My husband was diagnosed late last winter as a result of his behavior, which has devastated our lives. It was so off-the-wall, so inexplicable, (he spent our funds down to $0, and did not warn me. I had trusted him because he has an MBA, cum laude, from Harvard. I trusted that he was handling our funds with care. I did everything else that required handling. To say he is passive is an understatement. He initiates nothing----as if he has never had an idea in his head. I am responsibile for constructing a life.
Thirty years of marriage to this man has caused me to lose my physical and emotional health. If only I had KNOWN. I could have either learned how to deal with it in a more responsible, reasonable manner, or even chosen to leave. I just thought he was "difficult" and "odd". How many times did I, in total frustration, say to him, "you are the strangest person I've ever known.". That was really helpful (sigh).
What complicated my situation was that shortly after we began living together, and then married 31 years ago, he had brain surgery for a tumor and almost died. After the surgery, he was like a different person, but I thought the physical trauma had caused it, and kept waiting for the man I met and fell in love with to "come back". Of course, he never did. The suave charmer he presented the first 3 months or so was unsustainable for him, and so the man he truly was, an Aspie, appeared. No bonding, no love, no intimacy, no ability to speak of it, and unable to hold a conversation.
That was in 1981. My life since has been one long, lonely and frustrating experience. Just learning about this condition has made a world of difference. I feel much more compassion and less hostility. And I am really looking forward to connecting with others who have lived versions of my story. It's just unbelievable when your partner looks great, speaks well, is very bright, and just adept enough to negotiate brief, surface social situations, to fool those around us. Friends thought I was crazy---surely I must be. After all, he is a charming, nice guy. He is. He is also, unfortunately, a charming, bright shell of a person. He feels no empathy, has no insight, and is very child--like. But, he has a respectable IQ.
The temper tantrums that have come out of nowhere, odd personal habits, disinterest in loving or a physical relationship, let alone an emotional one, have confounded, frustrated, and irritated me. All outsiders could see was the attractive facade. We were in marriage couseling 15 years. I would love to sue the therapist who kept us coming back. Surely he knew. Surely, he could see those classic symptoms of an autism spectrum disorder.
Now broke, and almost broken (but healing!), I'm just beginning to glimpse the comfort to be found in being connected with other women who have lived my story.
While he is not a drinker, Al-anon and therapy for the past 15 months have literally saved my life.
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My husband was diagnosed late last winter as a result of his behavior, which has devastated our lives. It was so off-the-wall, so inexplicable, (he spent our funds down to $0, and did not warn me. I had trusted him because he has an MBA, cum laude, from Harvard. I trusted that he was handling our funds with care. I did everything else that required handling. To say he is passive is an understatement. He initiates nothing----as if he has never had an idea in his head. I am responsibile for constructing a life.
Thirty years of marriage to this man has caused me to lose my physical and emotional health. If only I had KNOWN. I could have either learned how to deal with it in a more responsible, reasonable manner, or even chosen to leave. I just thought he was "difficult" and "odd". How many times did I, in total frustration, say to him, "you are the strangest person I've ever known.". That was really helpful (sigh).
What complicated my situation was that shortly after we began living together, and then married 31 years ago, he had brain surgery for a tumor and almost died. After the surgery, he was like a different person, but I thought the physical trauma had caused it, and kept waiting for the man I met and fell in love with to "come back". Of course, he never did. The suave charmer he presented the first 3 months or so was unsustainable for him, and so the man he truly was, an Aspie, appeared. No bonding, no love, no intimacy, no ability to speak of it, and unable to hold a conversation.
That was in 1981. My life since has been one long, lonely and frustrating experience. Just learning about this condition has made a world of difference. I feel much more compassion and less hostility. And I am really looking forward to connecting with others who have lived versions of my story. It's just unbelievable when your partner looks great, speaks well, is very bright, and just adept enough to negotiate brief, surface social situations, to fool those around us. Friends thought I was crazy---surely I must be. After all, he is a charming, nice guy. He is. He is also, unfortunately, a charming, bright shell of a person. He feels no empathy, has no insight, and is very child--like. But, he has a respectable IQ.
The temper tantrums that have come out of nowhere, odd personal habits, disinterest in loving or a physical relationship, let alone an emotional one, have confounded, frustrated, and irritated me. All outsiders could see was the attractive facade. We were in marriage couseling 15 years. I would love to sue the therapist who kept us coming back. Surely he knew. Surely, he could see those classic symptoms of an autism spectrum disorder.
Now broke, and almost broken (but healing!), I'm just beginning to glimpse the comfort to be found in being connected with other women who have lived my story.
While he is not a drinker, Al-anon and therapy for the past 15 months have literally saved my life.
eskimo
December 6, 2010 - 12:54pmThis Comment
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