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Anonymous (reply to Dr. Daniel Heller)

My apologizes for the late reply. It's complicated, my parents don't know how I feel, they think I'm fine and whatnot; so to go and see someone, I need their permission. And I've never been to a Psychologist or Counsellor. And I don't drive, I have my license, but I don't drive I really hate driving and I'm scared to drive far on my own. So I don't know where have Psychologist Offices..... My parents won't allow me to travel on my own/take Taxi, they're over-protective of me. Anyway, if I'm to see someone I have to tell my parents and thy don't know how I feel and I'm scared to tell them. And if I tell them then they'll say things like I've nothing to be unhappy about, everything in my life is fine, I'm just looking for attention, etc..... I had an Eating Disorder, Anorexia, for a few years. And they said that I was looking for attention when I wasn't. I just..... I was just like every other girl who wanted to be skinny and pretty and follow those Models and Celebrities who are skinny and pretty, you know? One of my online friends said that I may have depression as well, specifically Dysthymia because I fit most of the symptoms. And have been feeling how I said in my previous letter for almost three years now. But what if I'm just unhappy? I don't know.... I'm just really confused and I just want to feel.... normal. I hate how I feel. When I'm alone my thoughts bombard me and sometimes I just start to cry and sometimes I cry myself to sleep and wish I can die in my sleep.

It's so frustrating and I feel alone most of the times, even though I've a really good relationship with my parents, especially my mum. And it hurts to think about how I've failed for four years. FOUR YEARS!! I forgot what it's like to say, "I passed my Exams!" I feel guilty and wasting my parents money..... I tried to pass my Exams the first two times. The third time I gave up because.... I couldn't. I just had no motivation. I just want things to get better, I want to be on my own two feet, studying something I like, on my own to earning my Degree and not being dependent on my parents. Everyone I know my age are working or in University! Connect with people?! I see myself being alone for the rest of my life. No one seems to like me or wants to be friend...... although my parents say that's because I push people away or refuse to be social. I'm not being difficult, I swear.... I just want this to get better. Everything seems hopeless and I mean.... what is there to live for, huh? Do I even have a reason for living? I come from a Roman Catholic family, we're committed to our faith. But sometimes I say that God don't like me anymore, that he punishes me and he won't...... fix things. Honestly, if I wasn't so scared...... I'll kill myself, I've thought about it so many times and thought of the quickest ways too. I'm so alone and no one knows how I feel and my thoughts won't ever leave me alone. And I feel like I'm failing myself and everyone. Everyone expected me to be a Lawyer! Everyone expected me to have earned my Degree by now! I'm a failure :( What am I supposed to do?

April 18, 2012 - 9:46pm


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