Improved
6112 HealthChanged
3786 LivesSaved
3568 Lives1 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More
We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?
All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.
Add a Comment1230 Comments
Hang in there. Get a natural high with exercise and do something special together.
December 13, 2009 - 9:27amThis Comment
hi so stp the drinkin en nd ur self esteem wil pick up soon.
November 11, 2009 - 11:27amThis Comment
hi! my boyfriend is 28 and we've been 2gether for 2 years and a half.At first he wanted to have sex all the time,but the last 10 months he doesn't even make an effort.When i am approaching him for sex he rejects me with excuses like "im tired(he works a lot),im sleepy etc.I started pushing him a lot and trying to make conversations about my dissatisfaction but he insists that he still loves me and wants me but this whole pressure makes him uncomfortable and also makes him want to avoid sex.I really don't know what to do.I tried everything!!! I am 21 and i need to have sex...This situation drives me crazy because it lowers my self esteem.I really love him and I really wanna be with him but sex is very important for me.I don't want to loose him because of sex- starvation...i;m too young to have to deal with that kind of issues...
April 24, 2010 - 6:16pmThis Comment
I feel ya! im 22 too, and my bf is 26. I have literally showed up in lingerie and a 6 pack of beer and he acted as if it was chore to have sex with me! I've brought it up a couple times now and it is REALLY wearing on my self esteem. We've been together for over 4 yrs now and I was contemplating marriage. This issue is changing my mind, he hasnt asked by now, so im not sure if its what he wants, and then im not sure if not having sex as often as i want is a big enough reason to throw these years away. He's brought up buying a house together and having children... though im pretty sure you have to have sex to have kids!!!... We live together so I know he's not cheating, we both go to work and come home, we spend every other minute together. But i DO NOT want to bring this issue up again, i dont think i should have to. Having sex once a month is not working out... help!
May 18, 2010 - 7:07pmThis Comment
I am gong through a similar issue. I am 31 and my boyfriend is 28. we have been together for 2 years now and lately I feel like I have to make a big deal out of sex in order for him to do it. I feel like something is wrong or something is going on. he should be in his prime. so why doesn't he want to have sex anymore. he says it's nothing. but why do I feel like it is. we use to do it all the time. we have been living together for about 8 months now and for the past 3 months, I feel like I'm begging for it. like he feels bad for me. I enjoy sex. he should too. it really upsets me because I don't know what's going on. I don't want to talk about it with my friends, b/c I'm embarrassed. it shouldn't be this way. you always read about how men have this sex drive. well where is it? in the past week I have found all this porn on the computer, would he really rather look at porn than the real thing?is he cheating? I try talking about it, but he gets mad. it's a turnoff when I get upset like this. well this is a serious thing. it's an issue. sex is important. its not everything but its a big part of a relationship.
May 9, 2010 - 5:41pmThis Comment
I'm a guy exactly as you have described your boyfriend to be and I've read a lot of the other posts, so I'm going to lay it out in laymen's terms.
Your boyfriend is bored of having sex with you. I love my girlfriend, I want to be with her and have kids with her, but unfortunately she cannot give me, and what most men, need - VARIETY. Do some anthropological research, and you'll soon find out that humans are generally not meant to be together for long periods of time. We're 1 of the 3% of mammals that bother to pair-bond, only because our offspring are completely useless when born.
Your boyfriend (imo) is not cheating on you, well certainly not by watching porn anyway. He watches porn to satisfy his cravings for variety of seeing different breasts, etc etc and women, so he is at least attempting to be faithful. Some couples get around this variety issue by dressing up, masks and role play, although, alas, these do nothing for me. Long term monogamous relationships are still something relatively new to the species as for the large part of after the origin of our species we were dying in our 20's. Evolution is very slow to catch up... Marriage as it is today is a judeo-christian concept and is not steeped in natural origins.
Generally this idea does not suit women, and thus they choose to ignore it, or cite the universal theory that he just hasn't met 'the one' yet, but you only have to look to the East to see that this concept is very western indeed.
A guy in a previous post mentioned that guys do not want to make love, but want to (edited for language) and in the whole this is true, although not for all men. So, being as honest and frank as I can be as a guy in your boyfriends situation, try - if you can - making yourself appear as sexually available as possible when you want sex. My girlfriend will gently stroke me or kiss me when she wants sex and it does absolutely nothing for me. If she was naked and placed my hand on her (edited for language) that would turn me on. If she just started fellating me before I realised what was happening that would turn me on. However, I realise that this is a completely selfish attitude, but it would get me interested in sex. If you're open minded, you could tell him stories about him, or even better you having sex with other women, although again I realise that this is a stretch for most women as they feel and desire that their man should want only them.
