This does sound frustrating. I'm so sorry. From an outsider's perspective, here are my two cents:
1. He told you that "we are done". Did he mean this with actions that he is intending to follow through on, or did he say this out of anger as a threat to end the conversation? If he is done, and does not want to continue counseling, you may still want to continue counseling yourself. If he is not done, and said it out of anger, then he is also using "bullying" techniques and the counselor can definitely help you two in the area of "fair fighting" and "communication".
2. Your husband has go to know that you do not trust him, and you have got to know that your husband is angry and frustrated by this. Asking to see his phone would result in him being mad; I'm sure you predicted that. He could also have predicted that you would want to see his phone/email since he has not gained your trust. Both of these are obvious actions-and-responses, and a counselor can help both of you choose better behaviors in the first place.
3. Him telling you that you are "uninteresting" because of your attitude and weight. That is very hurtful, and harmful, and perhaps was said out of anger that he later regretted. Or, perhaps he is really uninterested in you at the moment. He brought on some of this "attitude" that you undoubtedly have, due to his actions (he had to of known his actions would create specific reactions from you that would not have been pleasant...to say the least!). Anytime weight is brought into the equation, I think that's a cop-out and harmful; I assume he has some physical flaws as well that are unappealing, as ALL people do, and these have nothing to do with the bigger picture of both of your gaining trust, respect, happiness and creating a loving environment.
Both of you have to be willing and able to go through counseling for longer period of time than just one session, and to want to work on your relationship in a positive and healthy manner. He needs to rise to the occasion and not bully you, not act like a child; you will have to learn how to trust him, not bully him either, not play the victim... there are all kinds of roles that you are both falling into (not blaming, as you have every right to feel awful, because it is an awful situation that can be resolved with time).
I hope this helps somewhat, at least to validate your feelings, and to empower you to take the high road and not take on his hurtful words. If counseling is going to work, it has to be with your heart wide open, and you may get hurt, or it may work out. You are not able to control what your husband's heart wants to do, or what his anger responses are, but you can gently tell him that you are trying to trust him, and would appreciate being treated with respect...and you will do the same for him.
Please let us know how you are doing. You said you don't know what to do, but what do you think your options are?
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This does sound frustrating. I'm so sorry. From an outsider's perspective, here are my two cents:
1. He told you that "we are done". Did he mean this with actions that he is intending to follow through on, or did he say this out of anger as a threat to end the conversation? If he is done, and does not want to continue counseling, you may still want to continue counseling yourself. If he is not done, and said it out of anger, then he is also using "bullying" techniques and the counselor can definitely help you two in the area of "fair fighting" and "communication".
2. Your husband has go to know that you do not trust him, and you have got to know that your husband is angry and frustrated by this. Asking to see his phone would result in him being mad; I'm sure you predicted that. He could also have predicted that you would want to see his phone/email since he has not gained your trust. Both of these are obvious actions-and-responses, and a counselor can help both of you choose better behaviors in the first place.
3. Him telling you that you are "uninteresting" because of your attitude and weight. That is very hurtful, and harmful, and perhaps was said out of anger that he later regretted. Or, perhaps he is really uninterested in you at the moment. He brought on some of this "attitude" that you undoubtedly have, due to his actions (he had to of known his actions would create specific reactions from you that would not have been pleasant...to say the least!). Anytime weight is brought into the equation, I think that's a cop-out and harmful; I assume he has some physical flaws as well that are unappealing, as ALL people do, and these have nothing to do with the bigger picture of both of your gaining trust, respect, happiness and creating a loving environment.
Both of you have to be willing and able to go through counseling for longer period of time than just one session, and to want to work on your relationship in a positive and healthy manner. He needs to rise to the occasion and not bully you, not act like a child; you will have to learn how to trust him, not bully him either, not play the victim... there are all kinds of roles that you are both falling into (not blaming, as you have every right to feel awful, because it is an awful situation that can be resolved with time).
I hope this helps somewhat, at least to validate your feelings, and to empower you to take the high road and not take on his hurtful words. If counseling is going to work, it has to be with your heart wide open, and you may get hurt, or it may work out. You are not able to control what your husband's heart wants to do, or what his anger responses are, but you can gently tell him that you are trying to trust him, and would appreciate being treated with respect...and you will do the same for him.
Please let us know how you are doing. You said you don't know what to do, but what do you think your options are?
February 28, 2010 - 6:34pmThis Comment
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