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Why Doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?

By May 19, 2009 - 9:46am
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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?

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(reply to Anonymous)

I like this part for relationship problems "everyone is different and has their own demons to deal with" and their many like you including ME, so be brave, make new friends as life goes on!!
Take Care :)

March 12, 2012 - 10:11pm
EmpowHER Guest

OK, I am super relieved that I am not the only woman going through this! But I have come to a CONCLUSION, eventually I am going to have to face facts and leave the relationship. I have read MOST of the posts here and the sad truth is that he just isn't sexually attracted to me anymore, he's told me himself. He says he still loves me, but isn't sure if he is IN love with me anymore. He often fantasizes about being with other women, yoga pants make him swoon (but not on me), and he will jerk off to porn daily, almost immediately when he gets home from work. We used to live together (for first year) , but realized it was ruining our relationship, so I gave him "space".
We have been on/off for 3 1/2 yrs., he is 24 and I am 28. Fun in the beginning, we hooked up (sex) almost everyday, then HE wanted to get more serious and monogamous. I was up for it and sex was still great, like twice a day every time we saw each other, then HE said "I LOVE YOU" to me. I wasn't there yet, but I soon found myself loving him back. We started living together and our sex life was awesome. He would drive home everyday on his lunch break just to have sex with me even if I was still sleeping or I would visit him at lunch and we'd end up having sex in the car just outside his work. Well, sex started to decrease after 3 months of steadily dating, to a few times a week, once a week, every 2 weeks, once a month, and finally 2 months had passed. I obsessed and bugged him about it, he said it was because the "honeymoon phase" was over. His excuses were that he was "tired" or "not in the mood" and got turned off because I kept wanting it and couldn't keep my hands off him. He felt like a sex object and called me a perv....but like many women, I just wanted the intimacy back and the feeling of being wanted, so I guess I wasn't able to control my urges and kept pushing him away and turning him off. I thought that if he really loved me and cared, he would be able to just have pity sex with me, but he wouldn't and I understand that now.
He used to take me to every party he went to and told me in detail about every girl he was friends with on facebook saying they are just friends (his choice to tell me, I didn't really care) and I believed him....but then he became friends with a girl and didn't tell me about her, but I didn't think any of it.....months go by and we are still having issues with sex and says he's being smothered, but we are working through it (more time apart, toys, dress up, role playing). Then I go on a week long camping trip with my family and since my bf had to work, he said he would meet us there a few days later. He meets up with us and the first night he is there, he says he wants to break up, completely blindsided me. I didn't know what to think and I didn't want to tell my family. My bf stayed with me on the camping trip and said it wasn't me and that there wasn't anyone else he was interested in, he just wanted a break from us. HUGE LIE!!! Being suspicious, I checked his phone, my bf had an incriminating (sexually graphic) text with our guy roommate about a girl he had just met at a party (while I was camping) and had texts to a # without a name attached to it. I confronted him about it and he denied that it was anything to worry about, saying guys just talk like that and claimed the # was a guy friend; again telling me there is no other girl. I wanted to believe him, so I let it alone and tried to talk to him about keeping our relationship alive and still trying to enjoy the rest of the camping trip. We ended up having sex 3 times while camping, but by the end, he still wanted to break up.

Back home I was getting ready to collect my stuff from his place, what was I to do? it was his place and he told me to move out...before I did, I called that suspicious # and the voicemail was a GIRL! I was soo peeved! I went over to his place and started getting my stuff; I asked him again if there was anyone else, he still denied it, then I dropped the bomb that I knew about the girl. Now he owned up to it, turns out it was the girl he never told me about on facebook and he had always liked her in highschool; and meeting up with her at the party, he found out that she liked him too and he never told her he had a gf and now was their chance to date. F HIM and F HER, I got my stuff and got the heck out of there. I was crushed but still in LOVE with him...he said I should've known it was coming because of our "problems".

To cut the story a lil short, I couldn't be kept away from him. I harassed that girl until she stopped talking to him and I kept calling him to try to talk things out some more. Somehow, we started having sex again, a lot, and sneaking around to do it, like getting a motel room just so our roommates wouldn't notice we were hooking up. Eventually we did end up getting back together, he swears nothing ever happened with that girl (because of my meddling) and he has gotten over that whole situation. This was all in the first year together.

