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Why Doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?

By May 19, 2009 - 9:46am
 
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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have a very similar issue I have been with the same guy since I was 14 years I moved away for a year and came back and we got back together (by the way im 18 now) I guess I should start from the begining since its 1 of the reasons I am having doubt about him we started messing around in the 9th grade problem was he had a girlfriend that cheated on him so he just kinda used me for pay back and I took the opportunity becuz I was fallin in love with him well after a few months of creeping he finally told her and he broke up I remember it like it was yesterday he ran out of my house to tell her he had been cheating and when he came back he looked happy almost relieved so I thought now we can finally be together I didn't jump on the subject rite at that minute I gave it a few days and then I asked him so we can be together now and (this is the part that gives me doubts) he looks me straight in the eye and says I will never go out with u but a few weeks later he asked me out after 2 years sophomore year in high school I moved away and I returned after a year and a half to hear many different stories one of which being that he asked his/my best friend out 4 times and she seems to bring it up every chance she gets the worst thing about high school sweethearts is all our friends are mutual. Now him and i live together and she is always over our house she stays for days at a time without even going home to shower and change I feel like they had a sexual relationship every time she is around(even though they both deny this) becuz his vibes just change and he no longer is sexually interested in me even when I offer to give him a bj he declines and says he is tired or he has a headache (isn't that supposed to be the womens excuse) he rejects me for about 2 days after she leaves the house then he will get horny and initiate sex but as soon as she comes over for another weekend its the same cycle I love him and I plan to marry him in the fall I just don't understand what he is thinking its very frustrating please help

June 28, 2009 - 2:06am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Sometimes we have to look at what is staring us in the face, at times we are to hard headed to see things that may hurt us. Some say its the age thing and in many cases that's a true statement, but in realty is how you allow others to treat you regardless of the age your in. In your situation i would do one of two things its either the guy or the girl or both would be out of my life, If you love this guy so much to lose yourself and your self worth then you will stay with him till your self worth is next to zero and eventually the brutal realty of waisted time.

With the patterns you described shows the path to take but sometimes not so obvious when your the one in the situation that outsiders can see clear as a day. If i was your friend i would tell you to go with your instinct trust in yourself, that what your gut is telling you is true about your friend and your boyfriend doing things behind your back. Now you have to decide if its something you want to be part of or not. When you decide that then decision will be made just takes alot of strength in doing.

However if your finding it hard to let him go and that's what it sounds like and want to give your relationship another try, I would end my friendship with my girlfriend as he should do same, if he is truly committed to you he will have no issues with making that happen, because he would want to put your mind at ease and understand what your going though, besides a true friend would never betray you like she has If he is cool with that decision maybe you could find it in your heart to try rebuilding your relationship with him if he is willing to do same. If not and he protests even after you explain to him reasons DUMP him he is not worth your time. Now i understand you have no proof and if your gut feeling is not enough you may be in need of physical proof invest into some cameras catch the acts get investigator involved i know that its extreme but i would rather know now then torture myself for months or years to come be the proactive one then you can decide what you need in your life to be happy and make informative decision. Good luck.

August 29, 2009 - 11:48am
(reply to Anonymous)

I am so glad I never dated in high school. The reason is that you are still trying to figure out who you are as a person. Dating and being in "love" is so emotional and at that age you are already just a bunch of emotions, period. What I'm saying is it makes it doubly intense. I feel for people who are young and are already dating and dealing with the intricacies of a relationship, when what they should be focusing on are their studies. I grew up from an old school of thought, and now I really appreciated my parents when they told me to put off dating (acuatlly, they prohibited dating) while in school. I didn't even date in college. I guess I was just naturally a nerd, and thank goodness for that because I am such a sensitive person..It would have been hell to mix school and dating/guys. Also a relationship is complex enough, and when you put other people (i.e., girls) in the mix, jealousies then that is just too much. It's really something you do not need, if you want to be in a healthy relationship. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and you don't want to be on shaky ground.

July 12, 2009 - 10:04am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Dear Diane,

Thank you very much indeed for your answer, it helped me a lot. Now I have a new point of view and that's very important for me. You know, sometimes it's very hard to believe pleasant things when one is hurt... I pray and wish every day for it to be as you say... It would really set me free...AT LAST!!! You know, it is not just sex I need...but it's the frustration of "to be wanted feeling". But you certainly know what I am talking about.

The appointment is, of course, for both of us. I don't think it would be any useful for just me or him. I must confess that I had to persuade him a bit to go with me. But it seems it's because he's not very open to strangers. I hope he can make it....

All the best to you, your nice website and all the readers. I will update you after the therapy.

