Hmmm, Im struggling with this thread- its sent me into a state of confusion wondering about things I thought I had emotionally "sorted". Although Im angry with myself for this, I think I need to step up for a moment and try and give a little of the male perspective (although gosh, Im not sure I understand it at all.) Ive been married for nearly 13 years now. My husband and I have struggled with severely mismatched sex drives for our whole married life. It is and EXTREMELY complex issue. It makes me really sad to read a lot of the posts above, because I can look back on the last decade, and see how intensely painful it has been for me. Ive left a post above (which is a bit negative and acerbic actually, so probably best ignored) Knowing that many of you are only just starting out on this road makes me ache for you all, knowing the pain, self doubt, crushing low self esteem and utter loneliness you will feel if you choose to stick at your marriage with a partner that has no interest in sex.
After 13 years, Ive been through many stages, and a dear friend who is a counsellor describes it very aptly I think. She encourages women to look on the lack of sexual intimacy in their marriages as a bit like bereavement. You may encounter many of the same feeling of anger, helplessness, guilt, blame etc. Often, as women (the worlds fixers) we obsess on how we can change what is happening. Its a type of "right! We're not having sex and I want to have sex, therefor something is wrong. If something is wrong, we need to talk about it so we can find out how to fix it. Once we have analysed, talked and deconstructed the problem to death, we will start having fabulous sex again." We cant help it - as women, thats just the way we are. There are a few points worth gold dust though that all women NEED to learn and need to ACCEPT.
1) Men are not the hormonally driven, sex addicts that we are led to believe. You may be lucky enough to be married to one, but most men past the age of 19 dont think about sex every two minutes, and want oral se at any given opportunity. Sadly, they get just as excited about cars, gadgets, world politic....whatever it is he happens to be in to. Projecting an image of Don Juan on to all men because thats what you believe men to be like is wrong, unfair and a bit insulting.
2) Most of the time when a marriage has a problem, men just DONT want to talk about it. They know its there, they can see how hurt you are, they kind-a know they need to do something about it, but actually, they just dont wanna talk about it because they just dont have the emotional stamina we do.
It is truly the HARDEST thing to do, but none of the women above will make any progress with their men until they just stop. Stand still for a moment. Stop obsessing about it. Have a hot bath, stick on something comfortable for bed, climb into it, give your husband a cuddle, and just be. Just lay there and just forget all about the panic in your head and the aching in your loins, For just a little while, just let it go. If your husband relaxes enough and stops feeling challenged and pressured by you, he may well start the conversation himself. If he doesnt, just give him more time. Can you honestly say that you have tried to just let it go for a month, two months, three? I bet the longest any of you have lasted without confrinting hubby about "your problems"is a couple of weeks at the most. Just let go and see if he eventually comes to you - even if it takes six months it always works in the end.
3) THere is another gem I need to pass on. Men KNOW that you are feeling horny and need to have sex. They KNOW that you are hurting and they KNOW that you feel angry, hurt and betrayed. Its a no brainer. Just the feeling of the gentle anger you are exuding without even talking is making them feel uncomfortable and pressured. You on the other hand are obsessed with the fact that hubby doesnt want you because you're not sexy enough, dont try hard enough, dont have sexy enough underwear, have big thighs etc etc etc. The combination of these two things is LETHAL. You will go and buy a load of black lacy lingerie and try and set the mood for hubby. Hubby will come home and be faced with a horny wife who really wants to have sex and has gone to loads of effort and expense to set the mood. Hubby on the other hand is feeling totally pressured, totally stressed out by it all, and frankly a bit turned off becuase rather than the soft loving person he married you've turned into a predatory imitation of Jordan on a bad day, and oh my god those hideous stockings so dont suit your rather chubby thighs. All that will happen is that his "manhood" will shrivel and run for the hills in fear. He'll feel like a failure and get aggressive with you, you'll get all upset and break down in tears because you went to so much effort and you are now convinced that your husband thinks you are the second most repulsive thing next to predator, and the whole vicious circle begins again. The natural conclusion when this cycle reaches its most destructive point, is divorce. If you love your husband, see that this is happening and have the strength to break the cycle.
