This is so funny that you brought this up. I felt the exact same way you did, and I was also 31 (just a few years ago). My mom had me when she was 30; my sister when she was 32 (which was "ancient" back in "those days"!). So, I figured I would be "late" with the whole wanting-a-baby-thing, too.
Well, I'm here to say, that as a mother of a 21-month old toddler, I never felt the "urge" or heard the "tick tock" to have a child. I knew that I cognitively wanted children in my future life, but never emotionally wanted to be a mother. I had an awesome career at the time, moving up the "ladder", my husband was the one with the biological clock ticking (he is 11 years older than I am).
I just started thinking about having a baby in a logical way, and had told my husband when we got married my ideal criteria: I wanted to be married for 2 years, wanted a house, wanted to be in my new position for 2 years, wanted to have saved x amount of money, etc. Then, the dreaded "talk" came from my husband: "Dear, all of your criteria has been met!" (well, except for the "saving money part"!). My response: crap!
My next move (read: purposeful delay), and the manner in which I learn best, is through reading books, so I thought that I needed to be sure this decision is "correct". I decided to (don't laugh!) buy five books, all related to: "when to know if you're ready to be a mom".
They were all awful! No one is ever really "ready" to be a mom, especially on the financial side, even if we had saved some money! I even asked my hubby to go to counseling with me (he did, for 8 sessions!), so that I could figure this out and know if I'm ready. I realized through counseling that the decision to have a baby (or not) is not "right" or "wrong"; I am not going to flunk a test if I choose the incorrect answer. I had to just think about what I wanted for my future, and I already knew the answer (I think?!). The counselor validated that I'm "OK" if I don't "feel" the "need" to have a baby.
I guess, in the end, I just realized that I was never going to have that emotional tug to want to have a baby, I never thought a baby would "complete" me or my life or anything. It was still all very matter-of-fact, machine-like: "I want a child in the future, and the only way to have a child in the future is to have a baby sometime in the NEAR future!"
So, long story short (ha), I made the only decision that I could at the time: I decided to NOT make a decision and just "fool myself" into thinking that by not taking my birth control pills that it may/may not happen. Well, happen "it" did only two months after my (and my husband's) non-decision.
So now, with a toddler running around, my entire life has changed and I can not imagine a life without my son in it. He is my entire world, and I love that! (I also love my independence still, don't get me wrong!) I also love my husband as a father; he is truly amazing.
I'm so glad you asked this question, as my husband and I are (again) starting the conversation of NOT making a decision for child number two. I won't be ready for a few more years (still trying to juggle one toddler is enough for me right now!), and I also know it will take me a few years to decide to not-decide and give "it" a try.
I still do not have any type of "biological clock" ticking for baby #2, even after knowing the amazing results and emotional richness of having a baby. I guess some women never do "find" their biological clock? Wonder if it has anything to do with women who pursue degrees and/or careers first?
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This is so funny that you brought this up. I felt the exact same way you did, and I was also 31 (just a few years ago). My mom had me when she was 30; my sister when she was 32 (which was "ancient" back in "those days"!). So, I figured I would be "late" with the whole wanting-a-baby-thing, too.
Well, I'm here to say, that as a mother of a 21-month old toddler, I never felt the "urge" or heard the "tick tock" to have a child. I knew that I cognitively wanted children in my future life, but never emotionally wanted to be a mother. I had an awesome career at the time, moving up the "ladder", my husband was the one with the biological clock ticking (he is 11 years older than I am).
I just started thinking about having a baby in a logical way, and had told my husband when we got married my ideal criteria: I wanted to be married for 2 years, wanted a house, wanted to be in my new position for 2 years, wanted to have saved x amount of money, etc. Then, the dreaded "talk" came from my husband: "Dear, all of your criteria has been met!" (well, except for the "saving money part"!). My response: crap!
My next move (read: purposeful delay), and the manner in which I learn best, is through reading books, so I thought that I needed to be sure this decision is "correct". I decided to (don't laugh!) buy five books, all related to: "when to know if you're ready to be a mom".
They were all awful! No one is ever really "ready" to be a mom, especially on the financial side, even if we had saved some money! I even asked my hubby to go to counseling with me (he did, for 8 sessions!), so that I could figure this out and know if I'm ready. I realized through counseling that the decision to have a baby (or not) is not "right" or "wrong"; I am not going to flunk a test if I choose the incorrect answer. I had to just think about what I wanted for my future, and I already knew the answer (I think?!). The counselor validated that I'm "OK" if I don't "feel" the "need" to have a baby.
I guess, in the end, I just realized that I was never going to have that emotional tug to want to have a baby, I never thought a baby would "complete" me or my life or anything. It was still all very matter-of-fact, machine-like: "I want a child in the future, and the only way to have a child in the future is to have a baby sometime in the NEAR future!"
So, long story short (ha), I made the only decision that I could at the time: I decided to NOT make a decision and just "fool myself" into thinking that by not taking my birth control pills that it may/may not happen. Well, happen "it" did only two months after my (and my husband's) non-decision.
So now, with a toddler running around, my entire life has changed and I can not imagine a life without my son in it. He is my entire world, and I love that! (I also love my independence still, don't get me wrong!) I also love my husband as a father; he is truly amazing.
I'm so glad you asked this question, as my husband and I are (again) starting the conversation of NOT making a decision for child number two. I won't be ready for a few more years (still trying to juggle one toddler is enough for me right now!), and I also know it will take me a few years to decide to not-decide and give "it" a try.
I still do not have any type of "biological clock" ticking for baby #2, even after knowing the amazing results and emotional richness of having a baby. I guess some women never do "find" their biological clock? Wonder if it has anything to do with women who pursue degrees and/or careers first?
August 17, 2008 - 8:38pmThis Comment
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