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My husband and I have been married 3 1/2 years. During this time, we have struggled with many issues. I love him dearly, and feel a connection that I have never felt. I just don't know what to do right now tho. Over the past 2 years, he had been angry all the time, and the fact that we did not have sex much increased the anger I fear. He would come home 'in a mood' and take it out on my self and my daughter. Not physically, but emotionally. I found out that he was having an emotional affair with someone at work, trading porn, writing pornographic stories, etc. When looking at the phone bill I found that in one day they had traded 300 texts. I asked that they do not continue, and he agreed, saying she meant nothing. Then I found out he was using other means to continue this affair. There were other involvements at that time as well. We split up for a few months and during this time I saw a major change and a new respect for me. We got back together. Now, he has a lot of female friends that he texts, calls, facebooks, etc. He has one in particular that calls and texts him 24/7. He says she is only his friend. There is more, but the basic problem is this - he keeps his facebook, email accounts secret, I believe he has put a privacy thing on his facebook so I can only see certain messages. his phone is always with him, he deletes all the history on the computer he uses. I found a common number that was on his cell phone many, many times and called it. It was a female, but when I approached him about it, he said it was a friend and the female that answered must be his wife/girlfriend. He was angry with me, and said I didn't want him to have any friends. I try not to get jealous (and yes my self esteem is in the gutter right now), but between the porn, the girls at work, the way he taunts me with telling me how this person is dressed and that person is dressed, and his phone ringing with texts all the time, I am getting very, very stressed over this. I do not have sex with him, because I am not interested in it right now. It is not out of being mean, but having sex is something I do when I feel secure and happy, otherwise, I can get B.O.B. out and not deal with the drama.
I know this is a lot of stuff. But, am I right to be concerned or am I over reacting???
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Alison - thank you so much for taking the time to write back to me. He and I had a LOUD discussion on this when he stormed into the house and threw his wedding ring at me. Lol. It has turned out for the best. I am hopeful that this most recent situation will bring around good results. I learned that there are certain aspects that I do not need to involve myself in. I will trust him to have the privacy he desires and trust in my instincts that it is the best way to handle it. It is all I can do, because otherwise I would be throwing away my marriage of something that most likely stems from my insecurities.
I believe that if you get angry at the words that someone says in order to help you, and you really think about them, it is because there is some truth to it. I can take the truth! Thank you again. Many blessings!!
March 1, 2010 - 4:56pmThis Comment
The funny thing is, we just started counseling on friday. He called a while ago and we got into it on the phone. I told him I wanted to see his phone and have access to his email for 24 hours and he got mad and told me we were done. He told me he would not be bullied. He also said that I was uninteresting to him with my attitude and my weight (my weight is due to the anti-depressants that i am on because i can't handle all of his drama). I don't know what to do.
February 28, 2010 - 3:27pmThis Comment
This does sound frustrating. I'm so sorry. From an outsider's perspective, here are my two cents:
1. He told you that "we are done". Did he mean this with actions that he is intending to follow through on, or did he say this out of anger as a threat to end the conversation? If he is done, and does not want to continue counseling, you may still want to continue counseling yourself. If he is not done, and said it out of anger, then he is also using "bullying" techniques and the counselor can definitely help you two in the area of "fair fighting" and "communication".
2. Your husband has go to know that you do not trust him, and you have got to know that your husband is angry and frustrated by this. Asking to see his phone would result in him being mad; I'm sure you predicted that. He could also have predicted that you would want to see his phone/email since he has not gained your trust. Both of these are obvious actions-and-responses, and a counselor can help both of you choose better behaviors in the first place.
3. Him telling you that you are "uninteresting" because of your attitude and weight. That is very hurtful, and harmful, and perhaps was said out of anger that he later regretted. Or, perhaps he is really uninterested in you at the moment. He brought on some of this "attitude" that you undoubtedly have, due to his actions (he had to of known his actions would create specific reactions from you that would not have been pleasant...to say the least!). Anytime weight is brought into the equation, I think that's a cop-out and harmful; I assume he has some physical flaws as well that are unappealing, as ALL people do, and these have nothing to do with the bigger picture of both of your gaining trust, respect, happiness and creating a loving environment.
Both of you have to be willing and able to go through counseling for longer period of time than just one session, and to want to work on your relationship in a positive and healthy manner. He needs to rise to the occasion and not bully you, not act like a child; you will have to learn how to trust him, not bully him either, not play the victim... there are all kinds of roles that you are both falling into (not blaming, as you have every right to feel awful, because it is an awful situation that can be resolved with time).
I hope this helps somewhat, at least to validate your feelings, and to empower you to take the high road and not take on his hurtful words. If counseling is going to work, it has to be with your heart wide open, and you may get hurt, or it may work out. You are not able to control what your husband's heart wants to do, or what his anger responses are, but you can gently tell him that you are trying to trust him, and would appreciate being treated with respect...and you will do the same for him.
Please let us know how you are doing. You said you don't know what to do, but what do you think your options are?
February 28, 2010 - 6:34pmThis Comment
Hi,
No..no...you are not overreacting at all. It sounds like you have done everything in your control to talk with your husband, confront him about his emotional affairs, and he responded with more secrecy, insults, privacy and emotional manipulation.
Is he interested in creating a loving, peaceful, trusting, monogamous and healthy marriage with you? Why is he needing the emotional intimacy of other women, the physical thrill of writing/sharing porn and thinking about other women in his marriage? Is he willing to choose between these other women, seeking help for his insecurities (he has plenty of them, if he is "needing" this type of attention from other women while married), vs. having a mutually happy, healthy marriage? His current actions either need to change with outside help, or you have a choice to make. He has clearly made his choice, unfortunately, and his last choice would be if he is interested in seeking marriage counseling, as well as individual therapy.
Are willing to go through the journey with him (including marriage counseling, as well as individual counseling for both of you), and is interested in creating a healthy marriage? Is he able to fill his needs in other appropriate ways?
His manipulation (telling you that you are jealous or saying that you won't let him have any friends) is really foolish and childish on his part. Either he wants to have you as a wife, be married in a way that makes both of you happy, or he wants to continue being deceptive and secretive. That is his choice, and your choice to continue living with his chosen behavior. I hope you continue being strong and can recognize when he is trying to put the blame back on you as a "deflector".
Please let us know how we can help. If he is uninterested in counseling, it would be wonderful for you to go individually.
February 28, 2010 - 3:00pmThis Comment