I'm sorry you are going through this, and Diane gave you some great advice.
I have another perspective to add: Don't Believe Everything You Think. In a few short paragraphs, you have communicated in a way that is called in the psychology world, "Twisted Patterns of Thinking", and I think you are going to continue being hurt and sad if you don't change direction, first! (for example: "jumping to conclusions" would be "he has no desire for me"; "labeling" would be your feeling "repulsive"; a harmful/hurtful solution is "how do I make myself not have any sexual urges anymore?" "blaming" is also he is "making me feel repulsive"). These are all harmful ways of coping with problems, and there are more positive and helpful ways to problem-solve.
I'm speaking from experience on this; I had a rough time with my significant other for a few years because I was unable to really hear and listen to his feelings, because everything he said (some of which was difficult to hear) was turned around and I made it about me. If he said he was sad or tired or had different expectations, I had a pity party...which turned into an awful cycle of him shutting down, not communicating, then my pity party became bigger. We both resented each other, sex was not happening, etc. And, we were newlyweds.
So, if this does not sound like your situation...you can stop reading this now. If it does sound familiar, then let's talk more!
I don't believe you will ever reach a resolution until you change directions in your thinking and communication into a more positive and solution-oriented way, as I assume you are also communicating with your husband in this type of guilt-inducing way (just like I did a long time ago).
We can all acknowledge that there are extreme circumstances that could be going on, but in all likelihood, it is something NON-extreme, middle-of-the-road problem that is solvable. It is highly unlikely that your husband of one-month does not like you anymore. It is much more likely that your new husband is feeling scared, hurt, shy, fearful, sad...some emotions that he can not share with you, because he does not want to hurt your feelings, does not feel like he can trust you with the emotional-weight of it (without turning it into a pity party), or may not be good at communicating in general. Is this true, or am I way off base on this? Honestly, you sound so sad; he may really have a hard time sharing his sadness with you right now, and may just be backing away.
I wonder if you both had different expectations of what marriage and newlyweds were "supposed" to be like; you are over the honeymoon phase, into reality...and now what. Are you both feeling stuck? Can you talk about it, and take the topic of sex out of the equation for now? Are there other things going on in your marriage that is not working-out so well? If so, talk about those things first, and create more trust and intimacy through communication and connecting with each other. The sex will come back after that. If something truly awful is going on (let's just say the extremes: he's having an affair. he doesn't like you anymore. he feels like he made a mistake), then you need to talk about these things, anyways. Again, it is highly unlikely that these extremes are happening!! And, while we're at it: why are you feeling so insecure in the relationship? A month of little-or-no-sex and you're ready to give up your sexuality as a human being? You need to be honest with yourself and with him about your fears and expectations as well.
How was your communication as a couple before you were married? Do you have a good foundation to fall back on, as far as problem-solving tough issues? As your partner, I hope he feels he can trust and confide in you; but you also need to give him the space and environment to do that in, without blaming, judging, labeling, putting yourself down, etc.
Lastly, if he is having trouble communicating with you, is he open to couples counseling? There is nothing wrong with seeking counseling, even as newlyweds...there are so many unrealistic expectations on newlyweds (and so much time and attention and money focused on a one-day wedding instead of a lifetime of marriage), that it makes sense to have a third person walk-through some of the new issues with you, until you two have really established a good foundation for communication.
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Hi DiW,
I'm sorry you are going through this, and Diane gave you some great advice.
I have another perspective to add: Don't Believe Everything You Think. In a few short paragraphs, you have communicated in a way that is called in the psychology world, "Twisted Patterns of Thinking", and I think you are going to continue being hurt and sad if you don't change direction, first! (for example: "jumping to conclusions" would be "he has no desire for me"; "labeling" would be your feeling "repulsive"; a harmful/hurtful solution is "how do I make myself not have any sexual urges anymore?" "blaming" is also he is "making me feel repulsive"). These are all harmful ways of coping with problems, and there are more positive and helpful ways to problem-solve.
I'm speaking from experience on this; I had a rough time with my significant other for a few years because I was unable to really hear and listen to his feelings, because everything he said (some of which was difficult to hear) was turned around and I made it about me. If he said he was sad or tired or had different expectations, I had a pity party...which turned into an awful cycle of him shutting down, not communicating, then my pity party became bigger. We both resented each other, sex was not happening, etc. And, we were newlyweds.
So, if this does not sound like your situation...you can stop reading this now. If it does sound familiar, then let's talk more!
I don't believe you will ever reach a resolution until you change directions in your thinking and communication into a more positive and solution-oriented way, as I assume you are also communicating with your husband in this type of guilt-inducing way (just like I did a long time ago).
We can all acknowledge that there are extreme circumstances that could be going on, but in all likelihood, it is something NON-extreme, middle-of-the-road problem that is solvable. It is highly unlikely that your husband of one-month does not like you anymore. It is much more likely that your new husband is feeling scared, hurt, shy, fearful, sad...some emotions that he can not share with you, because he does not want to hurt your feelings, does not feel like he can trust you with the emotional-weight of it (without turning it into a pity party), or may not be good at communicating in general. Is this true, or am I way off base on this? Honestly, you sound so sad; he may really have a hard time sharing his sadness with you right now, and may just be backing away.
I wonder if you both had different expectations of what marriage and newlyweds were "supposed" to be like; you are over the honeymoon phase, into reality...and now what. Are you both feeling stuck? Can you talk about it, and take the topic of sex out of the equation for now? Are there other things going on in your marriage that is not working-out so well? If so, talk about those things first, and create more trust and intimacy through communication and connecting with each other. The sex will come back after that. If something truly awful is going on (let's just say the extremes: he's having an affair. he doesn't like you anymore. he feels like he made a mistake), then you need to talk about these things, anyways. Again, it is highly unlikely that these extremes are happening!! And, while we're at it: why are you feeling so insecure in the relationship? A month of little-or-no-sex and you're ready to give up your sexuality as a human being? You need to be honest with yourself and with him about your fears and expectations as well.
How was your communication as a couple before you were married? Do you have a good foundation to fall back on, as far as problem-solving tough issues? As your partner, I hope he feels he can trust and confide in you; but you also need to give him the space and environment to do that in, without blaming, judging, labeling, putting yourself down, etc.
Lastly, if he is having trouble communicating with you, is he open to couples counseling? There is nothing wrong with seeking counseling, even as newlyweds...there are so many unrealistic expectations on newlyweds (and so much time and attention and money focused on a one-day wedding instead of a lifetime of marriage), that it makes sense to have a third person walk-through some of the new issues with you, until you two have really established a good foundation for communication.
March 24, 2009 - 12:48pmThis Comment
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