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He says he loves me but isn't in love with me...

By Anonymous April 12, 2018 - 9:20pm
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My husband and I are barely trying to work things out after being separated for 8 months. We just bought a house, I just got a raise, and it was feeling like we were finally settling down and starting a whole new chapter in our lives. Then everything turned for the worse for our relationship. He started to get distant and completely involved in his work and online gaming. We were staying at his sister's house until our house was ready to be moved into. We had about 90% of our things moved into the house when he finally told me that I wasn't moving with him. He said that he missed out on experiences as a kid and wanted to be with multiple women sexually because he felt like he would regret it if he didn't. He pushed me so far away and told me a lot of crazy things to make me stay away. 1 week after he left me he started dating someone who is way younger then him. About a month into the relationship he moved her into our house. We have been trying to get our divorce over with since Nov (4months now). I received a text from him in the beginning of March asking me if it's too late for us. This was 1 week after i told him that I was moving in with my bf and starting to feel more stable in my life. He finally told me why he left me. The truth finally emerged that he cheated on me with a 19 year old that he had hired on one of his jobs. He's 32. My 1st reaction was hurt, pain, sadness. I cried, screamed, and yelled at him then I was "over" it. I felt like something broke in me. I had no emotions whatsoever about anything. I broke up with my bf and moved out of the house we barely rented. For the last 2 weeks me and my husband have been trying to date again. We were always extremely compatible in hobbies, our sex life, and goals in our lives, but now he has no sex drive at all for me. He doesn't get aroused regardless of what I do. He says that he's in love with me and everything makes sense for him to be with me but all of his emotions are with his ex bf (the person he moved into our house). They were also very much into a "dynamic relationship " meaning he controlled her as a "dom" and she is his "sub". Some kind of BDSM thing I don't fully understand. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I'm even trying again. I feel like we have a very strong connection, but I don't know how long it's going to take for him to come back. He says we feel like just friends for him, but if that was the case I don't think he would have ever left his bf. I feel lost and hopeless. Every day I expect him to just leave me again. Idk. Anyone have any inside insight? I don't even know where to turn to...

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HERWriter Guide

Hello Anon

Thank you for writing.

Since you both moved on with two new people, it seems like both of you need to be in a relationship, regardless of who the person is.
My advice is to not date at all - either of you. Take a breather and be alone to clear heads and see things with a different perspective.
Your husbands relationship didn't work out (I suspect she left him, regardless of what he says) so he has come running back to a sense of familiarity. He has been honest and said he sees you as a friend. It's likely he will keep searching out a romantic partner and leave again once it has become stable - or he'll just go from relationship to relationship. We don't know him to we can't say.
There is no need for either of you to be in a relationship right now. You both need clarity and space.

April 13, 2018 - 4:24am
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