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I promise you he isn't cheating because I am with him all the time, and when I am not he is at home. However I get sick feeling in my belly wondering if he is self satisfying himself and although I do the same, it is a bit different for us ladies. It gets bad getting jealous to something so natural but I want him to want me and I want to be the one to please him-I need him to use what he can on me! Oh I tried mentioning testosterone loss and getting some. I hold a certificate in MA (oh boy if he doesn't know it was me in the previous note, he will now! lol) so I tried talking to him about it medically speaking, without making him feel less of a man. Yes, he got upset and said it wasn't a problem. Um, I am going through beginning stages of menopause and I know I will lose estrogen and might have to take estrogen one day. I am not ashamed of it, nor will I deny it and feel less of a woman. But I told him he better take me while he can because someday I might not want it. hahaha. All I know is I DON'T want to live like this forever. I am getting older and them days will come when I won't want to be touched..but I know this, even when I didn't desire my ex, I still did it because I wanted to make him happy. That is what love is about. It just feels one sided in the bed department. To him the bed is only about sleeping. *rolling eyes* You know, in a way this is like some abused women. I left my first husband because I wasn't in love with him. He was mean and when he wanted it, he didn't turn me on (which I understand with my man now that when I get upset because he won't make love that it is a turn off. He doesn't believe in make up sex, it is a complete turn off) but some women don't want to leave due to being scared. Some women don't want to leave abuse because they are in love with the abuser. Well, my man isn't physically abusing me. He is mentally abusing me in a way. He makes me think I am a drama queen and he puts words in my mouth. He feel he is in control by controlling sex. I am unhappy but in love with him. I can't leave. I think he is a bit on the bi polar side too, but, you guessed it, he won't admit it. He doesn't believe there is such a thing. Yet he believed in ADHD and ran to doctor a few years ago, to get the meds for it, but yet he says I am not ADD either-yet I am and two of my children was Dx with ADHD. I said he shows some signs of ADD due to he gets distracted easily when he is reading (I am same way) but taking meds wasn't helping him. I got mad cause I knew he was not taking it orally but crushing it to snort in place of coke at the time. He doesn't anymore, but I was angered because he was telling me that I didn't have ADD nor was there such a thing as bi polar. I saw many patients when I worked as a nurse with either or both plus I studied and researched and I know I have it. It runs in my family. I tried showing him websites about bi polar (which some Sx are of ADHD so maybe I don't have "ADD" but I get distracted easily. When I was in school and studying and heard anyone talk, I had to start the whole paragraph over again). I told him when I have the episodes that I DON'T mean some things I say or may say. I said if I start to get where I am going to have an episode to distract me-grab me and hold me. Chances are I am feeling insecure and or jealous (my usual triggers) and if I am reminded I am loved and cared about, it will pass. But nope, he wants to get away. So I have my manic episodes then realized I have "done it again" and then the depression cycle starts...I am coming off the "high" of manic fit then I start crying knowing that I ruined something. I have ruined so many vacations because I get this way. It gets worse when I am tired. But after I have this pass, I am exhausted and have to sleep, like one who just had a seizure. It physically wears me out. I just need him to understand. I need reminders of knowing he loves me. When he doesn't want to make love, all sorts of things run through my head and I get insecure. It's a cycle that can be helped if only he would try to help me. But like I said he shows some signs of it too. He sometimes get angry at me at something I did wrong or said wrong or something I did hours ago, or even months ago-something that hurt him or he got jealous about and lash out, make me cry then he sees I am crying and a few mins later it is "oh baby, don't cry" and he is all loving. If he sees this, he will get upset cause he found out I spoke to another man about this and this man later wanted to go out with me, and when I refused, he told my bf about what I told him. Of course it was I told him that he didn't have sex with me. Nothing mentioned about feelings in this matter. I was talking to this man for a man's point of view in this matter. Alright so then I try talking to my close girl friends about it. He found out and got mad. What does he expect me to do?? Bottle it all up inside me? I need to talk to someone. One person said that I am bursting his ego. I am making him into a mean bad person, but he isn't as bad as it sounds. He is really loving and yes I know love making goes more than just intercourse. He does love on me and is very very affectionate. He is very supportive in my music, he's been doing the same thing for 30 yrs or so. I have been only for 6 yrs. I have the talent and he has gotten me gigs and let me jam with his band. He never ever put my musical abilities down. He is proud of me, and brags about me to others. I am good at playing this instrument (won't say what cause if he sees, not that he wouldn't of figured out by now, it will for sure tell) and I am a natural at it. I listen and l play it note for note. He comes to me sometimes to help figure out how to play on a new song. He also gives me or tries to give me anything I want. If I want a huge flat screen, he will find one cheap and buy it for me. If I want something in music field, he will try his best to get it for me. He is wonderful to my kids, and they adore him. He picks them up from school if they call sick and bring them home. If one of them wants to go to the mall or to the lake or beach, he says ok let's go! So please don't get me wrong.
I think he wants to be in control (not of what I do, he respects an independent lady, but he doesn't call me 50 times and ask where I am blah blah or tell me I can't do this or that) of things somewhat cause he was married to a controlling woman who was verbally abusive and wore pants in household. I know because my first husband's mother was the same way to her husband and both ex mother and ex were to me so there fore when I left the controlling family, I was free and when I got into relationships, I was "well trained" and wanted control of my life and also wanted to take the helm in the relationship thinking that he won't cheat on me if I am watching him-and yes, I am that jealous, I watch even when I am not around him! lol! ok. digging a hole.
see sign of bipolar is talking excessively (yes I am reminded) and also I wrote yet another chapter. but feels so good getting this off my chest.

March 12, 2013 - 5:18am


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