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Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)


I really needed to read all that. I have lived for almost 5 years with a man like that. It started 2 month in in our relationship, at the same time he said he loved me for the first time. I woke up a couple of hours after, what i thought was good sex and thought he enjoyed it too, masturbating right beside me. He tried to hide what he was doing and excused himself suffering from sexosomnia and said he had no clue that he was even doing that.
We were very, very much in love in the beginning (at least i was) and i chose to believe him. At the same time i informed him about the fact that i already had been in 2 long relationships where my lovelife had been everything but fulfilling and in the end sex had been unexisting and that i did´nt wanted that to happen again. I also informed him that 1 of these men rather masturbated than having sex with me and that he had also humiliated me, spit me in my face, beat my dog and would beat me if i made anything wrong, in his oppinion. And that i had suffered from PTSD, depression and anxiety attacks after that relation.
He looked me deep into my eyes and made a promise that that would not happen again!
After that i red all i could find about the subject to learn more and find a way to accept this odd behaviour and to reduce my anxiety attacks that awoke again with it. I wish i had been stronger and more clear- sighted back then and left at that point, but i had never been so in love before and i really thought that we could solve all our problems with communication and unadulterated truth. We talked about the importance of beeing completly true with each other and since we both have aspergers, i believed he could not lie, just like me.
He continued with his nighttime habits, but trying to be more discreete. I noticed he hid himself with his blanket if i walked in our bedroom when he was asleep or just quickly rolling over on stomach pretending to be asleep. When i asked about and why he was hiding from me he persistently said that i was wrong. Soon his will to be intimate with me started to decline and this was just after 6 months and he justified it that he had a low sexdrive despite he masturbated every night beside me, sometimes repeatedly. He also blamed it on his small penis and erectile dysfunction. I tried the best i could to be understanding and supportive and comfort him.I told him that size didn´t mather to me and that i actually was happy he was not so big since it can hurt like hell if they go too deep.
I again studied the topic trying to look for solutions and i, with his permission, ordered cialis so he could feel like the man he always wanted to be.
But still i woke up night after night with him masturbating with his hand on my butt, squeezing. When i tried to cuddle up and participate in his activities he just froze and "went back to sleep". Sometimes he even got mad "in his sleep" and pushed me away. As soon as my breathing went back to slow sleeping mode he started all over again and when i noticed and tested this correlation to be completly sure, my anxiety got worse and i felt assaulted by his squeezing hand.
I had panic outbursts every night, fell down in a deep dark hole called depression, started to mistrust my own perception. I begged for the truth, cried and wanted him to love me like before- thats when he started saying that he wanted to leave me. We had been a couple for 10 months at that time. :(
Since my whole life has been destructive and filled with violence, even my parents used to assault and battery me as a small child. I´m so used to be mistreated that i no longer can identify it. In a small amount of time my close ones can break me and my self-confidence into molecules.
Tragic but true. :/
He just left home and said that he no longer wanted to be with me and disappeared in 6 hours leaving me alone with my daughter and the anxiety from hell. My father left home 2 weeks before my 17th birthday and was found dead a week later. He commited suicide. A major trauma in life. Therefore i have difficulties when peole just leave for an indefinite period. He knew this and couldn´t care less. It was always his point of view that counted.
Now i was completely broken as a person and one day he drove me up to the psychiatric ER. I got the best help and a long term contact to talk to. I got my diagnoses asperger and adhd, combined type, along with depression and anxietydisorder. I tried a lot of different antidepressives, gained a lot of weight, 40 kilos over the next 12 months. Then he started to desire me again, wanting me to gain even more weight. He preferred Big Beautiful Women. Our second summer together i felt beautiful and loved. <3
But when i hardly managed to walk my daughter to school and weighed over 105 kilos i said stop. I have to take care of my health in order to be there for my daughter.
In the beginning he told me he was into fetischsex and porn. He showed me pictures and films so i could get a grip of what he was into. I´m very openminded and tries not to be judgemental so we started very early to explore his fetisches. Some of them really nasty and nothing for me, but i did it anyway because i loved him and wanted him to fulfill his urges and dreams with me. Others wasn´t that bad at all. Some i even started to like a lot. :)
Our second and third year was loving and we experimented a lot in bed. I tried to handle his nighttime masturbation and my panic the best i could by leaving the bedroom and go sleep in our guestbed.
But i cried and moaned a lot, got pissed off, shouted and slammed doors. And chainsmoked on the balcony. All along i felt that something wasn´t right between us even though he told me the opposite every time i brought it up. Though he is very carismatic and cinvincing when he need to.
I could no more believe in his explanations about sexosomnia, because his behaviour got more and more insidious. He changed his pattern every time i brought it up to discussion. Trying to hide it from me and make me doubt my own perception and sanity. Severe gaslighting i would say. I got very suspicious, scared, controlling, i started to do my very best to catch him in the act and behaved like crazy sometimes.
Next spring he was more distanced than before and i noticed he had started gazing at other women/girls. I´m almost 11 years older than him and felt very hurt when he looked at girls almost 20 years younger than me, and of course fatter than me. Our sexlife was almost like duty for him. Lack of feelings, love, laugh and sensualism. I started to feel like all the sweet and loving things his mouth uttered was nothing more than words. They came not from his heart. He was not connected with me any more.
Oh, I wish i could have been stronger. :(
He could not admit that he almost undressed other girls with his eyes. I told him that i he could look as much as he liked when alone, but when out and around with me he should respect me enough not to. Then he started to look at them on the sly after checking where i had my attention. So sneaky... It made me even more saddened.

