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Why Doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?

By May 19, 2009 - 9:46am
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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

my boyfriend also snuggles with me every night. I find this almost irritating because its almost like a tease. I want to be cuddled with but I also have very strong sexual urges. Having someone that I want to have sex with stroke me and then reject my sexual advances is very frustrating. All of you are so nice when you speak of your boyfriends or husbands. I just don't think it is fair. My boyfriend and I use to have sex everyday at least. Now we have not even been together for two years and he gets annoyed everytime I initiate sex. I will even go so far as to give him a hard on and he will still reject me. I'm not going to pretend that it does not make me angry, and I think I have a right to be. Anyone have any suggestions?

October 6, 2009 - 2:39am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I'm in the same boat you are! It does make me angry, he gets aggravated if I so much as brush my hand across his pants. Its causing me to become jealous and self conscious and I've tried to talk to him about it and he just says its not me! I don't get it! I'll try to initiate sex and then he just tells me he wants to "lay" with me. He even gets annoyed if I kiss on him too much.

November 2, 2009 - 11:09pm
(reply to Anonymous)


This is so hard to deal with, I know. And feelings of jealousy and self-consciousness are uncomfortable at best and, at worst, can be incredibly damaging and hurtful to a relationship.

How long have you been together, Anon? And how long has he been this way? Was it different in the beginning? Do you think that there is a medical problem on his part that causes him to not get sexually excited? Do you know whether your boyfriend uses internet porn? Are you concerned that there may be a relationship with someone else in the picture?

November 4, 2009 - 8:55am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I am experiencing the same rejection, my boyfriend and I became engaged a year ago. I am scared to death that he is seeking to satisfy his needs elsewhere. However, he will deny it as though I'm crazy. I am at my wits end. I am an attractive 33 year old woman that is begining to rethink marriage. He denies any "extra-curricular" invlovements when I inquire, but gives no other reason for his lack of interest. I am tired of crying and feeling undesirable. If you would like to speak further respond. I would be glad to provide support as I could use some.

October 31, 2009 - 2:58am
(reply to Anonymous)


I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. And I'm sorry to hear that you are reconsidering your engagement, but I think that's smart. If this is your boyfriend's behavior before you are married, you can be sure it will continue after a marriage, and may even escalate. If you suspect extracurricular activity, I think you have to trust your intuition.

This sentence: "I am tired of crying and feeling undesirable" -- gives me a world of information. Yes, you are an attractive 33-year-old woman who does not need someone who makes you feel this way and who doesn't care if you do.

I know it's hard to throw in the towel; I am sure there are many things you do love about him. Would your boyfriend consider couples counseling before marriage?

November 4, 2009 - 8:52am
(reply to Anonymous)

mine is also very disinterested....every time i try to touch him intimately, he says it tickles and squirms away, which i attribute to your guy's backache and/or headache. my guy is also very stressed at work; he never knows if he'll be called in for some ridiculous thing...and it's way worse than that, believe me. he tells me he loves me as many times as yours, and he snuggles every night as well. but i know he isn't getting anything anywhere else. he's my best friend, and there's not many people I've ever been closer with. he may not be as sexually aggressive as he was when we first got together, but he's still affectionate and loving, and i trust him.

September 30, 2009 - 1:01am

Miss Kitty,

First of all, I'm so glad you found EmpowHer. Thanks for your question.

If I could talk to your boyfriend, some of the first things I'd ask about are whether he's changed anything in the last few months.

-- Any specific changes in diet and/or nutrition?

-- Any changes (less or more) in the amount of exercise he's getting?

-- Any new medications he's taking, or vitamins or supplements?

-- Anything happening at work or school that is worrying him? I know you said that you don't think there's anything specific on his mind, but if this is a really busy time for him -- and if he's both working and attending school -- it might be a factor.

The hormone testosterone has everything to do with a man's sex drive, just like our hormones have so much to do with our own sex drive. Hormones fluctuate in both men and woman. And while it's normal to have much more sex at the beginning of a relationship than later, it does seem like a fairly drastic change in the last few months.

Has anything changed in the dynamic of your relationship? Meaning, is one of you more serious about the relationship than the other? Or someone's living arrangement has changed? Or someone's schedule has changed? Is he still sleeping well at night?

So often, what we think is medical or psychological has an actual base in our diet, our nutrition, our sleep, our work, our play, and our level of exercise. The first thing I'd ask is if any of those changed significantly recently.

Here's a question I hate to ask, but I will: Are you very sure that he still feels the same way about the relationship that he used to?

And about how old is he?

Please see if you can get back to us with some answers to these questions and we'll see if we can find anything that might help.

May 19, 2009 - 10:07am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Diane Porter)

First off for one I found over half these comments of no help Look I live with my man I know where he is. So I know he isn't cheating, everything is all pretty usual as far as home life and work life he doesn't ta ke any meds and he has always been a little out there when it comes to sex the first year we couldn't keep our hands off of each other but for the past 3 and a half after it seems I have to bag and plead with him or we have sex because he knows we haven't had sex in a while I have tried to spark things up but it only works a little bit. If he doesn't want sexy he just won't be saduced we barly kiss now adays but the cuddling has only increased I'm at my witsend I've tried everything but he just won't get turned on unless he wants to and that's very rare .

July 8, 2012 - 11:33am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Diane Porter)

He eats all night,he's 48 yrs old,everything has to be his way, he listed his father in march...he was acting weird before his fathers health, but he go worst. Every time I would mention sex or ask any question he would lash out at me. He never did that with anyone else....I packed my clothes an left...... He wouldn't talk about our problem, I feel like he just used me to take care of his dad and I believe he may have met someone better.

May 1, 2012 - 4:55am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Diane Porter)

I have the same thing going on right now. Ive been living with my boyfriend for over 6months and been with him for about a year. We used to have sex alot,like 1-3xs a day, now its down to 1x a week.Ive tried everything to get him interested like dressing sexy,cooking for him, coming on to him,you name it.Just now I tried to come onto him and he pushed me out of the way becasue he couldnt see the tv.I cant tell you enough how much this hurts me.Im in very good shape and when we go out other guys look at me so I dont think thats the issue. He says he loves me and does spend most his free time with me however,he seems to get angry when I ask him why we dont have as much sex anymore. Ive tried to talk to him about it and he gets defensive. I feel horrible and Im so confused at why this is happening. Its really trashing my self esteem. He says hes tired or he feels sick, or hes stressed about work, or his back hurts, or leg hurts, or you name it he has every excuse in the book why we cant have sex.I know he thinks the sex is good so i dont even think thats the issue. please help me sort this out. I do love him however I dont think i can deal with this much longer and its making me feel really bad about myself.If it doesnt get sorted out im afraid I will have to leave him.

October 16, 2011 - 11:21pm
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