Ida, I just want to say that making an appointment with your therapist is probably the smartest thing you could ever do. What you need here is an objective third voice, one that is not yours and not your boyfriend's. Will the two of you go to the counselor together, or is the appointment just for you? Either way, I can't think of anything better for you to have done.
Your relationship is going to need some overhaul if each of you is going to feel comfortable and trusting again. He got hurt when you cheated; you got hurt when he had other girlfriends, or when he masturbates to porn. While you say that everything else is fine, I wonder if you really feel that's true. It may seem fine on the outside, but it may seem kind of hollow to you if the core of the relationship is still troubled.
Two years ago may seem like a long time, but it's not that long when someone cheated on you. There's no time frame for how long it takes someone to heal from that. (And I purposely did not say "for someone to get over it," because I don't think you ever truly get over it, but maybe you can heal it and move forward.) It might take another two years. It might take five years. The basic trust was broken, and there's something very real in your boyfriend's voice when he told you that it might never be the same.
He has wounded self-confidence. You have wounded self-confidence. But what you need to move on may not be what he needs. You may need closeness, and he may need distance. Men and women can be quite a bit different in that way. And no one can force another person to be close when they aren't feeling it.
Go to the therapist, and be brutally honest, with the therapist and with yourself. It just might be the first step back to everything you want. And please feel free to come back and update us here.
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Ida, I just want to say that making an appointment with your therapist is probably the smartest thing you could ever do. What you need here is an objective third voice, one that is not yours and not your boyfriend's. Will the two of you go to the counselor together, or is the appointment just for you? Either way, I can't think of anything better for you to have done.
Your relationship is going to need some overhaul if each of you is going to feel comfortable and trusting again. He got hurt when you cheated; you got hurt when he had other girlfriends, or when he masturbates to porn. While you say that everything else is fine, I wonder if you really feel that's true. It may seem fine on the outside, but it may seem kind of hollow to you if the core of the relationship is still troubled.
Two years ago may seem like a long time, but it's not that long when someone cheated on you. There's no time frame for how long it takes someone to heal from that. (And I purposely did not say "for someone to get over it," because I don't think you ever truly get over it, but maybe you can heal it and move forward.) It might take another two years. It might take five years. The basic trust was broken, and there's something very real in your boyfriend's voice when he told you that it might never be the same.
He has wounded self-confidence. You have wounded self-confidence. But what you need to move on may not be what he needs. You may need closeness, and he may need distance. Men and women can be quite a bit different in that way. And no one can force another person to be close when they aren't feeling it.
Go to the therapist, and be brutally honest, with the therapist and with yourself. It just might be the first step back to everything you want. And please feel free to come back and update us here.
June 26, 2009 - 8:38amThis Comment
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