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I've caught my boyfriend taking care of business on his own before, we are both doctoral students, both also have work schedules and sometimes those schedules don't line up. We've been dating for about a year and about three months ago, I was out in livingroom working on my laptop when I heard tell-tale noises. I listening intently, basically heard the whole thing, waited for him to finish, then walked by the bedroom to casually "use the restroom". I gave him enough time to change his position and hide any visual evidence, but it was pretty obvious what had been happened. At first I was furious: after all, I was 20 feet away in the other room and have NEVER refused sex during our entire relationship. I felt that I was worth more than that. I then read comment after comment online from men stating that this was normal.

I decided to drop the battle, I never discussed it with him except to once ask for the following: taking care of business on his own is my business and has nothing to do with me. How he chooses to do it-as long as its solo-also has nothing to do with me (basically saying that I'm never going to complain if he's a porn viewer), but I do ask that his solo time not get in the way of our together time. Meaning: don't just jerk off to porn all the time and never have energy for me. We agreed, and things were fine.

Until I also caught him taking care of things in bed next to me while I slept.

Ok guys: I'm at his place 3 nights a week, typically. He has four to do this on his own. Doing it in bed next to me is just downright RUDE. First, the fast rapid motion vibrates the bed and wakes me up. From what I've read, it wakes MOST of us women up so stop being so selfish. Second, any thought to the fact that I too might need some "stress" and "tension" release? So basically, you are willing to assume that you are the only one who needs to get some, you are too lazy to go through the additional motions of sex, you don't even have the self-discipline to wait ONE night until I'm back at my place, or even until morning when I'm in the shower AND you are don't care if you wake me up? All because you have to have what you want WHEN you want it?

That doesn't sound like a healthy agreement between couples, that sounds like a selfish guy and women who are taught to accept it.

Sorry, take care of your business WHENEVER YOU WANT but do NOT do it in bed next to me when you think I'm asleep. Tension for me is no easier to sleep through, being turned on for me is just as mentally overwhelming as it is for you, but I've just been conditioned via society to ignore it and you've been conditioning to get down there and start taking care of it.

When it comes to masturbation and porn: it's none of my business. As long as it doesn't involve another woman, or something unhealthy or illegal, I don't care. Have at it. But have the decency of knowing that I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone here and going beyond my female instinct, which is to see that any sexual gratification without me is a sign that I'm not doing my job, and I'm being open enough to realize that my insecurities don't need to be reflected on you. See that I'm already making a huge step and do the same: don't wake me up because you are fapping your brains out and shaking the bed. Wait until I'm not in bed next to you or let me join in.

February 2, 2015 - 8:12am


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