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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?
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Hi,
Do you feel that this is a healthy relationship, in other ways? From your comments, you said that he has a medical condition (high blood pressure), and the medication has changed his libido. There are many things that he can do for this.
What he has chosen to do, instead, is to call you names (perverted?!) and making empty promises (to call the doctor). I do not understand why a person in an intimate, sexual relationship would call someone else perverted (a very harsh word) if you are initiating a tame sex-act. This sounds emotionally harmful to me.
How do you know, for a fact, that he masturbates daily? This could be for many reasons, and really not be about you--he may be worried about his low libido, and doing this for tension-relief, for "practice" or for reassurance. I would take this out of the equation for now.
What to do? Stop asking him when he's going to call the doctor. He is old enough to know that help is just a phone call away. I would also take away any guilt-producing thoughts and words you have: "lack of sex is killing my esteem". You are the only one that can "allow your self-esteem to be taken away", so please stop using this as a manipulation tool for him to get help...it will push him further away and is not the foundation for open, honest communication.
It has only been 6 months that you have even been dating, and I'm wondering how long he has been on this medication (and diagnosed with HBP)?
Have you asked him how you can help? Have you really talked and listened to him about what the mediation is doing, how he feels about it? What are his thoughts, fears and emotions about his diagnosis?
Lastly, since you are both in your 30s and 40s, I assume you have the maturity to see other people and not be "stuck" in a new relationship that is unsatisfying and possibly emotionally unhealthy.
I hope this isn't too harsh; I may have read too much into your question?
June 14, 2009 - 7:17pmThis Comment
Hi Alison: Thanks for the response. Other than the sexual stuff, I thought it was a very healthy relationship- great talks, same likes and dislikes, on the phone constantly and were together from Fri-Mon every wknd. I was completely happy in every other way.
I've never told him he was killing my esteem and I wouldn't know how to manipulate him if I could. I initially told him I felt unwanted whereupon he said he'd call the doctor. I waited it out, he never made the call. Then the excuses started, he was tired, he was stressed over work, etc. He made no effort whatsoever. I know he masturbates daily not only b/c he tells me, but because I found lubricating gel (that we never used) under his coffee table adjacent to the porn movies and girly mags. He started the medicine about a month or so after we started dating. I have talked to him in a nice way about it and said the most important thing is for you to be healthy, etc. But come on! One phone call to the md and it could have been solved months ago if he wanted to. I honestly was willing to wait it out till the appt. next month and then we broke up one day after I posted the original message. I found out he has been corresponding with an ex girlfriend from 13 years who lives across the country telling her he misses her and what they had, etc. and when I confronted him he didn't deny it. I truly believe it's easier for him to masturbate while on Facebook with this girl who is married with 3 children, than it is to be with me. No pressure, no one to answer to.
You are very perceptive to pick up on the emotionally harmful words. His most recent comment was that he was sorry if he didn't "stuff" me enough. He called me perverted about the gel then an hour or so later he's on porn websites showing me some of the outrageous sex acts.
I guess I've pretty much answered my own question. It's just a really hard thing to understand why he preferred his hand over me?
June 18, 2009 - 4:30pmThis Comment
Litte update for all of yous. i thought my boyfriend was stressed out turns out he might be diabetic, which can cause a mans sex drive to become excessively low. i am currently also getting tested for diabetes tomorow because i have allot of the symptoms as well and it was only when i was reading up on te sypmtoms i had when i came accross diabetes, and i realised that he had allmost all of the symptom as well. he is getting tested soon aswell. look up the symptoms of diaetes and see if your bf's qualify. you can get diabetes at any age.
June 7, 2009 - 10:52amThis Comment
Miss_kitty, I'm glad you and your partner are taking care of the physical side that's possibly contributing to the problem. Diabetes, low hormone levels, medication side effects, stress in itself, have all been culprits to a low sex drive. Sex is a VERY complex thing in itself. But it could also be just as simple.
July 12, 2009 - 10:23amBy complex, I mean a lot of things can influence it...psychological- one's past history/experience/abuse, the relationship's issues...physical- one's stress level and physical condition/medical issues...it can be cyclical- sex drive waxes and wanes like the moon. We can really dissect it and see how intricate it really is. On the other end of the spectrum, we can just throw in the towel, and say, hey...forget all these crap. Le'ts just DO IT. Like the Nike slogan.
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Miss-kitty,
Thanks for the update. Wow---diabetes? Do you mind telling us which test you and he are scheduled for? (Is it a routine blood glucose, or is it a fasting glucose test)?
Let us know the results: I have diabetes in my family, pre-diabetes in my family, and had gestational diabetes myself. We have information and resources that we can share with you, and are here if you have any health or medical questions.
(p.s. I would start a new thread with a separate ASK question...it would be confusing to have "diabetes" and "no sex" in the same discussion...LOL).
Take care.
June 7, 2009 - 2:09pmThis Comment
SOMETIMES RIVER RUNS DRY AND TREES CHANGE LEAVES OR SNAKE CHANGE SKIN JUST TO GET BETTER ONLY HIM IF NOT HYPOCRITE KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON, I AM ALSO LIKE THAT WITH MY WIFE AND I DEEPLY KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. SHE THINK I DON'T LOVE HER ANYMORE BUT I DO LOVE HER NOTHING HAS CHANGE EXCEPT LESS OR NO MORE SEX. I KNOW THE SOLUTION TO THAT PROBLEM AND HE KNOWS IT TO- EXCUSED MY ENGLISH- JUST BE TRUE AND REAL TO ONE ANOTHER
June 5, 2009 - 12:00pmThis Comment
Hmmm
I sit at my desk and am SO glad that other people are in a similar position to me. (I knew that it couldnt just be me on my own who was going through it so google search it was and here i am)
My situation:
Ive been with my partner for just over two years, the first year of our relationship was spent seeing eachother once a week or on the weekends every two weeks as I was at university, it was heartbreaking to go without seing him for what seemed forever(especially in the honeymoon period where u normally see them all the time)...but we made it through and now live bk at home together.
