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Why Doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?

By May 19, 2009 - 9:46am
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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?

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Anonymous (reply to LibraLady)

Hi, LibraLady
I feel bad for you.. becoz was in the same situations, phone calls at late nights, glued to PC when I am in bed, constant arguments.... I investigated and was disappointed wiz him... till nw cannot forget those bad moments... I am living my life something like wizout him...
Cannot let anyone enter my life nw. me too looking for solutions BUT still waiting for him . LOVE him a lot.

June 6, 2012 - 12:33am
EmpowHER Guest

I have the same problem. I have been with my man for 12 years. We never got married, and we have an 8 year old and I had a child in my previous relationship. We have been through a lot. A lot of bumps that bring us to that point that we have almost given up. But the kids are important, and splitting a family would be much more strenuous than what we go through. We don't sleep in the same bed. We haven't for years. I decided way back I didn't think I could sleep with him, when he snores. I drift off and the next thing I know it wakes me up again.
We are not close anymore. I can't bring up problems with out him getting agitated and he yells at me. I have never cheated, because I want to do what is right. I think I don't love him anymore, but the last time we were about to break it off, my kids were worried and it was effecting them. So, for now I stay. I want out so bad! If we could reconnect, then I would feel like it is working. But this long, letting sex and communication slip, makes me feel like it is over. I am 32 and I don't want my life to be like this. =(

May 28, 2012 - 5:06pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have spent my whole day off work reading this, in between cleaning and a couple of calls from my gorgeous man who is intersate. I just cant beleive this blog has gone on so long and so many of you other women have endured the same.
Yes i searched and found this due to being in the same situation. Ironic i was married for 18 yrs and i was the one who didnt want sex, he always tried though. It broke up as he had an affair but by that time we had started having sex again prior to the affair.
Anyway here i am 6 yrs later another failed relationship in between.
Now after the last failed relationship were i figured that if i wasnt good enough to be intimate with then i was moving on (honestly i wasnt happy in that relationship, bit of a manipulating pig !), i am now very happy and extremely in love with my current guy of 1yr. But alas same problem, caught him after knocking me back one work morning to go downstairs with a mag and masturbate. Blew my self esteem, felt unloved, lied to, started wondering why am i here if he doesnt want me for that as well as all the other great stuff our relationship provides. He also wants to cuddle all the time. Now i know we get complacent as the relationship gets content. and i know men are visual creatures and need a release even when time is short before getting off to work in time, so the porn is forgiven somewhat, hell ive used it. Still hurts a bit mostly to be rejected. i love sex especially with him, first man to make me orgasm with intercourse, but i gotta wonder have i been too much of a pest by always wanting it more than he does or the fact i had toys (he didnt like them and actually hid it). Have i made him feel inadequate somehow. We are now having sex once a fortnight, which i would expect after a few years not one. We are with each other all the time except work time and i doubt he is cheating, no signs there, he has put on a few kg's so maybe body image. But i often tell him i love him any way he is. Women are not so visual. And when i get off on my own its his love making i think of for stimulation. I have never felt as compatible or so loved and respected as i do from him, and vice versa. But the fear that if he resorts back to masturbation instead of me will definitely not help in keeping that respect as you could imagine.
I am slim and look after myself and dress sexy and stylish and not provacative/slutty or give him any reason to not trust me. I would never cheat and am very happy. This he knows im sure, which makes me think maybe these men just get so secure that sex is no longer a priority but a release for stress occasionally. I do feel he gets his intmacy from our cuddles too. He is male and looks at beautiful women, if he didnt id worry. He is easy to talk to and i know he wants me to be happy but i have had one talk about it in the past when i caught him and twice is a nag in a mans mind. We are finacially secure and dont have too many stresses. We both work and share household duties (although i do majority as have more time), he is very giving in this area as well as the bedroom when he feels like sex its great. I have tried just satisfying him but know he prefers to see me get satisfied because thats what does it for him.

He is 46 so maybe hes labido has dwindled but why the porn ? or is that part of use it or lose it. We women will never understand you men. I know the important factors of whats important to men; who they are what they are worth and the cookie but he doesnt seem interested in cookie now he has the rest...maybe cus he knows he has it whenever he wants. i dont want to reject him though because i know that can make things worse.
This all leads me to think maybe it is me, maybe im looking at what i want all wrongly. Maybe i dont want sex that much either, maybe i just want to know he is attracted to me for my own security and maybe thats why he doesnt feel the need to hunt me for sex cus he already feels secure.
Just a thought.

