Dear DiW,
Oh dear. its depressing to hear your story because you're just starting out on this road. Ive been married for 13 years now, and it all started to go wrong for us in exactly the same way, as soon as I moved in with my husband. You will spend the next few years going through emotional hell. Coping with a partner who doesnt feel sexual towards you is a lot like dealing with a type of bereavement. You will find that over the next few years (if you decide to stick at it) you will go through numerous phases. You will blame yourself first. It'll be your weight, your clothes, your approach...basically, anything you can think of to blame yourself. Every now and then you'll try and pull yourself together and you'll go and buy sexy underwear or do whatever you can to try and jolt your husband back into a sexual relationship with you. No doubt he will find ways to blame you, deflecting the feelings of guilt he has himself, and this cycle will no doubt keep repeating itself until you are left with no control at all over your marriage, no self confidence, and no sex life. You'll find yourself accepting grateful hugs from family members and friends because it just feels so good to be touched by someone even if its in a platonic way. Eventually, you will realise that all the platitudes that get sent your way by well meaning others (who offer advice but frnakly have NO IDEA at all what living this hell is like) mean nothing at all. The crap about "its not your fault, its him not you, your are beautiful and normal...etc etc etc" do nothing to help your self esteem as it trickles down the plughole. PLEASE take my advise and do one of the following.
1) Get couples sex counciling NOW. As you've been married for such a short time, its possible that it can all be fixed and whatever the problem is (and its likely to be something completly unrelated to sex) can be sorted out and you may stand a chance of living a wonderful life together. My husband would not entertain the idea, which is why Ive ended up where I am. Be really strong. THreaten to leave is he doesnt go - you HAVE to give it a try. 2) Take the piss or get off the pot approach. Sit yourself down and be HONEST with yourself. Ask yourself the question "Can I live in a sexless marriage? Is my love for my husband greater than my need for sex?" If the answer is yes, then brace yourself. You have some very tough years of abstainance ahead. For your own sanity you will have to condition yourself to not want sex so that over time, it ceases to be an issue. If you cant live in a sexless marriage, its time to re-evaluate your life. Leave your marriage now before the years together make it harder to do. In my opinion, choosing a sexless marriage but having an affair to quench your sexual desire is not an option, but it may be for you. Think about it, and be honest with yourself and what you think you are capable of. 3) If you choose to stick with your husband and back off sexually (over the years you will realise that trying to initiate sex or even talk about the lack of it will cause arguments and you are far better off avoiding the whole subject) you need to have a plan to rebuild your life. If this is what you choose, you need to lay down a plan that will help you rebuild your self esteem and your SELF as a whole. THis is the hardest bit. If you are going without sex for the sake of the person you love (for whatever reason) realise that you deserve a treat. Get a gym membership (exercise is a great way to help squash your libido - you work out all the frustration that builds up) go get your hair done regularly. Dress well for YOURSELF ( remember you no longer have to please him or dress to turn him on. You can dress the way YOU want to.) Go to the theatre, learn to grow in ways that please you. Basically, its about learning to like yourself again once someone has made you feel two inches tall. Believe it or not, its the hardest part, even harder than living without passion, sex, eroticism and touch. You will get there in the end. You will never stop mourning what you have lost. You will never stop feeling like you will cry every time you see a couple in love who want to touch each other, and want to show each other physical affection BUT what you will have is a marriage that isnt ina state of constant fighting, upset and trauma, and you also stand a really good chance of having a unique relationship with your husband that is based on a weird kind of friendship and trust. Sometimes, the therapists banging on and on and on about "talking about it" isnt the way to go. Maybe your husband loves you for who you are. Maybe he isnt attracted to you that much sexually, maybe you dont make his knees go weak, and maybe he's bored of seeing you maked and just doesnt find it a turn on anymore. That sadly is the harsh reality of it, but is it really the end of the world? You are the only one that can decide that. If it is, get a divorce now and save yourself the heartache of the next ten years.