Hes never been the type to openly talk about sex, or if anything related is on Tv he cringes(but Ive seen messages he has sent to his mates on fb etc and it's all male bravado about"her melons" or.. general sexual inuendo which he never was the sort to say around me or when we first met)
Maybe its just a male front he puts on with his male friends, and he has got a flirty nature around women, and older women at his work clearly swoon at him ! but I know thers no thret there.
Its just really getting to me, I love sex,i could do it day in day out, so i feel like im the guy and hes the girl! I asked him if it was me, and he said the usual NO, but anymore questions than that and he gets irritated and angry etc.
I tell him that having sex with him makes me happy, and surly he likes me when im happy so he shuld do it more often! And that its what makes a relationship a relationship/loving etc not just basically friends who have a laugh and live together. He seemd to grasp that fact and then we will have a bout of sex for the weekend or something...but it just dries up again.
Now its been ten days(when I dressed up when he got home) and since then...nothing.
To be fair, he has been made redundant recently at his job, but has had many interviews and infact today he had one that he was positive about, so this may be depressing him.. and we will have to move out of the flat in July too.
BUT.. I also have lost my job, and have to leave in two weeks.. but I STILL WANT sex! if anything more so because I seek his comfort in times of sadness, I seek closeness...he just feels like a guy i live with who isnt that bothered anymore, which makes ME less bothered about making effort for fear of hearing the rejection.
hohum....what to do.
June 3, 2009 - 3:35amAdvice me up.
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I have no advice! I am reading for a bit of it myself. My husband and I have been together for almost 5 and a half years, married nearly 2. He had been engaged before and it was a very ugly thing, he had gotten over that and had told me that he didn't want to give me a ring because that would cut our sex in half... Guess what it did, HE stopped wanting to have sex with me as often... I could deal with a couple times a week. Then he had joked about sex halving again when we were going to be married... that too happened, usually once every 1 to 2 weeks! Again HIM, he was constantly tired and stressed out, I tried talking to him, he would yell and say "I will try" and nothing would change other than maybe we would have sex that night or the next. Now he tells me that it is because he is not feeling masculine after losing his job and he is stressed about how the bills are going to get paid... WHICH is BS because he doesn't pay them, I do, and he can go and spend whatever he wants on anything he wants!!! Now we are down to once every month, 2 -3 weeks if I am lucky! I feel like I am missing out on A LOT he got to be a reckless teen and got to run around and drink and party in his 20s... he is now 32 and I am 24 and I am not even getting sex once a week with my freakin' husband! I sorta feel like it was a huge false advertisement. I have been getting more and more depressed over it all.
June 24, 2009 - 1:19pmThis Comment
The biggest problem is that none of us has had enough time to sort out our relationship issues - I mean some people spend a lifetime trying to figure it out and then they're too old to do something about it.
Therefore I shall supply all the time we need to work it out.
If I Were God I'd put myself on trial and this is what I'd say:
I stand on the podium in the atrium of opprobrium in the highest court of Man,
June 2, 2009 - 9:36pmI am charged with neglect and affect and effect and not doing the best that I can,
For my children less fair live in fear and despair at the hands of my chosen few,
These men with more guns and unlimited funds even have more food to chew!
Well, I'm sorry my sons about the men with more guns, but steel is always tempered in fire,
But I'm not just your sire, from a maiden and squire, I'm the fire and sire in desire,
The passion I feel, with magnificent zeal, can be heard in a fair maiden's squeal,
But a princess as fair, can also be rare, even found dead behind a lover's wheel,
To all my fair daughters, with poorly treated quarters, I'm sorry for all of your pain,
But just like our sons, and their plentiful guns, there is nothing without pain you may gain,
As mothers of the earth, and the children you birth, you are valued as all are to me,
Now you know your true worth, be proud of your girth, when pregnant for sundry to see.
This Comment
Dear Ms. Kitty~
I am in a simialar situation. And I like you have a very open relationship with my boyfriend, we have been together a little over a year and just like all relationships when we first got together we where having sex all the time. Now not so much. I cant say that it has been over a month at a time but up to a month at times.
So we got to talking and at that time i worked from home (which i still do) and he was on a lay off. We were spending alot of time together and neither of us were really going and doing anything with out the other. We decided that we would start taking "personal" time. Even if it was just going and running to the store and doing our house hold shopping with out the other or guys night out and girls night out. This gave us more to talk about and keep eachother interested in conversations and it made us miss eachother and see what we have to come home to.
Since we made this small change things have improved drastically. Now i am not saying that things are perfect or anything we are after all a normal couple. But it has made a huge impact.
I guess basically what i am saying is that it may be possible that even he does not realize that he is kind of smoothered in the relationship. Try maybe staying home for a few breaks, going out with your girlfriends every once in a while or just simply going and taking care of your personal things and let him have some time on the couch with the tv so he has some alone time. Giving him time to miss you and to see what he has could make all the difference in the world.
I am glad that the talk you had went well. And i wish you the best in your relationship.
~tine
June 2, 2009 - 5:06pmThis Comment