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Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Dear Anonymous,
Happy New Year! I've been in what I'd consider a healthy relationship for the past 2 years. My boyfriend and I connect on so many levels I truly feel lost without him. When we first started dating we were intimate within the first month of being together which was July and then by September which was the second time we were physical was the last time we had sex that's 16 months ago now. I never pressured him in the beginning I read all the blogs and such we live together we say our "I love you's" and mean them lot of stress on him his job is not the greatest we struggle financially as I make more than he does and am constantly picking up the slack I am supportive 90% of the time however I haven't cut my hair since may I haven't bought a new bra or pair of shoes since we started dating my work pants have holes in them I get weak because I can't afford to replace them always taking care of us. I know he hates this I don't coddle him I reassure him that what he brings to the table I couldn't make it without. Our bedroom issue I've tried to get him to be intimate he tells me he wants to he says it sincere he has this sad puppy dog look on his face that I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I touch him. I touch him all the time I am constantly showering him with affection he eats it right up but if I make the move towards his penis to play he curls up in a ball looks at me all pathetic and says "babe it won't work" the end I quit trying to touch him I can't stand the pain of him curling up in a ball like I've done something wrong. He's been to the doctor to discuss the issue of "it not working" or so he says... He was on Effexor this time last year, well more like late 2013 he decided to cold turkey come off it. I've never known someone to be so sensitive to medication he withdrew something horrible. He thought that was causing the impotent issues. It was apparent to both of us he needed to be on something he withdrew something horrible treated me pretty bad just very cold and distant completely shut down. I left for a week in July to go to Colorado with my family while I was a away he visited a doctor who put him on Prozac took awhile but seems to have really pulled him from his darkness. We moved to a new place that is "neutral" for the both of us it isn't his apartment that I moved into its our place we are renting together. We both love it here. He went to the doctor mid December which this time he was going to ask her for help more so than just the Prozac with his bedroom issue he came home all upset said he had to see the NP not the doctor she was rude to him refused to help him with his issue because his BP was high and told him to double his BP medicine and come back in two weeks. I was devastated but I didn't tell him I supported him and kept my selfishness of wanting to feel him on me and inside me to myself. Christmas came it's been rough we couldn't afford gifts for one another that really bothered him more than just words you could see it on his face he was truly hurt. He's started a new job a second job to help out with our finances he really loves this job it's exciting to see him feel so full filled with work finally! The job was presented through a contract company was to be a temp job every Saturday and Sunday afternoon which would have been blah but it would have been okay. After his initial phone interview they called him a few days later and wanted him to come to an open house to meet the team and to do a second interview. He wanted nothing to do with it he's so uncomfortable meeting new people it's a wonder we ever had a first date I eventually got him in a place to go he went and he had a blast he came home and just kept talking and talking saying "thank you baby for making me do this, I love you so much" see I know he loves me. They called him and offered him a job but it wasn't the job he interviewed for it was much more they wanted to hire him part time for now but it would be a couple evenings a week and one night on the weekends he loves the work and it's good money he decided to go for it. He had to work last night NYE which was okay I got off work early he was burning up pto time at his other job so I did get to spend time with him before he had to work. He looked so nice when he came down the stairs to go to work I was in awe we scraped up an extra 40 bucks and managed to buy him a new pair of jeans and a couple dress shirts at kohls just wanted him to feel like a million bucks walking in the door his first couple of nights. I don't get to talk to him when he's there they're not allowed to use their phones unless it's an emergency. He sent me a text around 8 last night and said "hey sweets rob said we are going to work until about 2:45 3 I love you I can't wait to come home and snuggle" as he left for work I teased him our last kiss of 2014 and the new year starts with our first kiss when you get home just to assure him I was good. I pretty much just stayed home money is tight I wanted to watch Netflix and such anyway built a fire I made French toast casserole for us to eat today (it's still in the fridge waiting to be put in the oven) I finished up laundry washed our sheets I was very content waiting for him to get home. All night long my phone was being blown up with Facebook notifications friends and family celebrating that my phone eventually died I went to plug it in and where I plug in his tablet was there. I picked it up because I like to play some of the games on his from time to time and I also like to see what he's looking at online it's usually car parts and man stuff always pretty harmless only once early on did he log back onto match.com and pof when we were having some serious issues early on. Serious issues in him being rude to me staring at walls coming off his Effexor. I happened to open up the pictures on this tablet and there was a video it was a porn some big boobed older Asian chick pleasing herself asking all the right questions "do you like it,want to put your dick between my boobs?" My heart instantly sank I could careless about him watching porn if he were intimate with me. I checked to see when this video was downloaded it was December 5, 2014 the day he was going shopping with his sister. So I left for work and he downloaded some porn then went shopping with his sister. I think I'm feeling every emotion quite possible right now. I find it hilarious he's watching this and that's only on tablet who knows what's on his phone he won't put that phone down for nothing it's always at his side. It's hilarious because If we watch a movie with love scenes and what not of its too much he acts offended. I seriously don't know what to do I don't know what to say I don't know how to feel. If it isn't bad enough I've felt pretty insecure lately I'm not a big boobed Asian woman I'm overweight we both are he went and signed up at the gym again I can't right now because I owe them money when I had to stop paying to take care of us. He has a new job. I feel like with this missing piece of our relationship what if he starts going to the gym losing weight has this new job won't need my income and just decides to leave. I told him I was feeling this way and I told him I wanted to go to the gym lose weight too but what if I couldn't keep up or it took me longer than him would he still love me. He just looks at me like I'm crazy and he said that he would love me forever just the way I am and that he needs me more than I will ever know. So do I just leave it at that instead of lying on the couch down here crying probably in the same spot he masterbated to big boobs Asian chick and just be okay with the fact that my boyfriend might not ever want me sexually but he will probably always love me? I miss his touch so much if he only knew... Happy New Year

January 1, 2015 - 7:53am


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