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Anonymous
I need some help.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years. We started dating when I was 20. We had been friends prior to our relationship, so I thought I knew him.
As soon as we started dating, I saw a different side of him. Very needy emotionally, and very disrespectful and critical of his mother. When I voiced concerns about this, he told me that his mother had mistreated him as a child and I had no right to judge him for their current relationship.
I stayed with him and despite a few weak attempts to break up with him, we now have 2 children.
My problem is that he is actually a nice man. He brings me flowers and smiles and laughs. we have fun together and sometimes he is very considerate. Our relationship is great more than half of the time. But he had anger problems. When something displeases him he is quick to raise his voice, criticize things, or give the silent treatment. He is a dominant man and when something angers him, everyone has to feel it. This has caused anxiety issues for me where I fear arousing his temper. He doesn't hit me or call me names. But when I try to stand up to him, he is a master at taking the wind out of my sails. He will rarely apologize, and at the end of every confrontation, I am always left with the feeling that it is actually me who is the problem. If I showed more affection, if I did little things to show my love, if I initiated sex more, if I complimented him, if I stopped living in a fantasy world, things would be better. Every time we have a big discussion about the problems in our relationship, I feel that I am the one who needs to change more.
He is a very critical man who seems to be intolerant of different ways to do things. He will point out ways that he thinks I should do things, and if I don't listen or get angry, he responds with anger. So I try to do things his way and not argue, but it never seems to be enough. When I bring this issue up, the last time in particular, he told me that he criticizes me because he sees me getting stressed out because of doing things the hard way, so when he criticizes me it's because he cares.
He says his love for me is deep and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But I don't know what to do. Am I the problem? Is he the problem? Are we a problem together and we both need work?
I don't know if these problems are even real or if I am impossible to please. Is this how every relationship is and I just have unrealistic expectations? Is my self-esteem so low that I just take everything too personally?
I find myself unable to leave. Often times I want to, but I doubt my reasoning and fear I will regret it, while hurting him in the process.
Do you have any tips for how I can assure myself that these problems are real and not in my head? How can I be sure of a decision moving forward? I have 2 children and my decision is not one to be made lightly and I have to be absolutely sure. What do I do?
Comment Reply
I need some help.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years. We started dating when I was 20. We had been friends prior to our relationship, so I thought I knew him.
November 11, 2015 - 10:41amAs soon as we started dating, I saw a different side of him. Very needy emotionally, and very disrespectful and critical of his mother. When I voiced concerns about this, he told me that his mother had mistreated him as a child and I had no right to judge him for their current relationship.
I stayed with him and despite a few weak attempts to break up with him, we now have 2 children.
My problem is that he is actually a nice man. He brings me flowers and smiles and laughs. we have fun together and sometimes he is very considerate. Our relationship is great more than half of the time. But he had anger problems. When something displeases him he is quick to raise his voice, criticize things, or give the silent treatment. He is a dominant man and when something angers him, everyone has to feel it. This has caused anxiety issues for me where I fear arousing his temper. He doesn't hit me or call me names. But when I try to stand up to him, he is a master at taking the wind out of my sails. He will rarely apologize, and at the end of every confrontation, I am always left with the feeling that it is actually me who is the problem. If I showed more affection, if I did little things to show my love, if I initiated sex more, if I complimented him, if I stopped living in a fantasy world, things would be better. Every time we have a big discussion about the problems in our relationship, I feel that I am the one who needs to change more.
He is a very critical man who seems to be intolerant of different ways to do things. He will point out ways that he thinks I should do things, and if I don't listen or get angry, he responds with anger. So I try to do things his way and not argue, but it never seems to be enough. When I bring this issue up, the last time in particular, he told me that he criticizes me because he sees me getting stressed out because of doing things the hard way, so when he criticizes me it's because he cares.
He says his love for me is deep and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But I don't know what to do. Am I the problem? Is he the problem? Are we a problem together and we both need work?
I don't know if these problems are even real or if I am impossible to please. Is this how every relationship is and I just have unrealistic expectations? Is my self-esteem so low that I just take everything too personally?
I find myself unable to leave. Often times I want to, but I doubt my reasoning and fear I will regret it, while hurting him in the process.
Do you have any tips for how I can assure myself that these problems are real and not in my head? How can I be sure of a decision moving forward? I have 2 children and my decision is not one to be made lightly and I have to be absolutely sure. What do I do?
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