Facebook Pixel
Q: 

Is it normal for my boyfriend to masturbate in the middle of the night.. Even though we had sex before we fell asleep??

By March 22, 2011 - 9:13am
 
Rate This

I've been dating my bf for a year now and we live practically live together. And by practically I mean he goes home about two days a month! About two weeks ago I woke up Around 3 am and noticed that he was masturbating.. After we had just had a great sex session before going to sleep! I was shocked! I didn't move or say a word. Not that I am against masturbating, I do it myself and he knows that.. Which is probably while I feel bad even saying anything about it. But the fact that he was doing it in the middle of the night after we had sex.. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Not to mention the awkwardness of waking up to your bf doing that. So I kin of let it go but a few days passed and we didn't have sex for two nights. Maybe just feeling like I wasn't good enough made me not be in the mood? He later mentioned that he had no option but to masturbate those two nights (which I had catches him again one of those two nights!) I told him I didn't understand.. We have sex every night! I would think going a day or two with out it would not be too out of this world to where you had to be up in the middle of the night touching yourself. I later told him that it made me feel like I wasn't good enough.. His response was that he only did it those two nights that we had not had sex and that he didn't want to wake me up in the middle of the night ( so much for that!!) so after expressing how I felt... Last night I caught him again!! It's gotten to the point where I can't enjoy having sex the same way I did. I feel like it's our connection isn't the same :( am I just being dramatic? Or does he have an issue? In the year we have been together we never had this problem and our sex drive is the same:( help!!

Add a Comment27 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have a story to share as well feeling really annoyed n low. So i met my ex from 2 yrs ago. We never had sex in that 3 month relationship because i didn't want to. So i happened to work around his area n asked to have lunch. We had lunch said bye like buddies. Then he texted n asked if i left his city already? N i should Visit His place since we haven't seen each other. I was ok with it. I ended up spending the night. He showed no interest in doing anything and i know we we're going to share the same bed so wasn't sure where this was going..? We decided to watch movie in his bed. Five mins into the movie he asked for a kiss. Then it happened!! It lead to it slowly but it happened. let me add a yr back he had been very persistent in asking me to come over his place n gave up.

So here is where im so confused n disturbed. After he washed up n came back to the room it felt so weird. Sex was quick i didnt really get a chance to complete:/ N he knew that! He crawls into bed and goes on his on fb or whatever. I pretended to sleep. He didn't cuddle with me or anything

February 27, 2015 - 11:36pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I've caught my boyfriend taking care of business on his own before, we are both doctoral students, both also have work schedules and sometimes those schedules don't line up. We've been dating for about a year and about three months ago, I was out in livingroom working on my laptop when I heard tell-tale noises. I listening intently, basically heard the whole thing, waited for him to finish, then walked by the bedroom to casually "use the restroom". I gave him enough time to change his position and hide any visual evidence, but it was pretty obvious what had been happened. At first I was furious: after all, I was 20 feet away in the other room and have NEVER refused sex during our entire relationship. I felt that I was worth more than that. I then read comment after comment online from men stating that this was normal.

I decided to drop the battle, I never discussed it with him except to once ask for the following: taking care of business on his own is my business and has nothing to do with me. How he chooses to do it-as long as its solo-also has nothing to do with me (basically saying that I'm never going to complain if he's a porn viewer), but I do ask that his solo time not get in the way of our together time. Meaning: don't just jerk off to porn all the time and never have energy for me. We agreed, and things were fine.

Until I also caught him taking care of things in bed next to me while I slept.

Ok guys: I'm at his place 3 nights a week, typically. He has four to do this on his own. Doing it in bed next to me is just downright RUDE. First, the fast rapid motion vibrates the bed and wakes me up. From what I've read, it wakes MOST of us women up so stop being so selfish. Second, any thought to the fact that I too might need some "stress" and "tension" release? So basically, you are willing to assume that you are the only one who needs to get some, you are too lazy to go through the additional motions of sex, you don't even have the self-discipline to wait ONE night until I'm back at my place, or even until morning when I'm in the shower AND you are don't care if you wake me up? All because you have to have what you want WHEN you want it?

That doesn't sound like a healthy agreement between couples, that sounds like a selfish guy and women who are taught to accept it.

Sorry, take care of your business WHENEVER YOU WANT but do NOT do it in bed next to me when you think I'm asleep. Tension for me is no easier to sleep through, being turned on for me is just as mentally overwhelming as it is for you, but I've just been conditioned via society to ignore it and you've been conditioning to get down there and start taking care of it.

When it comes to masturbation and porn: it's none of my business. As long as it doesn't involve another woman, or something unhealthy or illegal, I don't care. Have at it. But have the decency of knowing that I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone here and going beyond my female instinct, which is to see that any sexual gratification without me is a sign that I'm not doing my job, and I'm being open enough to realize that my insecurities don't need to be reflected on you. See that I'm already making a huge step and do the same: don't wake me up because you are fapping your brains out and shaking the bed. Wait until I'm not in bed next to you or let me join in.