4) PLEASE learn this point. DONT ask questions you dont want to hear an honest answer to. When you lean across the table, grab your husbands hand and say "Do you still find me sexy, what is wrong with me are you bored or something?" what you are really saying is "Oh god, I hurt so much. I need to know you still love and find me sexy because you mean everythign to me - please give me some affirmation so that I can get through the next few days." Notice that these two sentences are VERY different, so even though you may be saying one thing, you actually mean another. Its TRUE. We all do it! Don be hurt and shocked if your husband pauses for a while and says "actually I am a bit bored if Im honest. As a man, I LIKE the thought of being with lots of women but knowing we are married now and that isnt an option for me is kinda hard..."
IF you had been asking the question honestly and were prepared for the anser, you would take the answer in a grown up way and deal with it. Because hoever you were asking the questino for a wee confidence boost and you have been given an anser that provides the exact opposite, you are now just feeling even more crap than ever and once you re-emerge from the awfulness of it all you'll probably go out and buy loads of sexy underwear to try and reignite the passion and oh dear....here we go again!
5) Even though its your husband that has stopped wanting to have sex, have the courage to be honest with yourself. It may be your problem as much or more than his, or belive it or not it may be nothing at all to do with you. LIke a rabit caught in the headlights, men will always tell you things are your fault because they have usually been put on the spot and just dont know what else to say. In the absence of anything else, they may think blaming you is a good tack to take because it buys them some time. Understand that sometimes when you ask a man what is wrong and he says "I dunno"....he really means it - he honestly doesnt know.
Urgh......enough woman. Im sorry this sounds like a rant, but I suppose this a subject very close to my heart because its dominated my life for the last decade and a half almost. Im a world expert on the husband who doesnt want sex. You know, the sad irony of it all is that my husband has just been diagnosed with bi polar disorder. He suffers from really bad depression and I was so wrapped up in trying to be sexy for him that I didnt even see it. He was a bit bored with our sex life, and he didnt find me as sexy as I was at 18 because of all the weight I put on and the stretch marks and sagging from our baby. He did feel a bit trapped by being married, and he did feel pressured by me sexually......but in the end, all those things were miniscule in the equation and really didnt account for anything. His depression and stress is the thing that makes him disinterested in sex, and now that I have found the courage to support him in dealing with that rather than telling him off for letting me down, we have discovered a new life together. Im not going to lie and say that I dont long for passion, intimacy and eroticism, because I truly do because Im a very tactile, passionate and sexual person. On the other hand, Ive also discovered that my husband misses it too although he feels differently about it. By realising that we are both missing out and not laying blame on each other, we have become very close friends instead of lovers. Its not better or worse, its different but still just as valuable. I have times when I see young couples together being passionate, or films and things on tv that are a bit emotionally tricky to watch because they show me what Im missing, but in the end, marriage is about supporting each other and learning to love each other through the bad time and the dissapointments. Im realistic about our life. I know that at the age of fourty, things are never going to change now. Ive accepted that the rest of our lives will probably be spent in celibacy, and that I wont have the pleasure of having more children now. Ill probably never know again what it is to be kissed and caressed with the desperate urgency of real passion, and just thinking about it brings me to tears BUT I am married to a person that I would happily die for if I had to. He is a kind, giving intelligent and loving man and I know now that I have given him the gift of love rather than persecuting him for not giving me enough. That means a lot to us both and we're on the road to finding a way of dealing with it. If you dont imagine that you can live the rest of your married life without sex or only having sex maybe once or twice a year, then for your own sake and that of your husband have the strength to be honest and say "honey, I love you so much, but our life isnt working for me - I need more than you can give me and rather than spend the next 30 years blaming you for a life you couldn't give me, I think its time we admit that we need to move on and go our own way." It sounds harsh, but you must realise that sometimes tha answer is not always going to be the outcome you want.
