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Hi there,

I see that this post was from over two years ago, and I'm hoping you were able to talk it through with your boyfriend face-to-face and it's resolved by now. I don't know if I can be of much help, but I thought I'd still share my experience. I actually came across your post while trying to figure out my own frustrations with a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend who lives in Europe (and I live in the U.S.) for just over two years now. My boyfriend and I started our relationship online as well, but I went over to meet him in reality a few months into the relationship, and he came over twice to the States, and recently I had just made my trip over to Europe to see him again. With continuous back-and-forth traveling to each other's country as "tourists," the longest we could physically be together was 3 months due to tourist status restrictions. This is a general picture to show you how majority of the 2 years of our relationship consisted of online interaction. Before we had met in reality, we had already engaged in video call sex multiple times. Then when we first saw each other in reality, we decided to have actual sex. Whenever we are physically together, we had regular sex. Then during periods of separation, we tried to best-fulfill our physical desires through video call sex. Mostly he would ask me for it (at least once a week), and other times, it was me initiating it. This continued for over one year into the relationship. Then right after my boyfriend went back to Europe after having spent 3 months with me in the States, he stopped asking me for cam sex, despite that we had months ahead of us before we could see each other again. His excuses consisted of being too tired (there is a 9-hour difference between where I am and where he is), his genital has a weird nerve sensation, for which he had actually gone to see a doctor, and mainly, that he just wasn't into virtual sex anymore. He's tired of it despite that he enjoyed it a lot in the past. Unfortunately, as much as I want real sex, our situation is that we cannot be physically together and virtual sex is the only means to come as close to having real sex. Instead, he decides to masturbate while watching pornography from time to time. We got into arguments more frequently in the beginning, because he would feel pressured when I brought up this subject. I've been letting him be and not asking any questions about it. This has been months since I didn't even bring it up. As much as I want to give him space and not bother him about it, I can't help but find it so strange and empty how someone who used to love virtual sex so much does not want it anymore. Also I find virtual sex a way to grow intimacy between us, and having this part disappear all of a sudden, I feel that we are subconsciously growing farther apart in other aspects of our relationship. I prize our romantic and emotional attachment more than our physical/sexual interactions, but I feel that the latter cannot go absent all of a sudden in a healthy relationship. He still says he loves me, finds me attractive, sexy, and that it's not me, but just his sudden lack of interest in virtual sex and his growing need for physical sex. I find this difficult to believe and only take it as an excuse seeing he watches porn once in a while to take care of his needs (for which his excuse is that it's just "easier" to do it by himself sometimes). I definitely miss virtual sex with him, and today he said he wanted to ask me but decided against it. This isn't the only time he would pour such excuses. I think some men are just like that. They prefer to just not do anything (not even virtual sex, which comes closest to real sex for long distance couples) if it isn't real sex. I stopped overthinking like I did before, as I learned it wasn't healthy for myself. Before I was worried I wasn't attractive or exciting enough for him anymore. It really isn't that, but mainly that he's just not into virtual sex anymore regardless of how he was before.

January 15, 2017 - 2:28am


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