And it kept on like that. 4,5 years in total. Severe gaslighting, lack of empathy, making me the problem and a lot of drama almost always including separation and an emotional reunion. Almost like he had have this drama to get attracted to me at all. His nightly masturbation and pornconsumption increased to the point that i could not be around him. I slept in my daughters room and he was angry that i didn´t sleep with him... WHY?

This summer i started to deal with him in different ways than before. I got stronger and could not take his lying, masturbating and him denying me a normal happy sexlife any more. Nor did i believe him when he said that my mental health were worsening again. He wanted me to believe that so i would start doubt my own sanity and perception again, i think.
He could not get me anymore! I think this made him so mad that he was suddenly the one slamming doors and shouting.
And then, the day after my daughters birthdayparty, he said he wanted a divorce. Just days after he had explained his deep love for me and planning building a house and telling me his fear of me letting go of him.
I first didn´t believe him. I have heard that frase so many times, so i took it for the usual drama. But no, this time he meant it for real. He said he didn´t recognize his own behaviour any more... That´s because he copied mine when angry and anxietyridden to make me understand how hurt he felt when i rather slept on the couch than letting him have his sick fettisch beside me at night.
He say he still love me, but not in a romantic way and he want to be my friend. Oh, so very noble of him... To me it sounds like he wants to eat the cookie and still have it. He still wants to inform me about work and friends like before and then disappear in front of his porn getting his dopamin kicks. He also likes to watch me when talking to me in the kitchen and unnoticed (he think) masturbate with his hand in his pocket...
I think he is a sick, sick disturbed mixup of antisocial behaviourproblems and narcissism. All my friends blame it on the asperger, but most aspies i know have feelings. This guy don´t. He also say that he learnt a lot from me and that he is now the updated version 2.0. That scares me, because when i try to talk to him about our divorce i understand he hasn´t learned a shit. Studying me just gave him more tools when manipulating people.

And now his emotionless mother can nurse him again. I bet she would still like to breastfeed him if she could. I wonder if narcissism and antisocial behaviour is inherited. His mom is so remarkable and you get the feeling that she is looking down at you. And just the fact that she never under theese years have asked anything about me, my past life and experiences maked me think she is just the same and that´s why he still is mommy´s little babyboy.
It makes me sick thinking about how he called her darling in front of me, how they held hands when out strolling, how she almost started to cry when i first met her because she "had always thought that it would be just them ´til the day she died."
How he tells her everything about our relation and calls her on the phone several times every day. How he tells her about his sexual problems like the "sexosomnia" and ED. And how her oppinion is most important. She controls and supervise him all the time and treats him like he is the centrum of the universe. She said to me that it was probably very tough for him handeling the fact that he needed to share my attention with my daughter. SICKENING!

September 16, 2017 - 9:32pm


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