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Why Doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?

By May 19, 2009 - 9:46am
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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Listen girls i am going threw the same thing with my man,we have been together for seven months now, he tells me baby it's not you it's the job. We use to have sex all of the time now i have to all most just cry for it just for him to have sex with me, I don't like pity sex so when he trys to have sex with me i don't want it. I think he is cheating but i do not want to just think this and i am wrong, all i know i am not happy anymore i love him with all my heart, but i want to be happy again what should i do. I love him and i want to stay with him but if he does not change then i know i need to move on it's just so hard to do when you love someone.

August 28, 2009 - 10:50pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

or maybe he really is a cheater!!!!! But I do not think it is with a man if my boy friend an I stop having sex like we would when we first got together , an we have only been together for a year not to hurt you but I think there's some thing else taking his time from you. right is now is when there should be the most sex going on between you an your lover so if I was you I really would check in to him being with some one else you have been together for a little while already so, you should beabled to talk about thing,s like that an ha should have no problem answering the question. There should not be any thing to hide?????? And if he gets mad I would start to worrie not to be mean but it is life

June 10, 2009 - 7:03am
EmpowHER Guest

this is my situation as well. after 10 months, no sex-handholding-snuggling-ect. we are both healthy, 30 yr old professionals with a great life. or so you would think from the outside. but he could go months now without sex when before he used to want it 10x a day. it really is affecting my self esteem, which is affecting my everyday life. no meds. no diet changes. we did move in together and thats when it went downhill. but he's not cheating. when confronted about the relationship, he swears he wants this. i am independent and we live in my house, ect so its not like he HAS to be here...i'm just at wit's end.

May 21, 2009 - 9:04pm

nothing diffrent in his diet, and we dont really excersize we just bring the dogs for walks. No medication what so ever. He says he's sleeping well at night and i'm pretty sure he's not interested in anyone else. as we have a very open relationship and he would tell me because he knows that overall i want him to be happy as he feels twoards me as well. and no i've realized a while back that it's not my fault. He says he's tired from work sometimes but even on his days off he doesn't feel up to it. and i wouldn't guilt trip him over sex, it's not worth the argument. i have talked to him about it and he doesn't really know what it is either. And i do want to know what he wants but it feels like it's been so long that i feel weird initiating it now, like im usually payful and touchy but since it's been 2 months i just don't really feel like getting the " awwh babe not tonight" again. i don't get mad, but it frustrates me because i know it's not me but i can't help but think for a second that he's not interested in me sexually anymore and i've asked him about that but he says that he still finds me attractive. so it's kind of a confusing situation. He's not uncomfortable talking to me abotu sex, we used to talk about it all the time. (by used to i mean when we were still having sex.) It's been 2 months and he knows that i want to and it's causing problems now becase deep down inside he's worried im going to cheat on him because it's been that long. and i obviously wouldn't do that to him i would never hurt him. and i would never miss sex enough to cheat on him. i love him to peices and i know how it feels to be cheated on. im not even capable of it. i was a virgin when i first got with him because i was waiting for the right guy to come along and im convinced it's him. and even if i don't end up finding a reason and a solution for this it's not worth throwing our relationship away.and i think it might just be a phase, because w were having sex so often before that maybe he just wants to take a break from it. But i'm still hoping someone can lead me through this step by step so i can get some help on figuring out whats going on. Any ideas on maybe how to get it going now? and im goign to discuss it againg with him tonight, im going over to help him paint one of the rooms in his house so it's a perfect time to talk about it. i'll let you girls know how it goes and any new information that might be helpful for this, and also helpful to all the other women who are going through the same because i know how frustrating it can be because it becomes more than just sex after a while and starts to cause other problems.

Thank you Diane and Alison! I Appreciate the help.