I hope things work out well for you, I just wanted to express a man's opinion honestly
May 26, 2010 - 7:10amThis Comment
"Do some anthropological research, and you'll soon find out that humans are generally not meant to be together for long periods of time"
I have done some "anthropological" research and I have found that humans do live together for long periods of time. What do you mean by "meant?" And by anthropology- you mean the study of humans and their behaviour, well it is human behaviour for humans to live together for long periods of time, since it clearly happens to humans. If it weren't, we wouldn't be humans. But it can also be human behaviour to live together for short periods of time. So your point is clearly moot. next.
"Long term monogamous relationships are still something relatively new to the species as for the large part of after the origin of our species we were dying in our 20's. Evolution is very slow to catch up... Marriage as it is today is a judeo-christian concept and is not steeped in natural origins."
Whoa-ho-ho-hoa! This is a whopper if I've ever seen one. How do you know if monogamy is "relatively new" to our species if no one was around to tell how our species lived earlier on? Monogamy as a family model is found in texts dating back to ancient Mesopotamia and ancient Egypt, which also happen to be the first civilizations to write history. Since we don't have any earlier history on monogamy, you can't claim that it is "Relatively new" to our species. And where do you have proof that it originated from our ancestors' low average age of death? This is clearly your own conclusion and you have not provided any evidence to back this up.
Evolution is very slow to catch up? What does this even mean? Somehow our minds, cultural and social values precede our evolutionary nature? By saying that you, are just contradicting your own claim about "anthropology." The last sentence is the real kicker. Firstly, what is "Marriage as it is today?" Secondly, it is not a "Judeo-Christian" Concept. If you read about marriages, different cultures have different kinds of marriages, and monogamous marriages precede "Judeo-Christian concepts". Originally marriage in Judaism was polygamous and not monogamous. And the Mormons practice polygamous marriages today. And even within other Christian sects, marriages are viewed quite differently. So the term "Judeo-Christian concept" is very weak, my friend. And "natural origins?" what does that even mean?! As opposed to "unnatural origins?" Nature is whatever our universe is. So everything that happens within it, marriage or no marriage is still "natural" by this definition. There is no criteria you can give me that not human-centered that defines "natural" and "unnatural." Read about "Naturalistic fallacy."
"Generally this idea does not suit women, and thus they choose to ignore it, or cite the universal theory that he just hasn't met 'the one' yet, but you only have to look to the East to see that this concept is very western indeed."
What is this I don't even. Do you even know what you're talking about here? It's laughable. I understand your notion of "west and east" but, I can't say that this "idea" you speak of either originates in the "west" or "east." And so, what about the east? Hmm? Do they tolerate cheating men or something?
Okay, the rest of your post is more opinion than asserting facts.
"I hope things work out well for you, I just wanted to express a man's opinion honestly"
Just change "man" to "ignorant man" and you will be more honest! If you're going to bring science into this, do it right. Supporting one side and disregarding the other won't do it for you. You can't just claim that "we are humans with subjective values" but at the same time say "some of these values are more wrong than others and are unnatural as a whole." You are not the OP's boyfriend and you do not know why he is behaving in a certain way for sure. At least you gave your two cents, but it doesn't help if you're saying false things! But thanks for trying, anyways.
March 12, 2011 - 2:56pmThis Comment
this is the answer. plus a weight issue can kill it. i'm here now in this situation
February 19, 2011 - 9:25amThis Comment
Thank you for your opinion. I think that this is exactly what is going on with my boyfriend. We have been together for 3 years and for the first 1 1/2 we were together he would not commit sexually because he needed "variety". However, I soon got fed up and he committed and has not cheated since, we live together and are always together so there would never be a time for him to cheat. I have no doubt he has not cheated. Anyway, in the beginning our sex life was still fine, but in the past few months it has gone drastically down hill. I asked him about it and he just says i dont know. I was wondering, since you seem to feel the same way as my bf, what do you do in your relationship? does your girlfriend get upset about it and do you talk to her about it? I'm not really sure how to approach this, as I have never dealt with someone not wanting to have sex with me before, usually i have the opposite problem. But it is definetly hurting my self esteem and I keep wondering what I did to make him not want me anymore. I think that this could only be answered from a mans opinion! Also, he seems to want to continue the relationship, i have given him several outs and he wants to be with me, which confuses me even more. More advice please!!
August 23, 2010 - 7:14pmThis Comment
RE: Anonymous May 26, 2010 - 7:10am
July 28, 2010 - 12:09pmGreat post, by the way. It makes sense.
For all we do wish it were different, humans are, at our core, primitive. The sexual drive is primitive as well. Mankind was meant to procreate with the strongest of the species, ie those who were in their prime.
This Comment