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Hmmm, Im struggling with this thread- its sent me into a state of confusion wondering about things I thought I had emotionally "sorted". Although Im angry with myself for this, I think I need to step up for a moment and try and give a little of the male perspective (although gosh, Im not sure I understand it at all.) Ive been married for nearly 13 years now. My husband and I have struggled with severely mismatched sex drives for our whole married life. It is and EXTREMELY complex issue. It makes me really sad to read a lot of the posts above, because I can look back on the last decade, and see how intensely painful it has been for me. Ive left a post above (which is a bit negative and acerbic actually, so probably best ignored) Knowing that many of you are only just starting out on this road makes me ache for you all, knowing the pain, self doubt, crushing low self esteem and utter loneliness you will feel if you choose to stick at your marriage with a partner that has no interest in sex.
After 13 years, Ive been through many stages, and a dear friend who is a counsellor describes it very aptly I think. She encourages women to look on the lack of sexual intimacy in their marriages as a bit like bereavement. You may encounter many of the same feeling of anger, helplessness, guilt, blame etc. Often, as women (the worlds fixers) we obsess on how we can change what is happening. Its a type of "right! We're not having sex and I want to have sex, therefor something is wrong. If something is wrong, we need to talk about it so we can find out how to fix it. Once we have analysed, talked and deconstructed the problem to death, we will start having fabulous sex again." We cant help it - as women, thats just the way we are. There are a few points worth gold dust though that all women NEED to learn and need to ACCEPT.
1) Men are not the hormonally driven, sex addicts that we are led to believe. You may be lucky enough to be married to one, but most men past the age of 19 dont think about sex every two minutes, and want oral se at any given opportunity. Sadly, they get just as excited about cars, gadgets, world politic....whatever it is he happens to be in to. Projecting an image of Don Juan on to all men because thats what you believe men to be like is wrong, unfair and a bit insulting.
2) Most of the time when a marriage has a problem, men just DONT want to talk about it. They know its there, they can see how hurt you are, they kind-a know they need to do something about it, but actually, they just dont wanna talk about it because they just dont have the emotional stamina we do.
It is truly the HARDEST thing to do, but none of the women above will make any progress with their men until they just stop. Stand still for a moment. Stop obsessing about it. Have a hot bath, stick on something comfortable for bed, climb into it, give your husband a cuddle, and just be. Just lay there and just forget all about the panic in your head and the aching in your loins, For just a little while, just let it go. If your husband relaxes enough and stops feeling challenged and pressured by you, he may well start the conversation himself. If he doesnt, just give him more time. Can you honestly say that you have tried to just let it go for a month, two months, three? I bet the longest any of you have lasted without confrinting hubby about "your problems"is a couple of weeks at the most. Just let go and see if he eventually comes to you - even if it takes six months it always works in the end.
3) THere is another gem I need to pass on. Men KNOW that you are feeling horny and need to have sex. They KNOW that you are hurting and they KNOW that you feel angry, hurt and betrayed. Its a no brainer. Just the feeling of the gentle anger you are exuding without even talking is making them feel uncomfortable and pressured. You on the other hand are obsessed with the fact that hubby doesnt want you because you're not sexy enough, dont try hard enough, dont have sexy enough underwear, have big thighs etc etc etc. The combination of these two things is LETHAL. You will go and buy a load of black lacy lingerie and try and set the mood for hubby. Hubby will come home and be faced with a horny wife who really wants to have sex and has gone to loads of effort and expense to set the mood. Hubby on the other hand is feeling totally pressured, totally stressed out by it all, and frankly a bit turned off becuase rather than the soft loving person he married you've turned into a predatory imitation of Jordan on a bad day, and oh my god those hideous stockings so dont suit your rather chubby thighs. All that will happen is that his "manhood" will shrivel and run for the hills in fear. He'll feel like a failure and get aggressive with you, you'll get all upset and break down in tears because you went to so much effort and you are now convinced that your husband thinks you are the second most repulsive thing next to predator, and the whole vicious circle begins again. The natural conclusion when this cycle reaches its most destructive point, is divorce. If you love your husband, see that this is happening and have the strength to break the cycle.