Ida

June 26, 2009 - 11:41am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hello,

I have a quite similar problem as miss kitty. But much moooore complicated. I have been going out with my boyfriend for 5 years, I was just 18 an he was 21 when we started going out with each other. After about three years from the beginning of our relationship I started to feel less loved and felt less care from him. He was quite nervous and lied to me many times. Our sexual life also became worse. Now I know it was my fault because I just wanted to be with him all the time and he felt too "tied up". But I did something very foolish, something that I will regret till the end of my life. I cheated on him... He found it out and split up for a week. Then he came back to me, because I apologized and promised not to do it again, but he told me it would never be as before. At that time, he was acting really badly to me, was calling me a bitch and was doing all the worst things that you can imagine to destroy my psychic. But I was decided to endure still remembering what I did to him. To be brief, then we split up 2 more times in past two years and at that time he was dating 2 girls for about a month. We are back together now (I've never had any problems with forgiving him), but it hurt sooo much watching them walking around together in our small town.... Moreover, our present sexual life is very poor (about once a month) and, as my self confidence was seriously hurt, it's becoming really frustraiting to me.... My boyfriend maintains that it is still because I hurt him so much (two years ago!) and he also says that he finds me attractive, but.....etc....but I also know that he masturbates watching porn.....and then it hurts even more. In other ways, our relationship is unbelievably restored, he is being very nice to me as he used to when we started going out with each other.... everything is just fine except one thing......

I have made an arrangement at the local therapist, do you think it will be any help???

What shall I do??? Do you think he is true to me??? Could he still be hurt after such a long time??? I must say that the most wonderful sex in the past two years we had, when he was dating the other girl.... What does it mean???

Dear Miss kitty, what about your present sexual life???

Thank you for any ideas.....I hope I didnt scare you with my unbelievable story.....:D

Ida

June 18, 2009 - 3:04pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Ida, I just want to say that making an appointment with your therapist is probably the smartest thing you could ever do. What you need here is an objective third voice, one that is not yours and not your boyfriend's. Will the two of you go to the counselor together, or is the appointment just for you? Either way, I can't think of anything better for you to have done.

Your relationship is going to need some overhaul if each of you is going to feel comfortable and trusting again. He got hurt when you cheated; you got hurt when he had other girlfriends, or when he masturbates to porn. While you say that everything else is fine, I wonder if you really feel that's true. It may seem fine on the outside, but it may seem kind of hollow to you if the core of the relationship is still troubled.

Two years ago may seem like a long time, but it's not that long when someone cheated on you. There's no time frame for how long it takes someone to heal from that. (And I purposely did not say "for someone to get over it," because I don't think you ever truly get over it, but maybe you can heal it and move forward.) It might take another two years. It might take five years. The basic trust was broken, and there's something very real in your boyfriend's voice when he told you that it might never be the same.

He has wounded self-confidence. You have wounded self-confidence. But what you need to move on may not be what he needs. You may need closeness, and he may need distance. Men and women can be quite a bit different in that way. And no one can force another person to be close when they aren't feeling it.

Go to the therapist, and be brutally honest, with the therapist and with yourself. It just might be the first step back to everything you want. And please feel free to come back and update us here.

June 26, 2009 - 8:38am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My second husband and I had a great sex life until we had been married six months, at which point, I began to realize that he never really touched me unless he wanted sex. It might sound strange, but some of you might be experiencing with your boyfriends, husbands, and significant others what he and I went through. There are some males who do not like to feel like they are sexual objects and untouchable unless they are up to the challenge. I did, and it is a real turn off.

June 16, 2009 - 1:54pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

when one shares a part of mortal life with another, any kinship is precious. those who toil daily for their existence, as brief as it seems, and those who fight for a cause or belief at the risk of their lives, are blessed, as are the lowest of the low - all creatures great and small.
your lover will soon find renewed interest and many new arenas of erotic joy await you both. the day approacheth when all indiscretions are forgiven and immortality will be yours, total fulfilment will be attained...

June 15, 2009 - 7:09am

Miss Kitty,
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this with your boyfriend at the moment but I'm very glad that you are both searching for an answer. Diabetes can be tough on a person; my mother is diabetic. I completely agree that the one comment made by a man portrays all men as being the same. I could not disagree with him more. Just because a couple is having less than perfect sex doesn't mean that there is someone else. Last year, my libido was shot. I had no desire whatsoever to have sex or even be touched by my husband. I found out a couple of weeks later that I was pregnant. Now, I know that your boyfriend can't be pregnant but perhaps the diabetes may have something to do with it? If not, there is always the chance that he is just tired. My husband comes home sometimes and is exhausted-- your boyfriend may need those days off to recover from a stressful week. Thanks for keeping us updated.

June 15, 2009 - 5:42am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months. He's 39 and I'm 45. After the first 2 months, he started taking a blood pressure pill that he says has killed his libido. However, I know he masturbates on a daily basis. For the past 4 months I have had to initiate any fondling, touching and when I bring over a gel or cream to get him in the mood, he calls me perverted.....This lack of sex is killing my esteem even though he says it's not me. He claims he will talk to his m.d. next month, but I'm wondering why the hell he hasn't gotten on the phone yet! I don't want to appear selfish so I try not to bring it up all the time. However, I am getting more and more frustrated and utterly unsatisfied. He is a wonderful guy and I know he's embarassed by the whole thing, but sex is an important part of a relationship for me. What to do? Help!

June 14, 2009 - 4:15pm
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