But time again, the sex fades. We definitely aren't living together anymore because he said that was part of the problem before; we saw each other too much and he was getting resentful of me being there all the time. He wants more "space" and free time to himself, saying it still isn't me, he just doesn't want to be around anyone (not even his roommate or friends or family). I did find out he started watching a lot of porn on the computer and jerking off. Like some women, I wouldn't mind it, but if he isn't having sex with me when I'm practically begging for it, he shouldn't be allowed to get his jollies off on his own when I would gladly offer to do it for him just for some sexual contact. I told him not to do it because it's insulting to me and he said ok...but I guess for a lot of guys, it's just easier to do it themselves with porn than the actual act of sex, so he lies to me about doing it so my feelings aren't hurt, but the evidence is in the wastebasket, disgusting and now I feel disrespected because of the lies, but that's another "problem".

So the problems are so tense that we break up again. But then we yo-yo back together and have lots of sex again and then it fades again. This has happened several times in the years together. We haven't been with anyone else and would like to see our relationship work, but I want the old him back when we first got together, but he says he will never be like he was in the "honeymoon" state and that he will never love me as much as I love him. He says he's just not that kind of person and doesn't think he will ever be able to have that "fairytale" love for anyone, and he's always going to put himself first. He loves to cuddle me and kiss me on my face; he never liked making out but I would "make" him and we enjoy each others companionship (playing poker, golfing, bbqing, cycling, love of animals, watching our fav tv shows, shopping, eating out, etc.). Even though he loves me and says I'm a great person and he could spend the rest of his life with me, he will never be the guy that I want him to be(prince charming-like) and if I can't live with that or even wait for something that might never happen, then we should separate. But he needs me to do it because I am the most attached to the relationship and probably the one that keeps sucking us both back in. He has moments too where he will tell me that he will try to treat me better and work on being the guy I want because I deserve better and tells me he misses me a lot and still loves me and hopes I still love him. So our feelings are very mixed at times. Other times, when we're arguing, he says we should break up and see other people if we can't satisfy each others needs. He says he will always be attracted to other women and wants to have sex with them; it's so hurtful to hear it but it's the truth. He still loves me and thinks I'm attractive, but just not in a sexual way anymore, like I'm his sister or something (gross! how can he say that, right?)...another thing, because I wanted him to touch me and fondle me so much (I made him do it sometimes) that he finds it forced and corny to do it on his own now...but when we do have sex and are already into it, he doesn't mind being with me sexually (we usually have been drinking when this happens, but some morning sex occurs granted I am initiating and doing most of the work). He'll "allow" me to keep touching him (maybe because his inhibitions are lowered, but whatever, I'm taking what I can get). Sometimes he doesn't blow his load because of too much alcohol, but the foreplay and sex last an average of 45-60 min., so I know it's probably just the alcohol and weed and I don't mind if he gets tired after that amount of time. He's always joking to have a threesome (extra girl), but I love him so much I can't bear to see him with anyone else and I don't want to be with anyone else either even though he encourages it also. He doesn't understand that I don't want anyone else and that's why I keep returning to the relationship. He likes our relationship too, but just not the sex part, like he knows we could spend our lives together but he would just need mistresses on the side (I'm totally NOT down for that). He has told me to workout more so I don't get cottage cheese areas, but I'm the same as when we first met, not skinny, but athletic build...BUT he has also told me that even if I were to get my body looking like a supermodel and pose like in VIctoria's Secret, he might glance and say "She's HOT/SEXY", until he realizes it's just me and go back to ignoring me sexually again. He says I just don't get him excited anymore (what's the point then?).

So my conclusion again is to eventually get enough courage to leave and find someone else that is willing to be the guy I want. Right now, I don't know because I'm so comfortable and used to not getting sex all the time, but the hurtfulness of hearing my guy directly say he wants to have promiscuous sex with every hot girl that walks by is devastating. He won't cheat because he knows I won't let him ;) and he really truly doesn't want to hurt me like that. I'm also not counting out that some stress or depression might be a factor in our relationship, but it's hard to argue staying very long when they openly say they want to sleep with other people and don't find you appealing anymore. It's sooo hard to walk away from someone you love sooo much even though you know 100% it's the right choice.

I know I wrote more than just a novel here, but I hope my story helps other men and women understand a little more about what it's like to go through a similar situation like the original post, I've almost seen or heard it all. There are no easy answers for relationship problems because everyone is different and has their own demons to deal with.

As an extra side note, my bf is the 2nd guy I ever loved and I love him a million times more than my exbf, so this is really hard for me to come to terms with. I was with my first love for 6 1/2 yrs and we were each others first everything. We were inseparable the whole time and had sex almost everyday, it never decreased, but we both got bored (didn't stop us from having sex tho) and mutually decided to see other people(neither of us had anyone, just wanted the opportunity).

