I know that was emotional cheating. I feel like a monster. I had to tell him though because I wanted him to have a choice of stay or go. About a month ago, now me and my best friend who is a girl played around a little. She is bisexual, and I was just so...ummm....in the mood. I have known her for years. The day we messed around(I did not do anything oral) my husband had told me to get the [email protected]#k out of the house. I was plain fed up. I did tell him a few days later. He was upset, but not upset like when I had the emotional affair with my ex. All of this started though when he stopped being intimate. I didn't do this stuff while we were happy. It just happened because I am lonely. He comes home from work at around 11p, (he gets out around 10:30p) takes his sleeping meds, go to his computer, does whatever he does, plays his guitart, then when the medication hits him he comes to bed and passes out. I dread his days off because we yell. He has pushed me on one occasion, and smacked my leg on one occasion. It has only happened those few times, and I have been in a physically abusive relationship before, and this definetly does not strike me as one, pun intended. I don't know what to do. My girls love him so much, and he loves them. He gets irrate when I mention divorce, then calls me a quitter and loser. He says I am dooming myself because my parents are divorced. Well, my grandparents on both sides of my family were not divorced, and I have seen happy marriages and have faith that I can have one too. Just because it may not be with him, does not mean it can not happen. BTW, he is divorced. He got a divorce after 6 months of marriage. Please someone help me, I know I am not perfect, and if anyone thinks I am trashy, that is okay too. I am just the intimate type, who feels sex is important. I know if I condition my lifestyle to abstinence, it will be for him, and i will forever harbour resentment towards him for that, which is not fair to either one of us.

May 2, 2011 - 5:59pm
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.

ASK

Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!