4) PLEASE learn this point. DONT ask questions you dont want to hear an honest answer to. When you lean across the table, grab your husbands hand and say "Do you still find me sexy, what is wrong with me are you bored or something?" what you are really saying is "Oh god, I hurt so much. I need to know you still love and find me sexy because you mean everythign to me - please give me some affirmation so that I can get through the next few days." Notice that these two sentences are VERY different, so even though you may be saying one thing, you actually mean another. Its TRUE. We all do it! Don be hurt and shocked if your husband pauses for a while and says "actually I am a bit bored if Im honest. As a man, I LIKE the thought of being with lots of women but knowing we are married now and that isnt an option for me is kinda hard..."
IF you had been asking the question honestly and were prepared for the anser, you would take the answer in a grown up way and deal with it. Because hoever you were asking the questino for a wee confidence boost and you have been given an anser that provides the exact opposite, you are now just feeling even more crap than ever and once you re-emerge from the awfulness of it all you'll probably go out and buy loads of sexy underwear to try and reignite the passion and oh dear....here we go again!
5) Even though its your husband that has stopped wanting to have sex, have the courage to be honest with yourself. It may be your problem as much or more than his, or belive it or not it may be nothing at all to do with you. LIke a rabit caught in the headlights, men will always tell you things are your fault because they have usually been put on the spot and just dont know what else to say. In the absence of anything else, they may think blaming you is a good tack to take because it buys them some time. Understand that sometimes when you ask a man what is wrong and he says "I dunno"....he really means it - he honestly doesnt know.
Urgh......enough woman. Im sorry this sounds like a rant, but I suppose this a subject very close to my heart because its dominated my life for the last decade and a half almost. Im a world expert on the husband who doesnt want sex. You know, the sad irony of it all is that my husband has just been diagnosed with bi polar disorder. He suffers from really bad depression and I was so wrapped up in trying to be sexy for him that I didnt even see it. He was a bit bored with our sex life, and he didnt find me as sexy as I was at 18 because of all the weight I put on and the stretch marks and sagging from our baby. He did feel a bit trapped by being married, and he did feel pressured by me sexually......but in the end, all those things were miniscule in the equation and really didnt account for anything. His depression and stress is the thing that makes him disinterested in sex, and now that I have found the courage to support him in dealing with that rather than telling him off for letting me down, we have discovered a new life together. Im not going to lie and say that I dont long for passion, intimacy and eroticism, because I truly do because Im a very tactile, passionate and sexual person. On the other hand, Ive also discovered that my husband misses it too although he feels differently about it. By realising that we are both missing out and not laying blame on each other, we have become very close friends instead of lovers. Its not better or worse, its different but still just as valuable. I have times when I see young couples together being passionate, or films and things on tv that are a bit emotionally tricky to watch because they show me what Im missing, but in the end, marriage is about supporting each other and learning to love each other through the bad time and the dissapointments. Im realistic about our life. I know that at the age of fourty, things are never going to change now. Ive accepted that the rest of our lives will probably be spent in celibacy, and that I wont have the pleasure of having more children now. Ill probably never know again what it is to be kissed and caressed with the desperate urgency of real passion, and just thinking about it brings me to tears BUT I am married to a person that I would happily die for if I had to. He is a kind, giving intelligent and loving man and I know now that I have given him the gift of love rather than persecuting him for not giving me enough. That means a lot to us both and we're on the road to finding a way of dealing with it. If you dont imagine that you can live the rest of your married life without sex or only having sex maybe once or twice a year, then for your own sake and that of your husband have the strength to be honest and say "honey, I love you so much, but our life isnt working for me - I need more than you can give me and rather than spend the next 30 years blaming you for a life you couldn't give me, I think its time we admit that we need to move on and go our own way." It sounds harsh, but you must realise that sometimes tha answer is not always going to be the outcome you want.
August 4, 2009 - 3:21amThis Comment
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