Thanks for taking the time to read my loooong story...if u have any comments or suggestions, I would love to hear them and don't hesitate to ask questions either. :)

March 11, 2012 - 1:10pm
EmpowHER Guest

i have a problem too..me and my man started datin in aug. and we use to have sex like non stop and he couldnt keep his hands off me im pregnant now and he never wants to put any moves or anything on me i try everything to get him to touch me but juust wont the only time i get some is if i get mad and argue wit him...but i dont want tht i want him to want me...be attracted to me..i askd him if its because hes exhausted from work and he said yes and i respected it but today he wrked two hours in the mornin and wen it came tonite i put lingerie with no pantys...he went to sleep didnt even touch me...whats? his problem plz help

March 2, 2012 - 11:05pm

I thinks he is cheating on you!

March 2, 2012 - 1:36am
EmpowHER Guest

Honestly I dont know exactly what to tell you. Maybe toys arent his thing or maybe he wants something different. Try asking him what he wants and go from there. If that doesnt work then maybe you two arent meant to be which I know from personal experience that thats not what you want to hear. Try "coming on" to him in a different way maybe a night in a movie and some good food that you made him will spark his interest. Possibly try watching a sexy movie to turn him on, play with him a little make him want you. Make him realize that sex with you is going to be better then anything he'll get on the outside.

February 28, 2012 - 8:56pm
EmpowHER Guest

Well I've been with my boyfriend for the past 5 years and it has now been 6 looong months since we've had sex. I don't understand what the problem is - He says that it's because I don't ever 'come on' to him - which I think is b.s because I've tried on multiple occasions even bought some crazy stuff at a sex toy party and went straight to his house afterwards to show off the goods and he wasn't the least bit interested - I just don't know what to do. I love him more then anything but considering we used to have sex ALL the time and now it's a RARE occasion. It's been 6 months now and last year total we may have had sex a total of 5 times. I don't know what to do - I really don't want to give up on our relationship but at the same time I want to have sex with him , and I've almost thought about a phone call to 'an old friend' but at the same time I know that wouldn't be the right thing to do - Please someone help -

February 28, 2012 - 8:45pm
EmpowHER Guest

^^^ Posted the above comment ^^^
Another reason I know he hasnt cheated on me is because we do live together. He told me last night that maybe it might be better for us to spend a week apart, no break, no sex with other people just dating, like we did in the beginning of our relationship. I go stay somewhere else or he does. Neither one of us can sleep without the other though were practically attached at the hip. We love each other more then anything so I just dont know what to do. He wants to marry me and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. gah im confused and hurt. :(

February 28, 2012 - 7:18pm
EmpowHER Guest

To start from the beginning, which was a couple weeks ago, my man had a decrease in sex drive. We use to have sex allllll the time but last week when we did have sex only he was satisfied and I got left hanging. He's really stressed at work and I understand that but so am I. He has been taking some vitamins everyday for about two months and I know he loves me and would never cheat on me, hes told me on several occasions that he would NEVER cheat on me. We have one of the best relationships I've ever had. Its not the fact that he doesnt want to its just that he cant. Or at least thats what hes told me. I feel bad for wanting it more then him, but when I bring up the idea of sex he gets upset and says that he doesnt know whats wrong with him and wishes he did. He said that he looked up on the internet some causes of low libido and I guess he didnt find anything because it hasnt been fixed. At this point im just wanting some sort of satisfaction from him, I dont want anyone else because i've already decided that hes "THE ONE". I'm 20 and hes 21 we've been dating for 6 months almost 7 and I have tried everything to seduce him, I kiss him and rub up against him but he pushes me away and rejects me. I'm tired of the rejection. Help!

February 28, 2012 - 7:09pm

I posted the last one...he also needs help getting an erection,he gets hard for a little then soft again.....so that is a factor too now but it wasnt one at the beginning

February 21, 2012 - 12:53am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi my boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months now,it's been great but everything,but ever since he took my virginity,the relationship has changed.He barely touches me,I have to beg him for sex....It was amonth without any sex until I begged him recently.I have been searching for answers.I have approached him he's saying everything is fine except for he does not want to use condoms and that his past relationships did not involve the use of condoms. I dont know what to do to make him want sex with me.I fear he's cheating even though I have asked him if he was. I found this post and broke down into tears I didnt know,I felt like it was just me. I felt like something was wrong with me. I am tired of begging for sex.Please someone help.

February 21, 2012 - 12:36am
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