February 2, 2015 - 8:12am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I've been having the same problem.. he doesn't do it next to me but he does it when I'm in the same house .. like I'll be in the room and he will be watching porn in the bathroom.. why do I have such a problem with it? It makes me feel unattractive .. and when I try and talk to him about it he won't talk. He just says leave him alone. Any suggestions on what I should do?

March 12, 2017 - 8:58pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Just remember the next time you have PMS, that it is every bit as easy for you to "ignore" the effects of all the estrogen and progesterone coursing through your system as it is for him to "ignore" the testosterone coursing through his own system when he is aroused by your presence.

Because *you* are undoubtedly the source of that excess testosterone --- if he was not turned on by your mere presence, he wouldn't have such a dire urge to masturbate at that time. Saying that he should just wait until the next day to release that tension is very much the same as him saying that you should wait until he is not around to feel bloated and/or irritable.

You claim to feel the same things he feels yet be able to control it. This is almost certainly not the case. If you were born a female and have been a female your entire life, then you almost certainly have not, in fact, ever experienced what it feels like to be have that much testosterone in your system. Likewise, most men have never experienced what it feels like to have copious estrogen coursing through their own systems. After a friend decided to transition to the female gender, I spoke with several folks that underwent gender reassignment surgery, which involves being pumped full of estrogen. One common remark I heard was that, as soon as they were given the estrogen, they suddenly understood the joys of shopping and gossiping, and they got emotional and cried, they nagged and picked silly fights with friends and family. They had to learn to control these urges, because they were new to them. After some practice, they were able to act like a normal woman; however, none of them successfully acted like a man during the hormone therapy. I am quite confident that the situation would be similar for a woman that was given large amounts of testosterone. Many things that are easy for you now would be impossibly difficult. Hormones are powerful.

May 18, 2015 - 6:55pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

"but I've just been conditioned via society to ignore it and you've been conditioning to get down there and start taking care of it"....

So, you are right and he is wrong because according to you society taught you to ignore it. The same society that taught him to get on with it.

Ever consider he wants a little variety so uses his imagination? Perhaps doesn't want sloppy seconds even though its his own seconds. You aren't going to be "The sexiest woman ever" to him or anybody because there is always a feature on somebody else out there that is just better.

If you wake up next to him doing that, just start doing it yourself and get him in the mood for you. A few moans, he'll be right back into you, or just use your tongue, help the guy out.

April 30, 2015 - 11:24am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I love your post. Thank you for being honest and a real woman, couldn't agree more from one woman to another high five.

April 27, 2015 - 7:30pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

P.S:
To the few guys on here:
I don't buy it for one minute that you wouldn't mind waking up to us doing the same thing. I think you'd feel overwhelmed by it, you'd wonder why we didn't just wake you up, you might feel a bit turned on by it but you'd still find it a bit "in your face" too, unless it had been discussed previously.

That's part of what I'm getting at: communication. If I just did something like that without communication first, the average guy would still probably be a bit put off. Here's why: most men seem happy to know that their girlfriend has a killer sex drive, as long as THEY are the ones inspiring that sex drive. Just last night, we were watching the Superbowl and although it was totally fine for my boyfriend and his friend to enjoy the Victoria Secret commercial, I got a few questioning stares when I commented about how hot Tom Brady is.

Look, we are a generation away from Women's Lib. I get that. In the past forty-fifty years I've gone from housewife material to semi-virtual-equal. A lot has changed, but your mindset hasn't entirely. I'm still not quite about to express the fact that, my sex drive is absolutely bigger than my boyfriend's. That's just my insecurity, that's him just not being interested.

The idea that I would take care of my own business in bed next to him, without him being the one to "start my engine", the idea that I could be thinking about ANYTHING or ANYONE (and like most women, yes, it's not my boyfriend in my mind, but then, I know I'm not what he thinks about frequently either), bothers him.

Just imagine that, guys: you wake up and she's quietly moaning away, making it clear that she wants nothing to do with you in this procedure even though you were right there, making it obvious that you aren't what is turning her on, something else is, and making it clear that she isn't going to stop. I think you'd feel a weird combination of turned on and rejected, just like we do.

February 2, 2015 - 8:23am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Sorry-type-taking care of business is NOT my business.

February 2, 2015 - 8:13am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Ladies, let me tell you why we do this lol.
Don't be insecure about yourselves, good sex makes a guy become more horny and masturbation takes that feeling away, so it's like a sigaret after sex lol thats it, now go to sleep :)

January 16, 2015 - 12:17pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Thank you so much for your comment, I know you wrote this a few years ago but this just happened to me tonight. I waited for him to finish and go back to sleep and I left and went home at 4am. Now that you say our hot sex made him more horny I kind of feel much better. Thank you

January 6, 2019 - 6:42am
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.

ASK

Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!