May 20, 2009 - 10:08am

Hi Miss Kitty,

Diane mentioned some great thoughts and questions. My first thought when I read your post: is your boyfriend satisfied with having sex once/month? He might be, and that is perfectly OK for him to be. I would give him the "space" to let you know what his ideal quantity is ("space" meaning- no guilt trips or anything; you really want to know what he wants). It may take a few open communication "sessions" to learn about what makes him happy in the sexual-aspect of the relationship. Does he like having sex less than once/month, or is his ideal once/week...or something in between?

If his "ideal" is more than what is currently happening, my next question would be: what's getting in the way?

(for example: is it different bedtimes, work schedules? Is he irritated by something? Is he scared to initiate? Does he want you to initiate?) There could be a million different scenarios, so I would just use this time to get to know him in the verbal sense; what does he think about sex and intimacy? I don't think you can really move on in the relationship, and ultimately reach your "ideals", until you know what he's thinking and wanting. Can you hold on for a few months, until you two can really open up and share your philosophies, fears, wishes, etc. about the intimacy?

The next thing to consider: quantity vs. quality. He may not care about "how often" (like the stereotypical man, but not all men want sex "all the time" like they do in the movies...really!!). He may care more about the quality...and how he defines that is something for you to both discuss.

My "red flag" would be if he is not intimate with you AND he won't talk with you about it. He needs to at least be able to tell you he's uncomfortable talking about sex, but that he will try. Give him time; it won't happen overnight (it's really difficult to talk about sex; most of us grew up being told it was bad to talk about it, so he may not have the skills or words).

I think after all of this, if the relationship is still going strong, he can trust you with his inner most fears about sex, as well as the pleasures of it, then you can begin talking about what your ideal sexual relationship is.

Good luck! Let us know how the conversations go, if you could... it would really help a lot of women who are going through this same exact thing! (I did!!)

oh--and I hope you do not continue thinking this is "about you"; this is clearly something he has changed in his behavior, and I hope he can acknowledge it, own it, and discuss it with you.

My last thought: there is always the possibility of him being attracted to another person, which is difficult to even acknowledge. Just wanted to state the obvious, and make sure it is not overlooked.

May 19, 2009 - 1:30pm
(reply to Alison Beaver)

Wow your advice was very helpful and super constructive on how to have a conversation about it. It sure hit me hard to read your last paragraph though. It's good to not be nieve to these possibilities, but sure hard to consider. Well I'll give this a try and see hownit goes. I'm hopeful.

September 13, 2010 - 1:08am
(reply to Alison Beaver)


September 6, 2009 - 9:01am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

I think you're right on the money... I have been with my partner for almost two years and at first it was often and as soon as we moved in together it changed to about once a week. we've talked about it and he just prefers to have it about once a week or so. He's a very emotional guy and his anxiety and stress gets in the way of his wanting to be intimate. i think thats a pretty normal reason not to want to have alot of sex.

about the attraction to others... i think that as human beings, no matter the gender, we are invariably going to be attracted to other people. if your partner likes someone else, dont take it personally. that doesnt mean he is less into you or that there is something wrong with you. i believe people do things for themselves. because they feel the need at the moment, and, just to be realistic... we cannot fulfill every desire our partner, or anyone for that matter, has. Now I'm not saying that you should tolerate cheating. If that's not something you are willing to deal with, by all means, DON'T! But if you are in a relationship where you are together because you want to and its a good relationship, maybe those types of situations can be worked through in a way that could be beneficial (in emotional growth) to both parties.

August 27, 2009 - 5:39pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I hope you're right. My boyfriend is disinterested in sex, and he blames it on a backache or a headache...which he claims to have every day, all day. Might be stress (we're going to have a baby in March, and things aren't going well with his job), but I know what they say about if he's not getting it from me he's getting it somewhere else. I hope this isn't true. He snuggles with me every night, tells me he loves me a dozen times a day, and insists it's not me, but I just feel like something's not right here.

September 2, 2009 - 5:16pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

he may be stressed.

September 19, 2010 - 1:22am
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