May 15, 2012 - 3:28am
EmpowHER Guest

I am having a similar problem. I am 23 my partner is 26 we have been together for 2 1/2 years. At the beggining of our relationship we had sex all the time in the last year and a half he has stopped wanting to he says he doesn't know why, we do it probs once a month sometimes once every two months. It causes arguments some times, I have recently been made redundent so I am at home at alot now and we regularly lyin, every morning i try to turn him on but he just gets up and leaves me there horney as hell pulling my hair out. I have always had a really high sex drive and he used to too. This is the longest relationship either of us have had ( I had a 1 1/2 year relationship in my late teens and his longest is 3months) He is an out of work actor and I know his lack of jobs makes him feel awful about himself I do think he may have a mild form of depression and he lost alot of his family over the past 8years including his mother. We live together and have pretty much since the beggining of our relationship, I know he is not cheating and never would, I have no problem with porn infact i used to enjoy it very much as did he but he went off that ages ago. He used to masterbate between 1 and 2 times aday when we first met for about 2 months but as we were having sex alot he stopped. We are very close and get on very well, he goes out with his mates maybe once every couple of months and we have mutual friends that we see often. I am a pretty brunette, 5ft 5 size 12, my weight has gone up and down over the past few years and I know it is noy because of that because last summer i lost loads of weight and was a size 8 and nothing changed then. It really frustrates me I love him to bits he is wonderful in every other way, we do talk about it sometimes but he just says he doesn't know why he doesn't want it, he says it does upset him that it upsets me that we don't and like all the other girls comments I have read it affects my self esteem. He did once mention to me that when we first started going out I was very confident and that is what he found attractive about me, over the course of our relationship I have lost some of my confidents, maybe that has some thing to do with it, also he is not really into snogging, I think we have snogged twice in our whole relationship when we have been drunk ( he has told me it is because once he was snogging a girl and she bit his toungue and it broke the string bit that attatches it to the bottom of your mouth and it hurts when he snogs, and the other thing is he doesn't have any where as much feeling in his bell end and all the other men i have met as he had his banjo string snapped also!!!). I really don't want to split up with him as he is wonderful and love to make sure i am happy in every other way he is funny, loyal, genuine, tall, dark haired and hanson and gets on really well with my brother and my dad, I would never ever consider cheating on him as I know what it is like to be cheated on and we made a packt when we first got together to never do that. I just don't know what to do I need some help.

My advice to anyone considering cheating because they aren't getting any is DON'T do it, just split up with him because it is heart breaking finding out your partner has cheated (most of my ex's have) get a vibrator, yes it is not the same as having a warm sweaty body close to you but it is better than hurting him and it feels great too.

May 8, 2012 - 3:38pm
EmpowHER Guest

I've been with my bf for two years and he rejected me for the first time. Wtf. I did not like that and I am certainty not going to beg. it a all started last week when he did it but I just could not get wet. Now he thinks it's going to happen again. He likes going down on me but sometimes I don't like it. What should I do

May 1, 2012 - 1:07am

my boyfriend and i have been dating for about 2 years, when we first got together, he would send me sweet text, he would call me by a pet name, and he made me feel like i was the one for him and i felt like he was the man for me. now he wont even sleep in the same bed with me and he gets a bad attitude everytime i need to talk to him about a problem we might be having.... is it that he just doesnt want me anymore, thats how i feel, and it hurts my feelings all the time and i am considering leaving him

April 25, 2012 - 5:14pm
EmpowHER Guest

I can't even believe that so many women are going through this.
It's sad, but helped me understand the things I'm going through a little bit better.
My boyfriend also stopped making moves, and whenever I hinted I wanted to be closer to him, he withdrawed or belittled my effort which made me feel ridiculous and ashamed.
He used to want me so much.
I became afraid of trying, because of his rejection and I decided I'd wait for him to want me again. But he never does, ever. I ended up not taking how far we are from each other physically and talking to him about it, which always led him to please me but it felt like I forced him, and the time passing (in which nothing happened between us) till i ended up saying something again, got longer and longer. So last time I talked to him about it, I said I needed to tell him how I felt, and that he was not allowed to touch me that night, because I didn't want him to feel I was forcing him.
That night, I asked him how could he be without making love with me, when It was so hard for me not to be with him. He takes care of himself and keeps me out. It's not me, I'm sure. But something is going on with him.
Ever since, I never touched the subject again, because it doesn't make things change.
I would never search for affection with anyone else because it's his affection I want. He wouldnt cheat either.
I don't even know how long it's been since we last were intimate.
All I can do is treat myself to some porn when I'm needy and he will never know.
I'm still waiting for the day his libido comes back.

April 15, 2012 - 11:25pm
EmpowHER Guest

I need help im having the same problEm

April 6, 2012 - 12:58am
EmpowHER Guest

Ok, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. Our sex life has definitely dwindled and now I am always the one initiating it and he never seems interested. I know he watches porn, and lately he has been watching porn and masturbating more than we have had sex. I know this because I have checked the history on his computer. I hate myself every time I do this, but I feel so insecure with myself that I cannot help it. Why is he doing this? Every time I bring it up he says that its not me, hes not in the mood, and when we do have sex he never cums and he does not seem into it at all. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong, or how can I get him to tell me what is wrong? Thank you for your help.

March 13, 2012 - 7:43pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm the one who posted the long story above, I just wanted to let you know that we did have sex 2 weeks ago, twice, so we are still intimate, but every time I make an advance and he pushes me away and I converse with him about it, it's always the not attracted and I'm tired excuse. He knows it makes me feel unwanted but it just makes him cuddle me more often with sweet kisses. I guess I can settle for some compassion and heart, but still, this relationship is a bit stagnant......sorry, just wanted to add in case anyone was wondering when the last time we had sex was. :)

March 11, 2012 - 1:48pm
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