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Anonymous

Wow. I can't believe all the similar situations posted here. I have been married for 6 years and have been dealing with the same issue ever since we said "I Do". In my case, my husband and I have talked extensively about the subject along with counseling and a month separation, etc.

It all has boiled down to the fact that he finds my body unattractive at the weight I am and was when we were married - the top side of the Dr recommended weight for my height. (People I know and strangers alike compliment me daily and find me attractive.) His window of perfection is so narrow that I don't even want to try to fit into it! After much battering of and battles with my own self esteem, countless therapy sessions and God's help in seeing this to be his problem I have come to the point where I have to make the difficult decision to either wait out his immaturity and hope he finds the way to "expand his window" or, I have to leave the one I love to let him grow on his own so that I can be happy and have a relationship that I deserve with someone who will appreciate me for who and what I am and not who or what I could become.

I have felt many times that in order to avoid being the "bad guy" and just admitting his problem with my weight and filing for divorce he has definitely tried to make this something I should change to make our marriage better and ultimitely force me to do the "dirty work" of filing for divorce and being the one to leave and give up on our marriage.

As a side note. . . I have two gorgeous, thin, married friends who have similar complaints about their husbands never wanting sex either! I can honestly say that this baffles me on their behalf as well as frustrates them to no end. My only guess for this in their relationships (because as far as I can tell the problem didn't start because they were bitchy, nags, etc) Is the possibility that porn/playboy/tv/etc have robbed them of the ability to compete for their husbands admiration with all the fantasy and no need for effort on the man's part to actually initiate sex or work on a relationship. One website said that Porn actually neuters a man! (This has also played a role in my relationship) . . .

When did it become so difficult for a man to give the woman he supposedly "loves" a freakin compliment???!!!

So, anywayz. . . just wanted to tell you all what I have come to realize - you and I deserve better and it's up to us to demand it and make it happen. No one else is going to make the decision for you. Only those of us who have been through it can understand the heartache and nights of crying and wondering exactly what went wrong where. But ultimately our happiness depends on us. I am the only one that can change my situation and ask myself what am I honestly willing to live with or give up at what price? When I look back on my own life I will have no one to blame for the choices I have made so i'd better be comfortable with the decisions I'm making right now.

As of right now, I have given my H from 2/14/9 until 2/14/10 to show some drastic improvement in the way he treats me to show me he loves me so that I can make a better informed decision about where this has been and where it is going. If I have to walk away, I will know that it wasn't because I didn't try or wasn't patient enough.

Is it because he doesn't love me enough? Or rather that I don't love him enough to deal with this anymore? Either way. . . It seems the result will be the same. Not one more to blame than the other. Just two poeple who care more about themselves than the other. Am I being too gullible to believe that just maybe there is someone out there that might be able to love me as much as I love him and that we'd both come to love each other more than ourselves??? Is it possible in a world where so many are so scarred and hurt and afraid to love by the time they are even an adult? These are the sad questions of a late-night poster, seeking answers yet expecting none. . . =}

Makes you just wanna cling to your dysfuntional relationship - like Kelly Clarkson says - You're messed up but I'm pretty messed up too! All goes back to deciding what you're willing to live with at what cost. =D

September 24, 2009 - 11:56pm

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