I see this topic is still active so I thought I should add to it only in the hopes of helping others (I googled to find the same sites I was looking at the past few years) who have been where I have been. I realize the absolute panic that sets in when anyone tries to get close to penetration if you are a female (sorry guys, I may not be much help) and I even talked to my Ob-Gyn about it after a few months of marriage had passed and I was still unable to have sex. She suggested they could try small things first and work there way up to bigger sizes of tools that I could try inserting to help ease my fear (much like the advice on here but with a prescription I guess). I declined, figured I would get over it soon and didn't go back. Oddly, I could have a pelvic exam done with just mild anxiety during so anyone I tried to talk to couldn't understand the fear of sex. Most tried to be helpful (it won't hurt at all!) while some were brutally honest (my first time hurt a ton but I got over it eventually) and some just pretended we hadn't talked about it. Just a couple of months ago, 2 months shy of my 5 year anniversary with my husband (he is very loving, patient and understanding, I have picked a winner), I decided we could never have kids if I didn't get over this fear.
As I am studying for a Masters degree in clinical counseling, it occurred to me that this has been discussed several times in my texts regarding certain phobias, including this one, that people can overcome it, they just have to find a reason and be ready. I love my husband and I was tired of not doing "normal" married couple things in that regard. I wanted to have a family and there is only one way to make babies (although we have looked at adopting and foster care) and when it came down to it, I was tired of being afraid.
So for those who keep getting advice on how to get over it, let me just tell you what actually happened and maybe it will help or at least give you hope. He was gaming online with some of our best friends in another state and took a break to cook dinner. Dinner had about 30 minutes to cook and I had been looking at pictures of my 3 God Daughters and thought to myself, yup I want that, and my hubby is in the kitchen cooking me dinner, what girl doesn't want that? So I internally told myself we were going to suck it up, if it was as painful as some said, well, then I would consider it practice for birthing a baby. I then said "So like 30 minutes? Is that long enough to have sex?" He didn't even look up and said "Yeah", he is used to my millions of questions about sex (ask your partner questions, share your fear, only they can help make you comfortable enough to have sex with them). "Lets go then" and I grabbed his hand, walked into the room and stripped down. He actually responded with "Shut up" because he thought I was kidding. Once he realized I wasn't and we both were ready for the actual moment, he talked me through it! The right partner really does help ladies.
He told me to relax my thighs and other parts because clenching the muscles might make it hurt. I relaxed as best I could and once the scary part (penetration) happened, I kid you not I said "Oh..is that all?" Again, thankfully I have a wonderful hubby who knew it was a commentary on the act itself and not about him. He laughed and said "Yes". Now, there are times since when it has been sore or pinched because my body (and yours will do the same!) is getting used to this happening at different times with varying styles/speeds (I'd rather over share then not help someone!) and I just inhale sharply (like when you stub your toe) and then the discomfort eases or at least becomes more enjoyable and less on the painful side, it never actually hurts, if that makes sense. Also, being OCD, I was worried about blood, there was none but I put a towel down anyway.
Moral of the very long story, if I can overcome this at age 32 and after almost 5 years of marriage then no one should despair. It will be ok, you just have to find the time when you are ready. Talk to your partner. Only the two of you will be able to create the safe, loving setting you need for this fear to subside.
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I see this topic is still active so I thought I should add to it only in the hopes of helping others (I googled to find the same sites I was looking at the past few years) who have been where I have been. I realize the absolute panic that sets in when anyone tries to get close to penetration if you are a female (sorry guys, I may not be much help) and I even talked to my Ob-Gyn about it after a few months of marriage had passed and I was still unable to have sex. She suggested they could try small things first and work there way up to bigger sizes of tools that I could try inserting to help ease my fear (much like the advice on here but with a prescription I guess). I declined, figured I would get over it soon and didn't go back. Oddly, I could have a pelvic exam done with just mild anxiety during so anyone I tried to talk to couldn't understand the fear of sex. Most tried to be helpful (it won't hurt at all!) while some were brutally honest (my first time hurt a ton but I got over it eventually) and some just pretended we hadn't talked about it. Just a couple of months ago, 2 months shy of my 5 year anniversary with my husband (he is very loving, patient and understanding, I have picked a winner), I decided we could never have kids if I didn't get over this fear.
As I am studying for a Masters degree in clinical counseling, it occurred to me that this has been discussed several times in my texts regarding certain phobias, including this one, that people can overcome it, they just have to find a reason and be ready. I love my husband and I was tired of not doing "normal" married couple things in that regard. I wanted to have a family and there is only one way to make babies (although we have looked at adopting and foster care) and when it came down to it, I was tired of being afraid.
So for those who keep getting advice on how to get over it, let me just tell you what actually happened and maybe it will help or at least give you hope. He was gaming online with some of our best friends in another state and took a break to cook dinner. Dinner had about 30 minutes to cook and I had been looking at pictures of my 3 God Daughters and thought to myself, yup I want that, and my hubby is in the kitchen cooking me dinner, what girl doesn't want that? So I internally told myself we were going to suck it up, if it was as painful as some said, well, then I would consider it practice for birthing a baby. I then said "So like 30 minutes? Is that long enough to have sex?" He didn't even look up and said "Yeah", he is used to my millions of questions about sex (ask your partner questions, share your fear, only they can help make you comfortable enough to have sex with them). "Lets go then" and I grabbed his hand, walked into the room and stripped down. He actually responded with "Shut up" because he thought I was kidding. Once he realized I wasn't and we both were ready for the actual moment, he talked me through it! The right partner really does help ladies.
He told me to relax my thighs and other parts because clenching the muscles might make it hurt. I relaxed as best I could and once the scary part (penetration) happened, I kid you not I said "Oh..is that all?" Again, thankfully I have a wonderful hubby who knew it was a commentary on the act itself and not about him. He laughed and said "Yes". Now, there are times since when it has been sore or pinched because my body (and yours will do the same!) is getting used to this happening at different times with varying styles/speeds (I'd rather over share then not help someone!) and I just inhale sharply (like when you stub your toe) and then the discomfort eases or at least becomes more enjoyable and less on the painful side, it never actually hurts, if that makes sense. Also, being OCD, I was worried about blood, there was none but I put a towel down anyway.
Moral of the very long story, if I can overcome this at age 32 and after almost 5 years of marriage then no one should despair. It will be ok, you just have to find the time when you are ready. Talk to your partner. Only the two of you will be able to create the safe, loving setting you need for this fear to subside.
November 10, 2014 - 10:39amThis Comment
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