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Dear DiW,
July 29, 2009 - 7:57amOh dear. its depressing to hear your story because you're just starting out on this road. Ive been married for 13 years now, and it all started to go wrong for us in exactly the same way, as soon as I moved in with my husband. You will spend the next few years going through emotional hell. Coping with a partner who doesnt feel sexual towards you is a lot like dealing with a type of bereavement. You will find that over the next few years (if you decide to stick at it) you will go through numerous phases. You will blame yourself first. It'll be your weight, your clothes, your approach...basically, anything you can think of to blame yourself. Every now and then you'll try and pull yourself together and you'll go and buy sexy underwear or do whatever you can to try and jolt your husband back into a sexual relationship with you. No doubt he will find ways to blame you, deflecting the feelings of guilt he has himself, and this cycle will no doubt keep repeating itself until you are left with no control at all over your marriage, no self confidence, and no sex life. You'll find yourself accepting grateful hugs from family members and friends because it just feels so good to be touched by someone even if its in a platonic way. Eventually, you will realise that all the platitudes that get sent your way by well meaning others (who offer advice but frnakly have NO IDEA at all what living this hell is like) mean nothing at all. The crap about "its not your fault, its him not you, your are beautiful and normal...etc etc etc" do nothing to help your self esteem as it trickles down the plughole. PLEASE take my advise and do one of the following.
1) Get couples sex counciling NOW. As you've been married for such a short time, its possible that it can all be fixed and whatever the problem is (and its likely to be something completly unrelated to sex) can be sorted out and you may stand a chance of living a wonderful life together. My husband would not entertain the idea, which is why Ive ended up where I am. Be really strong. THreaten to leave is he doesnt go - you HAVE to give it a try. 2) Take the piss or get off the pot approach. Sit yourself down and be HONEST with yourself. Ask yourself the question "Can I live in a sexless marriage? Is my love for my husband greater than my need for sex?" If the answer is yes, then brace yourself. You have some very tough years of abstainance ahead. For your own sanity you will have to condition yourself to not want sex so that over time, it ceases to be an issue. If you cant live in a sexless marriage, its time to re-evaluate your life. Leave your marriage now before the years together make it harder to do. In my opinion, choosing a sexless marriage but having an affair to quench your sexual desire is not an option, but it may be for you. Think about it, and be honest with yourself and what you think you are capable of. 3) If you choose to stick with your husband and back off sexually (over the years you will realise that trying to initiate sex or even talk about the lack of it will cause arguments and you are far better off avoiding the whole subject) you need to have a plan to rebuild your life. If this is what you choose, you need to lay down a plan that will help you rebuild your self esteem and your SELF as a whole. THis is the hardest bit. If you are going without sex for the sake of the person you love (for whatever reason) realise that you deserve a treat. Get a gym membership (exercise is a great way to help squash your libido - you work out all the frustration that builds up) go get your hair done regularly. Dress well for YOURSELF ( remember you no longer have to please him or dress to turn him on. You can dress the way YOU want to.) Go to the theatre, learn to grow in ways that please you. Basically, its about learning to like yourself again once someone has made you feel two inches tall. Believe it or not, its the hardest part, even harder than living without passion, sex, eroticism and touch. You will get there in the end. You will never stop mourning what you have lost. You will never stop feeling like you will cry every time you see a couple in love who want to touch each other, and want to show each other physical affection BUT what you will have is a marriage that isnt ina state of constant fighting, upset and trauma, and you also stand a really good chance of having a unique relationship with your husband that is based on a weird kind of friendship and trust. Sometimes, the therapists banging on and on and on about "talking about it" isnt the way to go. Maybe your husband loves you for who you are. Maybe he isnt attracted to you that much sexually, maybe you dont make his knees go weak, and maybe he's bored of seeing you maked and just doesnt find it a turn on anymore. That sadly is the harsh reality of it, but is it really the end of the world? You are the only one that can decide that. If it is, get a divorce now and save yourself the heartache of the next ten years.
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