Hello: I have so many things coming to play here. First, I am an adult survivor of childhood-sexual abuse, so I am always doubting myself. I married my husband after a fourteen year hiatus. I so mistrusted my judgment, that I gave up. I had two previous marriages to alcoholics. I knew that since I had never seen a real marriage, I did not know how a real marriage should look. When I met my current husband I thought I had found my perfect husband. He was a Christian, church-goer, and a widower of a fifty year marriage. I had hit the jackpot. We started to date, it was heaven. But I missed the signs. He fell in love right away, he needed to be married. My concerns were that I was fifty three and he was seventy nine. I was black and he was white. I wanted to be sure he understood what he was getting himself into. I told him first and foremost, I was into ministry and it took up a lot of my time, I was a prayer warrior. And, he would never know his friends and family until he started dating someone from another race. Especially in his age group. We discussed these things at length. He assured me he wanted to continue the relationship. I relaxed to enjoy the ride. Well, his family found out about me, disowned him, put him out of his house and has not spoken to him since. We since have been married two years. I have never met his son or grand-kids. His sister is the only person that has acted human towards me. Now, on to our relationship. Right after our marriage, he started that man as king stuff. "Me, Tarzan, You, Footstool." He would demand his meals at a special time. He said he had always eaten at 5 pm and not a minute less. Once, I was talking on the phone while I fixed dinner, he snatched the phone from my hand and yelled , "This is why you can't get my dinner on the table on time." I laughed in his face. Now there is something I neglected to tell you, since I always felt less than perfect, I have always taken the hardest jobs possible. I have been a police officer, carpenter, kitchen designer, newspaper dist. So, dealing with a hostile man was not a problem He just threw me for a loop, it was unexpected. I was not his slave. After this, we had several more run-ins. He always gets up at 5 am. I don't always get up with him. One morning, he came into our bedroom, snatched the covers off of me, pinned my arm behind me and demanded I get out of bed. That was the last straw. I jumped out of the bed, knocked everything off the dresser, and demanded he leave or I would call the police. I packed the car and sent him to his son's house. It was not two days later that he called crying that his son did not want him there and he did not have anywhere else to go. I told him I would only let him come back if we went to Christian counseling. I made the appointment, we went -- once. Since the one time of physical abuse, he has only be verbally abusive. Any time I find something I want to do; such as a new building project, he will put me down and call me stupid or list the reasons my ideas won't work. I have epilepsy and can't work, so I have been looking for something I can do from home. I like gardening, so I want to increase this idea to organic and sale-able quantities. He has listed in many ways how stupid my idea is and how it will not work. He says all people that think organic is safe are stupid, it is just a way to charge more money. I recognize he is a little boy afraid of losing his mommy's attention. But, it is hard for me to have the constant put-downs. Because of my past abuse, I constantly doubt myself, abilities and outcomes. I don't need to have my, so-called partner confirming my doubt. He is a hard worker, and I realize some of his fear is from his age and the fear of not having money. I have not been able to get disability so we live off of his retirement, even though my doctors have all said I should not be working. I do realize I am making excuses for him, the classic victim position, "I love him, I need him, he didn't mean it, he can change, damn, he did it again." I used to be a police officer for goodness sake. Thanks for listening. Blessings
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Hello: I have so many things coming to play here. First, I am an adult survivor of childhood-sexual abuse, so I am always doubting myself. I married my husband after a fourteen year hiatus. I so mistrusted my judgment, that I gave up. I had two previous marriages to alcoholics. I knew that since I had never seen a real marriage, I did not know how a real marriage should look. When I met my current husband I thought I had found my perfect husband. He was a Christian, church-goer, and a widower of a fifty year marriage. I had hit the jackpot. We started to date, it was heaven. But I missed the signs. He fell in love right away, he needed to be married. My concerns were that I was fifty three and he was seventy nine. I was black and he was white. I wanted to be sure he understood what he was getting himself into. I told him first and foremost, I was into ministry and it took up a lot of my time, I was a prayer warrior. And, he would never know his friends and family until he started dating someone from another race. Especially in his age group. We discussed these things at length. He assured me he wanted to continue the relationship. I relaxed to enjoy the ride. Well, his family found out about me, disowned him, put him out of his house and has not spoken to him since. We since have been married two years. I have never met his son or grand-kids. His sister is the only person that has acted human towards me. Now, on to our relationship. Right after our marriage, he started that man as king stuff. "Me, Tarzan, You, Footstool." He would demand his meals at a special time. He said he had always eaten at 5 pm and not a minute less. Once, I was talking on the phone while I fixed dinner, he snatched the phone from my hand and yelled , "This is why you can't get my dinner on the table on time." I laughed in his face. Now there is something I neglected to tell you, since I always felt less than perfect, I have always taken the hardest jobs possible. I have been a police officer, carpenter, kitchen designer, newspaper dist. So, dealing with a hostile man was not a problem He just threw me for a loop, it was unexpected. I was not his slave. After this, we had several more run-ins. He always gets up at 5 am. I don't always get up with him. One morning, he came into our bedroom, snatched the covers off of me, pinned my arm behind me and demanded I get out of bed. That was the last straw. I jumped out of the bed, knocked everything off the dresser, and demanded he leave or I would call the police. I packed the car and sent him to his son's house. It was not two days later that he called crying that his son did not want him there and he did not have anywhere else to go. I told him I would only let him come back if we went to Christian counseling. I made the appointment, we went -- once. Since the one time of physical abuse, he has only be verbally abusive. Any time I find something I want to do; such as a new building project, he will put me down and call me stupid or list the reasons my ideas won't work. I have epilepsy and can't work, so I have been looking for something I can do from home. I like gardening, so I want to increase this idea to organic and sale-able quantities. He has listed in many ways how stupid my idea is and how it will not work. He says all people that think organic is safe are stupid, it is just a way to charge more money. I recognize he is a little boy afraid of losing his mommy's attention. But, it is hard for me to have the constant put-downs. Because of my past abuse, I constantly doubt myself, abilities and outcomes. I don't need to have my, so-called partner confirming my doubt. He is a hard worker, and I realize some of his fear is from his age and the fear of not having money. I have not been able to get disability so we live off of his retirement, even though my doctors have all said I should not be working. I do realize I am making excuses for him, the classic victim position, "I love him, I need him, he didn't mean it, he can change, damn, he did it again." I used to be a police officer for goodness sake. Thanks for listening. Blessings
August 27, 2015 - 5:57pmThis Comment
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