First of all, congrats on your little guy! Having a one year old son is wonderful (I have a three year old son...the older they get, the more fun they are), and I wish for many healthy and happy years for both of you!
I'm glad you found EmpowHer, and as rylons said, you will likely hear from many women, as relationship concerns are truly hurtful and emotionally draining.
There seems to be a few different issues that you are having to deal with, and the first and foremost concern is for you to seek some help and counseling for your past. Are you able to go to a therapist? Negative self-talk and deprecating remarks about yourself will never be a part of a healthy relationship, either with yourself or with your partner. These thoughts are hurtful to your core, and I urge you to see a caring, qualified counselor...as you need to treat your past and current hurts before trying to have a healthy relationship with your husband.
The second issue, and your primary question, is your relationship with your husband. My first reaction was: "he is using his therapy against you". If you do not know how to support him, then there is a communication breakdown somewhere...no one's "fault". As much as we would all love to be able to read our loved one's minds, we simply can't. I am sure your husband's therapist (if s/he is a good one!) gave your husband specific instructions on HOW to ASK for support. It is not fair to anyone to simply say, "You are not supporting me. Look, I have to go to counseling because of it!". This is manipulative and controlling behavior. In a healthy relationship, you would instead hear, "I am having trouble, and my counselor said I need to ask for more support from my loved ones, including myself. The way I need specific support from you includes X, Y and Z". The "X,Y and Z" includes specific behaviors that have a how, when, what, where. The behavior is not illusive or a secret that you need to guess at, it is concrete, specific and descriptive. It is a request. It is not a demand or a command, as you can disagree, decline or negotiate the details.
And, I hope this goes without saying...you need to feel equally supported in the relationship, and be able to use good communication skills (not self-deprecating remarks that can also be seen as manipulative...not that I think you are using them in this way, please know this!) to ASK for support (again...it is not a demand!) in the same specific way to begin a conversation. This is ongoing in a relationship; we all need support, and the type of support changes depending on situation and our needs.
I hope to hear from you again soon! Please let us know if you need help finding a good counselor in your area. You may also find this discussion thread helpful: What effects do childhood abuse have on young adults?.
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Hi,
First of all, congrats on your little guy! Having a one year old son is wonderful (I have a three year old son...the older they get, the more fun they are), and I wish for many healthy and happy years for both of you!
I'm glad you found EmpowHer, and as rylons said, you will likely hear from many women, as relationship concerns are truly hurtful and emotionally draining.
There seems to be a few different issues that you are having to deal with, and the first and foremost concern is for you to seek some help and counseling for your past. Are you able to go to a therapist? Negative self-talk and deprecating remarks about yourself will never be a part of a healthy relationship, either with yourself or with your partner. These thoughts are hurtful to your core, and I urge you to see a caring, qualified counselor...as you need to treat your past and current hurts before trying to have a healthy relationship with your husband.
The second issue, and your primary question, is your relationship with your husband. My first reaction was: "he is using his therapy against you". If you do not know how to support him, then there is a communication breakdown somewhere...no one's "fault". As much as we would all love to be able to read our loved one's minds, we simply can't. I am sure your husband's therapist (if s/he is a good one!) gave your husband specific instructions on HOW to ASK for support. It is not fair to anyone to simply say, "You are not supporting me. Look, I have to go to counseling because of it!". This is manipulative and controlling behavior. In a healthy relationship, you would instead hear, "I am having trouble, and my counselor said I need to ask for more support from my loved ones, including myself. The way I need specific support from you includes X, Y and Z". The "X,Y and Z" includes specific behaviors that have a how, when, what, where. The behavior is not illusive or a secret that you need to guess at, it is concrete, specific and descriptive. It is a request. It is not a demand or a command, as you can disagree, decline or negotiate the details.
And, I hope this goes without saying...you need to feel equally supported in the relationship, and be able to use good communication skills (not self-deprecating remarks that can also be seen as manipulative...not that I think you are using them in this way, please know this!) to ASK for support (again...it is not a demand!) in the same specific way to begin a conversation. This is ongoing in a relationship; we all need support, and the type of support changes depending on situation and our needs.
I hope to hear from you again soon! Please let us know if you need help finding a good counselor in your area. You may also find this discussion thread helpful: What effects do childhood abuse have on young adults?.
September 20, 2009 - 5:41amThis Comment
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