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My husband doesn't like the way I look

By June 4, 2010 - 9:11pm
 
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I am unhappy that my husband doesn't like the way I look. What I mean is he doesn't like my body type, he doesn't like the size of my nipples - he has a list. He said he thinks my face isn't unpleasant. I've been married to him for eleven years. He isn't mean; he's just very convinced that I do not fit the criteria that is required to be a good looking woman.

He responds sexually, but I find his attitude toward the way I look a turn off. He likes the way he looks and he is very comfortable in his own body.

I got breast implants nine years ago, frankly to please him, but still he said I don't fit the bill. I am in good health, a size 12. I'm almost 5'7". I have gained weight since going through menopause. I think I weigh around 155lbs. I usually weigh 128 lbs. He thought I was too fat at 128 lbs; he has told me just not to gain anymore or he'll leave.

I believe he loves me. He calls his assessment of my body "reality." He says he loves me for who I am, not for my body. I have gone from really liking sex to feeling ashamed of my body, I don't want to take off my clothes.

Any suggestions? I am trying to lose the weight and firm up, but it's a slow process.

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am looking for some clarity because honestly I am at my wits end. I'm close to divorcing my husband because of this matter. My husband was always use to dating curvier women, and I believe that curvy women are beautiful. But I am not a coke bottle shape. However I do have some curves but its just not what he is use to. But to get straight to the point he wants me to have a bigger toosh. He said he wants me to tone up my body and grow a bigger butt. Now I'm okay with working out and toning up because I don't mind working out. But the root cause of why I hate when he nags me about it is because he once committed infedelity with someone that was on the curvier side, and I feel he wants me to look a certain way just to meet the criteria of the women he use to be with and it makes me insecure. I want to be all my husband wants but I dont want to change into something I'm not or have to pretend to be. Please give me some advice.

October 15, 2014 - 5:37am

My husband doesn't like the way the way I look either - never has even before we got married I have learned. I was a stick then and still am not overweight after a few children. Through counseling, we have learned that he doesn't feel good about himself so he's looking for life through me - and wants me to look a certain way. And, his own feelings of insecurity are projected onto me. But, this isn't going to work for me. We will continue in counseling, but it's a very painful process for me. I continue to let him know how painful it is and what it makes me feel like. There is no sex until I know he finds me attractive - and he won't do that until he's happy with himself. I'm also not willing to stay in this situation forever...

July 25, 2013 - 8:42am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,
I am sorry that you are being scrutinized for your weight by the one you chose to love forever. It is extrememly sad when I hear things such as this since when we live in a world where thin means beautiful. I often wondered if that would change as the overly thin model type women are now seen as too thin.

The more curvy women on television are now more beautiful then the skin and bone women. Look at Beyonce Knowles...she is a picture perfect woman with larger thighs and behind. Then there are also men who enjoy women with weight on them. This is what makes us all different. If we were all the same, life would not be as interesting.

Thank you for sharing your story...I wish you the best in the choices you make. Be good to yourself first.
Bes of luck,
Missie

February 26, 2011 - 9:59am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My husband is one of those people who likes to keep everything he owns in perfect condition. Alas I am not one of them. We have been together 15 years and I also have put on a few kilos after menopause around the tummy. Sex is now non existent and I asked him outright if this was the reason and he vitually said yes. He is a fitness fanatic. At my age of 53 I can't be bothered with him anymore because this isn't the first put down and won't be the last. I am really looking for a way out now. Life is too short and I am ready to be on my own.

February 25, 2011 - 9:06pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Gosh, what a jerk.

September 9, 2010 - 11:21am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

what an asshole!

July 31, 2010 - 4:17pm

Songofsongs,

I was so happy to read your response!! It sounds like the conversation the two of you were able to have was remarkable. I want to pat you on the back for showing your husband your question (that took some courage, I know) and I want to pat him on the back for not getting defensive. The fact that the two of you were able to just explore the issue together and talk about it is so important.

Best wishes to you both. Come back and update us sometime!!

June 18, 2010 - 8:34am

The responses created a context for talking with my husband. It was as if we were at a marriage retreat, in a group discussion about my experience and perception of this old problem. We both had the feeling that we weren't alone in the discussion, as we considered each response. We have never had such a constructive discussion of my feelings, my hurt feelings, and about the communication problem in our marriage. I felt he was able to understand the problem without feeling so defensive that we couldn't discuss what has happened through the years.

I appreciate everyone's thoughtful response. I am surprised how effective the input has been in creating context. I wasn't just a crabby menopausal woman drudging up the past, and being uncool about a lack of feeling appreciated.

This was the most constructive process I have ever experiened. I find it weird that the comments were so helpful.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.

June 16, 2010 - 1:26pm

Songofsongs,

I hope you are really feeling support here, flowing from women who read your post and can understand what it's like to be in your shoes. We all have things we are attracted to or turned off by, but when we truly love another person, we support them instead of pulling them down.

When or if YOU feel the desire to change something about your body for YOU, that's another matter. But for someone else to determine that there is some "criteria" that you must try to meet is just crap. In my book, he doesn't meet the criteria for being a loving husband.

How are you feeling after seeing others' responses?

June 15, 2010 - 7:58am

OMG cant believe he can say this to you after so long ... you seem like a normal size dont feel ashamed and dont let him put you down im sure he aint perfect looking and his attitude makes him look worse

June 13, 2010 - 6:10pm
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